Monthly Archives: April 2012

Fevered Dream of a Madman

Watching the White House Correspondent’s Dinner was so much fun this year. President Obama is by far the most attractive, humorous and likable president the American people have ever had. Jimmy Kimmel was surprisingly funny, and the first lady seemed to really enjoy the jokes, and looked great (as always). Unfortunately the event was marred by the attendance of a Kardashian and Linsay Lohan. AGAIN: Why are these people famous anymore?! Who are the people who are watching them? Ugh! Obama, or B-Dog as he’s to known to his posse, was so funny and edgy for a president.

Possible reasons Jesus has failed to “come again”, thus far:

  • Still waiting for American fear and hatred of people from the middle east to subside.
  • Embarrassed by born-again Christians.
  • Came recently and isn’t horny enough to come again right away.
  • Is not real.
  • Holding out for flying cars or moon base.

Angry conservatives are far too common. If there’s one thing I can do without, it’s obese, ignorant red-necks. They’re always on my TV yelling about political and social issues they have never understood and didn’t care about until a “socialist” (nigger) was elected president while they were sitting in their trailers watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

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Construction Criticism

Looking at building a closet in my unfinished basement as an introduction to finishing the rest of the basement. It’s likely to become the worst idea I’ve ever had, but I will attempt it anyhow. Handiness is not a skill I possess, but I’m sure that once I get going I will get the hang of it. Right now I’m in the planning and dreading stage of construction. Details of my failures to come.

I’m so tired of hearing things about people like Snooki and Lindsay Lohan. Why should these people matter? Mindless, vapid fame-whores should be required by law to promote educational institutions and organizations to counter their IQ lowering effects on the population. Similarly, churches and tabloid newspapers would be subject to steep fines under these new laws. The quality of Hollywood celebrities these days is so low.

Perspectives on 9/11:

  • Terrorist Plot by turban-wearing, Koran worshipping psychopaths
  • Inside Job  perpetrated by mastermind George W. Bush and his bottom bitch Condi.
  • Orchestrated by later anointed ‘9/11 widows’ as part of a ‘getting on the TODAY show’ plot.
  • Ruined weeks of television
  • Worst thing to happen to NYC since Madonna

If you found this offensive, please remember that I am completely out of fucks and thus will not give one.

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Strategies for Success

When your goals meet up with your dreams and double date with motivation and determination it usually ends in an orgy. -Roy Minor

I don’t understand beer. It tastes quite awful and doesn’t get you very drunk. The only time I drink a beer is if I think there’s a chance someone’s slipped a Roofie in it. I don’t go to bars anymore, I find it helps to have a few drunk girls over, once a week or so, to get the experience. They ignore me, cry and fight with each other and then throw up. To close the night I usually try to pick fights with other guys who may have larger genitals. Guys tend to be pretty unpredictable when they’re drunk, they might be total idiots who jump off your balcony or the guy who becomes a slurring lush. They might be violent, crazy assholes– it’s always hard to tell. With women, you can usually tell about two drinks in what kinda girl she is, and there are only three kinds of drunk girl. Slutty, scary and sad. Remember to always keep your eye out at the club, gentleman, as these different girls tend to group together and if the one you have your eye on isn’t acting sad or slutty, prepare for some emotional scarring and brutal physical harm.

News from today:

  • Kim Il Sung kidnaps Lady Gaga after Seoul concert- Entertainment
  • Mel Gibson still thought of as a waste of human life by most people- Poll
  • French fries not necessarily very french – Investigation
  • Councilman moves for higher taxes, no leads on body location yet- Local Politics/ Police Beat
  • Pussy Cleavage Too “Fashion Forward”?- Style
  • North Korean Dictator captures beloved American transvestite- World Politics
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Scumbag Synapses

Being in a relationship is sort of like being a prisoner and a guard all the time. Constantly performing bed checks and cavity searches while at the same time being scrutinized by your “soul-mate”/ e-mail spy. A constant power struggle over control of the choices of video entertainment and dining experiences. A never ending cycle of disagreements over important things such as colours, the year an event occurred, or whether something was in fact funny.

And love is very much like God. In that it doesn’t really exist. Science has shown that it really can be all boiled down to certain parts of you brain releasing certain chemicals as a response to interaction with another human being. This news, although usually dismissed by the happily coupled, is very empowering to the recently dumped. There is raw empirical data proving that if someone rips your heart out of your chest and makes you feel like you can never love again or trust again that you will always be able to find another human who can make your brain release those chemicals. 🙂

With so many things these days being so technologically advanced I’m starting to wonder why these inventions never took place:

  • Digital butter churn
  • Smartphone/ Ear-hair trimmer
  • Lethal penny projectile weapon
  • Jam in ketchup packets
  • Bras with pockets
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When Nothing Goes Wrong

The Fates have once again interceded and have kept me free of momentary discomfort– the worst of first world problems, and something I detest. There are times when even though you have money you don’t really have any money. This was one of those times, but at just the right moment-  serendipity- money appeared. It was like winning the lottery without buying a ticket.

Continuing with new experiences, while on an excursion today I was introduced to a new band and shown their music video. It was novel and entertaining, something I don’t see much lately. Three Sheet is the groups name. Very Original. I’ll have to check out more of their stuff though before I begin to give some sort of ringing endorsement, lest I listen to their lyrics closely and find that they deny evolution or are pro-life.

I also had a cute person in a nice car exchange glances with me on my way home on the highway. This of course gave me a huge head for the next four or five hours and I was constantly eyeing myself up in the mirrors. It may not all be just in my head though! I’ve been exercising more often as part of my ‘new things’ kick. Maybe I’ll stick with it and my blog can document my sexy new life. And then I can be a STAR. Maybe not. So far the first thing – plants- has worked out awesome! It’s so boring to everyone but for reason I love houseplants. I love watering them and moving them to bigger pots when they get to big and realizing that they’ve grown a lot. Exciting? No. Rewarding? Yes.

Will my houseplants take over and eat my dogs? Will I again encounter the sexy stranger in the Mazda? Will Three Sheet turn out to be a tea-party propaganda machine? All this and more will be completely ignored in my next post.

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Try Something New

Lately I’ve been trying new things and this is the latest one. A blog. I’m not out to impress anyone so this is really more of a personal exercise more than anything. If you like it though please comment and link 🙂

A little about me to begin: I’m short, in my twenties and I look pretty young for my age, I guess. I’m in a great relationship (really!) for over six years now, and I have a perfect son, who can do no wrong and who will turn eight this summer. I also have a perfect daughter who can do no wrong and she is ten. I live in a really picturesque small town in rural east coast Canada with my partner, our dogs, our cat, and my plants.  We live in a pretty nice house on a pretty nice street and we have a pretty nice car, too.  I like to spend my time caring for my kids when they’re here and I usually end up watching a lot of videos online and playing video games when they’re not. I’m trying to get out of watching so much television and start doing things, you know, while I watch television.

Things on my mind right now to be explored further tomorrow and in the coming days:

  • Mitt Romney … Millionaire Mormon President?
  • Municipal Elections
  • The Walking Dead on PS3 (currently downloading)
  • Childless vs Parents and Working Moms vs Stay @ Home Moms and White Conservative Catholics vs White Conservative Baptists

All this and more to be discussed in the first real post to my blog tomorrow. I’m going to try to update every day and if after a while I find that I really don’t have that much to say I’ll cut back on the seventh day. Like Jesus, or whatever. Okay, here it goes.

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