If you’re lucky enough to be born in the first world, birth is pretty damn easy. Doctor pulls you out of Mom, slaps your ass and cleans you up right nice. Then they let Mom hold you for a couple of seconds before they wrap you up in warm blankets and put you in a fancy glass bed. I never understood the glass bed. It’s very ‘Snow White’/ creepy-dead-baby-coffin. Of course for the first few weeks or months after birth all humans look weird as shit. Eyes too big, wrinkly, too-pink skin, and completely unreasonable. Babies are by far the worst people to make plans with. We only put up with it because we love them and police will totally come looking for them if you fuck up and they die. We must love them, who else can you imagine living with for years cleaning up their shit, literally and figuratively, feeding them, and keeping them from sticking forks in the outlets.
Breastfeeding can be a pretty important part of this phase of life. Sadly infants are unable to appreciate the joys of sucking on a tit, so for them it’s mainly a ‘food-to-survive’ kind of thing. So many great perks to being an infant and still all they do is cry. Wait till they hit the schoolyard, they’ll think the playpen was a piece of cake.
At this age you are given a birthday “party” every year. This stops at a certain point, and your first birthday is almost always a total waste of every attendees time. Don’t worry, there are years in there though (ages 4 – 21 or so) where you’ll get to have some pretty good ones…
If you’re unlucky enough to be born in the third world, life is much shorter- and easier, in fact. “Third World” usually means brown places, I think– and not meaning the people, but its seems like everything they have is brown: the house is made of brown dirt, on a brown dirt floor, with brown, empty bowls and plates in their brown, empty hut– also these people are typically darkies. These “Darkies” usually don’t make it to subsequent parts of life, whether it be from AIDS-mosquitoes, sacrifice for blood-thirsty deities, or even botched ritual genital mutilations.
*Racism against black people should never be tolerated while there are still Jews and Towel-Heads roaming about all willy-nilly* YELLOW POWER *
—update— Originally I forgot to tag this post, as I usually do when I use the ‘new post’ half-screen thing… “list of ethnic slurs” was SUGGESTED as a tag for this post 🙂 so its on there now.