Free Jesus!

Recently a friend of mine “found Jesus“. No, he wasn’t under the cupboards. And no, he wasn’t on top of the fridge. Where was he? Where Jesus always be hanging out, of course: Prison. Who ever would have known that if you wanted to find the ghost of a dead, Jewish Carpenter-God all you need to do is get caught cooking meth or snacking on faces while high on bathsalts.

What exactly is Jesus’ crime? Why is he so frequently incarcerated? And since Jesus is ALWAYS found by millions of men (and some fucked up women, too) in jail, shouldn’t we be keeping a closer eye on these facilities? Allowing this hippy-looking, zombie-Jew to infiltrate our prison systems so ubiquitously is seriously undermining the US’s authority over young black men who have been caught smoking pot… Surely these young men are every bit as dangerous as Charlie Manson, the bathsalts cannibal, or Bernie Madoff (another suspicious Jewish gentlemen).

Prisons here in Canada are experiencing a decline in patronage also. The conservative government is prepared to deal with these low enrollment numbers though, and they’ve found a way to solve the issue of the protests in Montreal as well. Harper announced that he will personally oversee the transformation of McGill University into a state-of-the-art maximum security prison— The most technologically advanced structure in our nation– to contain what he calls “Frog Protesters” and “the gays”. Official Opposition and NDP leader, Thomas Mulcair, called this move “revolutionary for the needs of Canadians” and went on to call it “the first of many freedom-removing, oppressive and patriotic changes” to our Canadian culture. All this less than one week after this Stephen Harper was seen removing his artificial human face at a peace rally to frighten demonstrators in Ottawa. “His robot eyes are trustworthy”, One Conservative Party Pundit was heard to remark as Harper used his eyes to shoot lasers at a few stray puppies. “I can’t imagine having a weakling, flesh-and-blood human in the office of Prime Minister again. Conservative robotics are the wave of the future.”

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