Monthly Archives: May 2012

Amish Quilting Orgies

Amish quilting orgies are becoming a serious problem for today’s Amish communities. “It all started when Mary-Beth heard a Robert Palmer song.” Reports Elda Sinclair of Amishtown, Ontario. “The Devil’s rock and roll got into her soul… the orgies and dildos came next.” Amish communities across North America are being warned of the pandemic of Amish Girls Gone Wild that is sweeping into quiet villages and leaving them devastated and sticky.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

5 Other Topics I Could Have (and probably should have) Discussed Above:

  1. Darth Vader Robs banks in Ohio – Surprisingly this one is real, but would otherwise fit in on here…
  2. Amish Fashion- I could have put a more wholesome spin on this, avoided Amish Group Sex, and just focused on their hilarious attire.
  3. Robert Palmer- Who is he? What’s he all about? Has he cured his addiction to love in the afterlife?
  4. Michelle Obama’s appearance on the Daily Show – Best. First. Lady. Ever. Hands down. No contest.
  5. Ancient Aliens – I don’t have time now, but I hold definitive proof that extraterrestrials constructed the Pyramids, Stonehenge and the Empire State Building. I also have reason to believe (and so should you) that these same space-men were directly responsible for 9/11 AND the star-studded telethon that followed the attack… Don’t worry “inside-job-ers”, I’m pretty sure the Bushes are avatars for the aliens.

Some things in life just sync up, for instance I was trying to think of a way to work group sex into a blog post about Amish people and – KABOOM- there we go. I know this is a pretty poor effort for tonight’s post, but what can ya do?

*QUESTION* What exactly is wrong with me?

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Decisions, decisions…

When deciding which educational path to choose, one must remember several things during one’s decision making process. First off, the appearance of the administrative staff at the institution should seriously be taken into consideration. Registrar’s offices with hot girls indicate a fun-loving and playful atmosphere, while old, dumpy, “mom”-types are a red flag for a more drone-ish, and strict approach to educating. Second when choosing the school to which you will attend it is important to evaluate the various distances between points on the campus: Will your classes be solely in one building or spread out scavenger hunt style across the campus, taking you to the furthest four corners each and every day? Is the library close to where your classes are? Will you have time to shit between classes? These questions cannot be left to the last minute. Especially the last one. — And how far from the gym are your classes/dorm/library– this could be most important– not because I work out, but it really enriches my day to see well toned bodies and fit gym goers … and in the attire they tend to sport its always pleasing– so a centrally located campus gym is ideal for hotness throughout the day.

When choosing which program/faculty/discipline the most important question to ask yourself is which will lead to a career that lets you to spend wads of company cash and can provide you with travel and meal allowances, per diems, and such. Then go with that one. You can also try a Bachelor of Arts and major in English and History, though– someone has to work at Indigo and Chapters.

When choosing living arrangements for post secondary education insist on a single room. No one wants to see their roomie masturbating, and if you live in a dorm together, chances are one of you will be caught. Take out the risk of your personal moments being interrupted by several drunk freshmen with a stolen traffic cone– get a single room… and some tissues.

After declining an opportunity to enroll in a telephone operator program, Opal decided to take the elevator operator’s course and passed with flying colors becoming the first female elevator operator. Two and a half weeks later she was also the last elevator operator to be laid-off due to technological revolution within the industry. This fictitious account of events came from nowhere and leads to no solid point. But I’m sure something like this had to have happened at some point…

QUESTION FOR THE NONEXISTENT AUDIENCE: Do you work in the field you originally intended to work in when you started your post high school education? What did you take in school and what do you do for work now? (If you don’t have post high school education, how did you make out? Are you doing pretty well job-wise?)

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

The Meaning of… I gave up, okay?!

