Assisted Gay Teen Suicide

The ruling made by the Court of the Queen’s Bench from Canada’s West Coast recently has many Canadians shaking their heads with disbelief. It has been only days since it became legal to help male gay teens commit suicide in Canada and already more than fifty altruistic Albertans have assisted in gay teen suicides all over the nation. “It’s important that they have help in ending their lives… sure, some of them are gay and not yet suicidal– that’s where we come in.” Said Bishop McTouchyerballs of the Catholic Church of Canada. He and several of his well-groomed altar boys said a prayer of Christian Love and acceptance shortly after counselling and assisting with the suicide of an incurably gay teen today in our studio. The 14-year-old ginger boy was described as “can’t-keep-a-lid-on-it gay” and “Liza gay”. The failed counselling and attempted gay-exorcism conducted earlier in the studio was the last of several. “They need to understand that the faster they are with God to be judged, the better. They don’t need any more years of sinful happiness before they walk up to those majestic, hetero-sexual pearly gates.” Bishop McTouchyerballs was a proud promoter of the issue on his Christian focused website: “God Hates Fems” – A website dedicated to the elimination of flamboyant gays who wear glitter and say things like “fierce”. The website also allows the pastor to offer his services to exorcise the gayness from anyone who suspects they may have been looking a little too long in the locker room– all they need to do is send him a shirtless photograph and their phone number– and because he’s a good Christian he doesn’t even charge.

Of course, homosexual radicals say that this infringes on their rights to have unpleasant-to-think-about-sex with teenagers and most are concerned about the impact on this summer’s parades. “It’s disgusting that people like Bishop McTouchyerballs exist- those robes, those hats – yuck! If he keeps this up, our Gay Teen Sex float is going to be ferociously empty! Sad Face!” said the local pride parade planner, Lou Sass, before throwing a handful of glitter into the air in a fit of rage. The group in charge of the parade, “Asexual and Not Asexual League” or ANAL, released a statement this morning that called for any gay teens who are thinking about suicide to have it assisted by ANAL. They have many trained counselors and therapists who can help provide all your assisted suicide needs.

Meanwhile, in Nunavut, Chief Ntquite As’ian’s Inuit tribe, “Four Wheeler”, had sent three gay teens out on ice-flows earlier today. Between huffs of gas with our Igloo correspondent Chip Conroy, the chief reported that no gays were sent against their will “These were very old and very ill gay teens. Without our intervention they each could have endured days of embarrassment and possibly suffered decades of liberated, self-actualization as out gay men.” Unlike McTouchyerballs, Chief Ntquite As’ian agrees with closeted homosexuality as long as people don’t talk about it so much. “What two men do in the bathroom at a truck stop when their wives are at Bingo is not our concern. Just make sure no one’s around and meet me there when we’re done with this interview.” Watch the full unedited director’s cut of this video available now at – So hot it’ll melt your house!

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2 thoughts on “Assisted Gay Teen Suicide

  1. tkstoddart says:

    I cannot believe how edgy this begins, and how funny it is by the end.

  2. This is some great writing! Bit sad also, because it’s a little too close to being accurate. Makes me happy I don’t live with all the crazies in North America. Even though we seem to have our fair share in Australia, they’re not running the country just yet. Nice work. Can’t wait to read more.

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