Counting Down The TOP 5 Best Euphemisms for Vagina:
5. Snatch – Mostly used when vaginal sighting is unexpected: “Whoa, I caught a look at her snatch!”
4. Pussy – All around most common and acceptable word for vagina, best suited while on the prowl: “Let’s go find some pussy!”
3. Quiff – Great for use at home, also works as an exclamation: [Stubs Toe] “Oh, Quiff!”
2. Beaver – Sounds friendly and furry, usually used in reference to old vaginas: “Dude, your mom’s got a nice beaver.”
1. Cunt – Most offensive and therefore best euphemism for the beloved orifice.
Mississippi’s last abortion clinic may be closing due to harsh new regulations placed on these healthcare providers by Republican cave-men. It’s really hard to make this funny, but here it goes… After succeeding in eliminating abortion in their state, Mississippi (a state whose teen pregnancy rate is currently 65% higher than the rest of the country) is not done yet. In an effort to ensure that their population is as stupid and poor as possible [although several surveys already rank it as the poorest, dumbest state] Mississippi government will soon begin mandatory pregnancy tests for all women over the age of twelve. Knowing right away when your teenage daughter has been raped and impregnated is the first step to convincing her that Jesus demands that she keep, deliver and raise her rape-baby. Now I know what you’re all thinking: “Who doesn’t want a rape-baby?” Of course every little girl dreams of the night she goes out to a kegger and has a roofie slipped in her drink by an overweight classmate who then rapes her, filling her with the unbridled joy that is a rape-baby. We can’t all live in Mississippi though and that’s why today’s post was brought to you by…. Clarence’s Rape-Baby Clearance Center!!!!! Come on down and pick up your very own unwanted rape-baby today! Our trained customer service representatives are there every step of the way to help you choose, modify and buy the rape-baby of your dreams! Currently offering “2-for-1” on all brown and off-white rape-babies! Female, Asian rape-babies now reduced to clear! Also check out our HUGE selection of Mormon-babies!
*Please note that all or most Mormon babies are rape-babies.
The ruling made by the Court of the Queen’s Bench from Canada’s West Coast recently has many Canadians shaking their heads with disbelief. It has been only days since it became legal to help male gay teens commit suicide in Canada and already more than fifty altruistic Albertans have assisted in gay teen suicides all over the nation. “It’s important that they have help in ending their lives… sure, some of them are gay and not yet suicidal– that’s where we come in.” Said Bishop McTouchyerballs of the Catholic Church of Canada. He and several of his well-groomed altar boys said a prayer of Christian Love and acceptance shortly after counselling and assisting with the suicide of an incurably gay teen today in our studio. The 14-year-old ginger boy was described as “can’t-keep-a-lid-on-it gay” and “Liza gay”. The failed counselling and attempted gay-exorcism conducted earlier in the studio was the last of several. “They need to understand that the faster they are with God to be judged, the better. They don’t need any more years of sinful happiness before they walk up to those majestic, hetero-sexual pearly gates.” Bishop McTouchyerballs was a proud promoter of the issue on his Christian focused website: “God Hates Fems” – A website dedicated to the elimination of flamboyant gays who wear glitter and say things like “fierce”. The website also allows the pastor to offer his services to exorcise the gayness from anyone who suspects they may have been looking a little too long in the locker room– all they need to do is send him a shirtless photograph and their phone number– and because he’s a good Christian he doesn’t even charge.
Of course, homosexual radicals say that this infringes on their rights to have unpleasant-to-think-about-sex with teenagers and most are concerned about the impact on this summer’s parades. “It’s disgusting that people like Bishop McTouchyerballs exist- those robes, those hats – yuck! If he keeps this up, our Gay Teen Sex float is going to be ferociously empty! Sad Face!” said the local pride parade planner, Lou Sass, before throwing a handful of glitter into the air in a fit of rage. The group in charge of the parade, “Asexual and Not Asexual League” or ANAL, released a statement this morning that called for any gay teens who are thinking about suicide to have it assisted by ANAL. They have many trained counselors and therapists who can help provide all your assisted suicide needs.