On to better newer things. I have decided that today will be the first day that I begin to go through nicotine withdrawal until I am completely rid of my smoking habit. After a very long… Very, very long-my partner would say… time I have decided to quit smoking for good and give up the delicious little white cylinders I adore so much. But not anymore. The love is gone, my smokey mistress has become to expensive to keep and too hazardous to my own health as well as those around me. I, like most people, hate having to be even slightly uncomfortable for even a moment. And NOT smoking is not in my comfort zone. It’s only been about an hour and I miss them knowing I’ll really start wanting them again soon. I figured that since I have been seriously neglecting my blog duties I can replace my smoking time with blogging time and I can use it to keep myself accountable– plus dick jokes. I’m sure I can think of things to write to keep my mind off of smoking.

TOP FIVE JOYS OF SMOKING:

  1. The way the smoke comes out of you. All billow-y and unique each time and when the sun catches it just right it appears as though its a mist surrounding your mighty burning cigarette.
  2. Opening a new pack of smokes. Quickly (or sensuously and slowly) unwrapping the little read band of plastic and popping them out of their hiding place…. Hmm.
  3. Lighting them. Sparking up a match or a Bic and commanding the fire to ignite your cigarette and then you take the–
  4. First Drag– and then the fire is in you before you release the aforementioned billow-y cloud of satisfying smoke… never the same twice.
  5.  Last, long drag from a butt. Just before the end of the overwhelmingly joyful experience that is smoking a cigarette, the last pull from a dying flame bringing in the last of the sweet burnt mint and tobacco tasting smoke into your lungs before its expelled in the ever satisfying billow-y-ness.

…But I’m serious, guys, I’m officially a non-smoker. –Tobacco only I mean– Weed, hash, meth, and crack are still totally on the menu. 

Stay in school, don’t use drugs. Unless you can handle your drugs well enough to stay in school, then, like, why not do ’em, I guess…

Tagged , , , , , ,

The Meaning of Life – PART VI – MID-LIFE CRISES

Before the unrivaled joys of being an unemployable, senile and incontinent senior citizen, one must pass through the wholly depressing stage of life known as ‘mid-life’. No longer attractive to attractive members of its own species, this is typically when the mid-life human squanders its earnings on lavish trinkets to entice attractive, younger mates.

North Korea is incredibly interesting to me, and much like the sixth part of life- and this series of posts- is wholly depressing. Watching the Mass Games, even on youtube, is an incredibly complex, deep, meaningful human expression through dance and music and perfectly executed timing and choreography and sooooo many people are involved at every single step of the way– its like the opening to the Olympics on hyper-drive. Mind boggling, really. That being said, its also really depressing knowing the state of their nation and everything that those poor, stupid, brain-washed people have to endure. It’s almost like a cult nation at this point, where dissent from within (from any outside perspective anyway) is undetectable. I highly recommend reading George Orwell’s 1984, and then learning as much as you can about North Korea.

North Korea is like the home-schooled kid on the global stage of nations. You can try to have an intelligent conversation with them, but then they want to bring up their crazy beliefs that only they believe and so it becomes impossible to take them seriously and not just feel sort of bad for them. Because it not their fault! North Koreans love their leader because they’re programmed to from the earliest age, and those who still don’t love their leader are soon weeded out and taken to work camps. Being a Canadian and knowing that North Korea has a rather beautiful climate, I wonder if I could get into one of the nicer more progressive work camps and just make a little life for myself. Dreams.

Best Things About Dictatoring:

  • Ability to enforce your will on others, such as unified acceptance of “dictatoring” as a verb.
  • Yes-men – lots of them. I hear lots of people on movies and TV shows who say they don’t want ‘yes-men’. I do, give them to me. How nice would it be to have three or four guys around everytime you decide something to be like: “Nice one, boss.”
  • Concubines
  • Access to all substances and pleasures forbidden in your nation.
  • Diplomatic Immunity.
  • Hardest working slaves.

