Just Words I Wrote, Really

***This post post contains no racial slurs and no references to rape, clowns or genital mutilation. Please help stop the raping of deer by moose in your community. This crime tears families and deer vaginas apart.***

Tips for Bored Housewives:

  1. Stop paying for magazines to read ways to excite him sexually, suck on his penis- he’ll love it. Everything else above and beyond this is an example of diminishing returns on investment.
  2. Laminate a photograph of a nice pair of tits and affix it to the bottom of your kitchen sink. Asking to for the dishes to be done will soon be a thing of the past. This works the same as pictures of cartoon characters on the bottom of children’s cereal bowls to encourage finishing the meal.
  3. If you’re worried about your husband having an affair, you’re smart. Most, if not all, married and attached men are having sex on the side. Often. So go on, girl, and snoop through his shit without shame… As all men are insatiably horny, all women are amateur private investigators.
  4. Enforce a strict “no bitching” rule. This allows your complaints to be properly heard and addressed without being lost in the noise of the less important beefs of others.
  5. Smoke Dope – it’ll take off the edge of those catty PTA meetings and tedious Neighborhood Watch pitchfork-and-torch gatherings. Also, I would imagine it makes watching toddlers fall down while learning to walk hilarious.

 

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