Meanwhile, in Nunavut, Chief Ntquite As’ian’s Inuit tribe, “Four Wheeler”, had sent three gay teens out on ice-flows earlier today. Between huffs of gas with our Igloo correspondent Chip Conroy, the chief reported that no gays were sent against their will “These were very old and very ill gay teens. Without our intervention they each could have endured days of embarrassment and possibly suffered decades of liberated, self-actualization as out gay men.” Unlike McTouchyerballs, Chief Ntquite As’ian agrees with closeted homosexuality as long as people don’t talk about it so much. “What two men do in the bathroom at a truck stop when their wives are at Bingo is not our concern. Just make sure no one’s around and meet me there when we’re done with this interview.” Watch the full unedited director’s cut of this video available now at gayigloonewsporn.com – So hot it’ll melt your house!
Come on down to The Racist Emporium! We have everything you need to blindly hate and remain ignorant of other cultures.
Confederate Flags now half price!
Stop by our “white-flour-only” Bigot’s Bakery and try our new Nigger Muffins or sample our world-famous Chink-Cakes!
Tired of Starbucks? Drop into Xenophobia our trendy new cafe with swivel chairs and a strong contempt for the Jews.
We also serve all your lumber and construction needs… Don’t let your clan meet with out the ever-popular pre-cut, ready-to-burn crucifix.
Don’t forget, we sell bigoted furniture and appliances, too! You can even find your holocaust-denying fridge magnets, and kitchen utensils depicting the prophet Muhammad here as well.
Planning a family get together? Don’t forget to buy the kids stylish swastika hoodies from our apparel department –where there’s a White Sale every day!
We are currently out of stock on all “Jesus Saves” bumper stickers.
We do not sell books.
In an effort to socialize more and to do something for my community, I joined my local Pride Committee as part of my whole “try new things” idea. It’s gone well so far. Saturday night I sold hot dogs and sausages outside the gay bar to raise money for pride week events. Drunk people are obnoxious to me when I’m sober (which is most of the time), but gay people are far more behaviorally acceptable when intoxicated. There were no fights. No loud, angry altercations after the music was off. No parking lot throw downs to determine which grown man is the most infantile and irresponsible. It was all very tame.
I showed up to do the BBQ at around 11 and nearly no one went to the bar before midnight, so for a long time the only thing we had to do was to watch an incredibly drunk, rough-looking man across the street continually fall backwards onto his ass, get up, fall again… for a while that went on, then he decided to scoot along the sidewalk to a grassy knoll where he could lay down. During this time I watched several different police cars circle the area and completely miss his waves and yells of gibberish. After he was comfortable in he fetal position the fuzz finally spotted him and not one, not two, but three squad cars arrived on the scene to take into custody a man who could easily have been seventy years old (and not a strong-looking seventy either). After that I mostly gawked at the patrons and mentally documented their exploits– consisting mostly of mental notes on how not to dress myself ever, and how not to greet a group of friends upon meeting them in public. For fear of offending the disgusting fags and ugly dykes, I’ll just say that gay bar etiquette (which is non-violent but disturbingly affectionate) may be the reason why God Hates Fags. Just Sayin’.
On the topic of fags… Our city has recently uncovered a ‘serious problem’ with homosexual prostitutes using the city parks at night to conduct their particular type of business. Why are they using parks? Shouldn’t they go somewhere gayer?–like church! I wish that the gays would start trading sex for money at and around churches, in particular, Catholic ones. It would be so worth it just to read the headline: “Gay Prostitutes Arrested at St. Mark’s Cathedral”. Why not have a care-free Catholic sex scandal once in a while without all the depressing child-rape?
Anyway, we ended up selling a Pride T-shirt and a bunch of hot dogs and sausages, so it was a pretty successful night. I also stopped in the park on the way home and met some very friendly guys who were pretty low on cash, I guess. Nice guys though.
I visited my parents for father’s day and dug through a bunch of old pictures and uploaded them on facebook, no matter how unflattering the selections from “the awkward years”- they were shared. It created a mini-middle school reunion on my timeline and gave me warm fuzzies (which is hard to do to such a jaded, bitter cunt such as myself). I really love seeing pictures of myself before I knew anything about the world. I look so much more naturally happy. I love seeing pictures with outdated hair and clothing. I like seeing my friends faces with braces. The picture above is Xmas 1990, I think. My cousin Aaron also got the same ensemble and together we were fearsome little batmen.