* I haven’t seen (or heard much yet about) the new S B Cohen movie The Dictator so although it seems I’m trying to be somehow current or something, I’m not intentionally– I think it’s more focused on the kind of guy who runs one of those “Mohammed’s Mind-Slaves” places, anyway.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

The Meaning of Life – PART V – MARITAL WOES AND CHILD MAKING

Far too many people are procreating and all the wrong ones are repeat offenders. At MOST people should be having three kids, four if you have lots of money and you hate peace and quiet. It seems that the only people these days that have more children than that are Mormons or worse. Marriage is another issue and since Gay Marriage is such a hot topic I’ll avoid it for now and focus on something even more detrimental to society: Interracial Marriage. Who can worry about gays and lesbians marrying when out in the public sphere inter-racial marriages re being flaunted and celebrated in clear defiance of the word of the lord and every Texan’s grandparent. Who cares if two women want to marry each other– as long as they’re both same color, that’s what matters most.

The creation of children is a matter of heated debate, especially in the U.S. with the Christian right pressuring education boards across the nation to “teach the controversy” when it comes to conception and birth. “Intelligent Stork Theory” is being offered as a Christian alternative to what they call the “Godless Sex Theory”. Republican candidate Mitt Romney, at a recent speaking engagement for his campaign, stated that he too questioned why his nation’s children were “under sex attack” and that “information deviating from Intelligent Stork Theory should not be acceptable for Christian ears”. Later he vowed that when elected he plans to create a new Federal task force to oversee all states’ implementation of new Christian focused curriculum with an emphasis on the values of the Confederate South and the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola. He later said that he will never increase the size of the national government and will keep “big government out of the lives of Americans”. He ended by saying he was quite thirsty and couldn’t wait to get back into his Ford and drink a Coke.

Obviously I’ve avoided giving any sort of meaning to any of these parts of life but the meaning of this part of life is pretty clear: Not dying alone and having people younger than you to wipe your ass and care for you while you die with your equally useless mate.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

The Meaning of Life – PART IV – ADULT PLEASURES

This phase of life is between the age of 18 and when you stop being “with it”. This is typically the most sexually active time in a person’s life (except with the rare “Granny Nympho”). This also means it is the time in most people’s lives when they will contract an Sexually transmitted Infection. STI’s (as they’re more commonly known) are usually found in the unwashed genitals of your local town whore- if you don’t know who it is, it may be you!- or on toilet seats in truck stop washrooms. At this point I would like to point out the sharp pang of irony I feel each time I enter a filthy, grimy and overwhelmingly smelly bathroom labelled “WASHroom”. Back to slut-diseases, though: You should always be on the lookout for crabs, the clap, and the dose. I’m unsure of what actual infections these street terms refer to, but be on the lookout just the same.

KNOWN CARRIERS OF SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS:

  • Nicki Minaj
  • 50 Cent
  • Madonna and her backup dancers
  • Ann Coulter (Could just be anorexia, but my money’s on AIDS) 
  • Stephen Hawking
  • Tim Tebow
  • Every cast member from Jersey Shore

*Based on appearance and hearsay only*

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

———-Do senior citizens still have oral sex? And can we make them stop it and stop it now?

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

The Meaning Of Life – PART III – ACADEMIC & SOCIAL FAILURES

This part of life spans from the age of about four-and-a-half to eight-teen or so. These years are mostly enjoyable for the first few years (ages four to twelve or so) before we become aware of ourselves socially and care about our performances academically. The latter few years are typically spent trying to commit or deter sex acts depending on your gender. So far this applies in the third world for the most part, too.

First World Problems:

  • Falling asleep in front of a TV with the sound up slightly too loud when the remote is out of reach.
  • Caring for your home and property– that you own and don’t have some King coming in and taking all your shit, ever.

The end of this age is usually marked with becoming eligible to vote. Here in Canada you must be eight-teen years old to vote for someone who you’ve never met and probably does not represent you or your community in any particular or beneficial way. Being over the age of 18 also allows Canadians to drink alcohol in most provinces, and enter adult establishments. Compare going to a Montreal strip club with seeing the woman who helps you vote and you begin to understand why our voter turn out is so depressingly low. Less than half of eligible voters voting in elections should be unacceptable to everyone. This really makes no sense to me. When I go to vote I never have to wait. Even for ore than a minute really. Every time. Enough people should be voting that it takes 15 or 20 minutes of your day! It’s messed up, I know, but this is one instance where I would gladly wait much longer if I thought everyone who could, would participate in our little front of a democracy we do have… If voter turnout were 90% or higher, I’m sure it would keep politicians on their toes at least.

HOWEVER- Voting really isn’t relevant until we get to our next post on The Meaning of Life – Part IV – Adult Pleasures

General Tips on Being Canadian:

(not to be used by Russian spies, Chinese spies are cool though, we figure you’re already in charge and we accept)

  • Canada Day- Canadian Flag tattoos are necessary to show patriotism- don’t be a traitor!
  • Drive slow at night for fear of moose or deer encounters with your vehicle.
  • Poutine, poutine, poutine.
  • Smoking is not healthy. Unless its menthols- that shits better for you than garlic or Tylenol.
  • Toques during winter months are expected attire.
  • Sobeys (Or Safeway you Westerners) is where all food is purchased. Until my cousin was about 13 she thought they grew it all there.
  • Although our election process is unbelievably boring we do get U.S. Network TV and American politics are far more enjoyable to watch -like their sit-coms- for shock value(Herman Cain) and stunt-casting (Sarah Palin).

Mitt Romney is a rich, white, Mormon, millionaire, who used to be a bully in school, and spent his early adult hood closing down and merging American companies effectively laying off thousands of American workers for corporate profit. He is competing for the title of president of the United States of America against the most charismatic man to be introduced to the american public since… um, ever. He’s globally famous, an intellectual who was raised by a single mother. A family man with NO SCANDALS- take that, Anthony Weiner- And he’s funny. He might be the first funny president. Certainly for my short time on this Earth, he is. If the insane religious right get behind Romney and he somehow takes over the White house with his magic underpants and bigotry I will lose all faith in the American population. After the bailouts and everything else are they really going to elect a super-Millionaire for president?

Tagged , , , , , ,

The Meaning Of Life – PART II – EARLY DISAPPOINTMENTS

Should one be lucky enough to make it past childbirth and the weeks following the traumatic eviction from the womb, one finds one’s self in a rather unpleasant situation. Although still coddled and tended to the not so newborn begins to realize that it cannot get whatever it wants each time it squawks. The child also learns that its interests have branched out from the usual boob, poop, sleep routine. Playthings rarely behave as you think they should and the most simple manual tasks require huge amounts of concentration and still rarely go as planned. For boys this period of time is also marked as an introduction to morning wood. Although children are unaware of how socially unacceptable their tiny erections are, they have them. I can’t remember this happening to me as a young boy, but its true. Why is this? It makes no sense. And they happen when you have to pee sometimes, too, which makes even less sense, since urinating with an erection is never easy and usually requires clean-up. Gross, yes, ladies- but we’ve ll done it- and the ones who say they haven’t, do it way more often than is even normal. But I digress.

Early disappointments, like all parts of life, are relative… Again, in third world countries early disappointments are typically much more severe and life altering: Such as the disappointment of not ever having food, water or medical care, and the disppointment of finding out there are other humans in the world that live like we do (with our internet, TV’s, and oh yeah – food). Other disappointments that face third world toddlers include being sold as if you were chattel, and having your genitals mutilated for various religious reasons. Now, I know that I’ve brought this up before, and that some of you conservative types might think that genital mutilation isn’t funny- and you’re right- but it is kind of funny to think that some white western people equate piercing babies’ ears at the mall (with sterile equipment) with child abuse … This, on the same planet where eight and nine year old girls have their vagina and clitoris completely destroyed by unsanitary kitchen-style blades usually in a field (This is not likely to be someone who could tell you anything about female anatomy or the human body at all, really). That being said, earrings on babies is weird and creepy: STOP IT. Oh, and it’s still not really funny-“haha”. More like funny/most-disturbing-thing-ever.