I have too few pictures like this due to a fire that burnt down our house in the early 90s, which sounds horrible and traumatic, but because of my age and how close (and generally awesome) my family and community were at the time, the event had no negative impact on me… It did teach me about helping when someone needs it, as many people donated everything and anything we needed to get by. We were very fortunate that no one was hurt, and that my cat Chaos, my turtle Myrtle, and Paulie the budgie were the only casualties. Oh, and all my Mom and Dads shit. Like everything. It had zero effect on me at the time, but if that happened to me now I don’t know how I’d deal with it as the adult in the situation. I’m so proud and appreciative of my parents for keeping it together and making my early years so incredibly joyful, safe, and full of love. That’s how I remember it anyway, and I guess that’s the only thing that matters. It made the tween years (as they call them now, we didn’t have it yet) so much easier.
I’ve had such a great life so far, really, and everything is still looking up. It all seems too good to be true sometimes. This is where my hereditary paranoia starts to set in and I realize that life has been far too good for far too long and the shit will surely hit the fan soon. Will I discover that my partner is secretly a cross dressing necrophiliac? Will I find out my mother is a republican? I’ll let you know when my bubble bursts, but until then I will try to keep up the classy genital jokes and racially charged statements.
Recently a friend of mine “found Jesus“. No, he wasn’t under the cupboards. And no, he wasn’t on top of the fridge. Where was he? Where Jesus always be hanging out, of course: Prison. Who ever would have known that if you wanted to find the ghost of a dead, Jewish Carpenter-God all you need to do is get caught cooking meth or snacking on faces while high on bathsalts.
What exactly is Jesus’ crime? Why is he so frequently incarcerated? And since Jesus is ALWAYS found by millions of men (and some fucked up women, too) in jail, shouldn’t we be keeping a closer eye on these facilities? Allowing this hippy-looking, zombie-Jew to infiltrate our prison systems so ubiquitously is seriously undermining the US’s authority over young black men who have been caught smoking pot… Surely these young men are every bit as dangerous as Charlie Manson, the bathsalts cannibal, or Bernie Madoff (another suspicious Jewish gentlemen).
Prisons here in Canada are experiencing a decline in patronage also. The conservative government is prepared to deal with these low enrollment numbers though, and they’ve found a way to solve the issue of the protests in Montreal as well. Harper announced that he will personally oversee the transformation of McGill University into a state-of-the-art maximum security prison— The most technologically advanced structure in our nation– to contain what he calls “Frog Protesters” and “the gays”. Official Opposition and NDP leader, Thomas Mulcair, called this move “revolutionary for the needs of Canadians” and went on to call it “the first of many freedom-removing, oppressive and patriotic changes” to our Canadian culture. All this less than one week after this Stephen Harper was seen removing his artificial human face at a peace rally to frighten demonstrators in Ottawa. “His robot eyes are trustworthy”, One Conservative Party Pundit was heard to remark as Harper used his eyes to shoot lasers at a few stray puppies. “I can’t imagine having a weakling, flesh-and-blood human in the office of Prime Minister again. Conservative robotics are the wave of the future.”
5 Hottest Ugly Chicks:
…There are a lot of different people in this crazy little world of ours and since killing them would lead to my arrest – I’ll blog. Believing an all-powerful God will punish you for not confessing your sins to an old man in a booth… is just not smart. An old man who was probably busily molesting a young parishioner earlier that day, no less. I see republican women and republican black people the way most people only look at gay republicans. Meaning they’re all voting against their own interests.
Black, lesbian republicans are stupid – that’s right I said it.
PSA: Stop sending money to feed the hungry in Africa. Stop providing coats to the homeless in Winter. Stop helping underprivileged kids play sports . We need to focus on what will make real lasting change: Internet Memes. Clearly our population had been dumbed-down to the point where reading full sentences or watching short videos has become too time-consuming and ZAP the quick meme was born.
QUESTION: What’s worse than a gay republican? … And don’t say a gay cannibal, I’ve already gone there.