Three things I should  have discussed today over female circumcision:

  1. How toddlers’ heads are far too big for their bodies– very odd looking
  2. Potty Training – Do’s and Don’ts of Doo-doos
  3. Early childhood obesity. I once saw an incredibly obese toddler on Jerry Springer. His parents were white but his whole body and face were so fat that it made his eyes look all asian-y… Very odd to see, plus he was an eighty-eight pound toddler so it was not the first thing you notice or anything.

Find out more about how the Prophet Mohammed created Islam, a religion of peace and sawing off clits, at your local library. Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s Infidel — check it out!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Meaning Of Life – PART I – BIRTH

If you’re lucky enough to be born in the first world, birth is pretty damn easy. Doctor pulls you out of Mom, slaps your ass and cleans you up right nice. Then they let Mom hold you for a couple of seconds before they wrap you up in warm blankets and put you in a fancy glass bed. I never understood the glass bed. It’s very ‘Snow White’/ creepy-dead-baby-coffin. Of course for the first few weeks or months after birth all humans look weird as shit. Eyes too big, wrinkly, too-pink skin, and completely unreasonable. Babies are by far the worst people to make plans with. We only put up with it because we love them and police will totally come looking for them if you fuck up and they die. We must love them, who else can you imagine living with for years cleaning up their shit, literally and figuratively, feeding them, and keeping them from sticking forks in the outlets.

Breastfeeding can be a pretty important part of this phase of life. Sadly infants are unable to appreciate the joys of sucking on a tit, so for them it’s mainly a ‘food-to-survive’ kind of thing. So many great perks to being an infant and still all they do is cry. Wait till they hit the schoolyard, they’ll think the playpen was a piece of cake.

At this age you are given a birthday “party” every year. This stops at a certain point, and your first birthday is almost always a total waste of every attendees time. Don’t worry, there are years in there though (ages 4 – 21 or so) where you’ll get to have some pretty good ones…

If you’re unlucky enough to be born in the third world, life is much shorter- and easier, in fact. “Third World” usually means brown places, I think– and not meaning the people, but its seems like everything they have is brown: the house is made of brown dirt, on a brown dirt floor, with brown, empty bowls and plates in their brown, empty hut– also these people are typically darkies. These “Darkies” usually don’t make it to subsequent parts of life, whether it be from AIDS-mosquitoes, sacrifice for blood-thirsty deities, or even botched ritual genital mutilations.

*Racism against black people should never be tolerated while there are still Jews and Towel-Heads roaming about all willy-nilly* YELLOW POWER *

—update— Originally I forgot to tag this post, as I usually do when I use the ‘new post’ half-screen thing… “list of ethnic slurs” was SUGGESTED as a tag for this post 🙂 so its on there now.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Meaning of Life

PART I – BIRTH

PART II – EARLY DISAPPOINTMENTS

PART III – ACADEMIC & SOCIAL FAILURES

PART IV – ADULT PLEASURES

PART V – MARITAL WOES & CHILD MAKING

PART VI – MID-LIFE CRISES

PART VII – RETIREMENT/ WAITING TO DIE

PART VIII – DEATH

Over the next eight days (or more if I’m forgetful or lazy) I’ll be examining the meaning of life. Why are we here? What is each part of life like, what should it be like and its meaning in the bigger picture will be discussed. Questions like these rarely have a satisfying answer unless you’ve written it yourself, so voila! Here we go. This will Have to be considered an intro, I suppose, to the meaning of life.So what is it all about? How did we get here? Where are we going? There are many things to be considered as people are not the only things that are alive and so the meaning of life must ultimately be different for each life form. 

Tune in again for absolutely no answers to any of the biggest questions about life, the universe and everything.