Monthly Archives: July 2012

Keeping Up with the Romneys

Secret documents obtained by RoyMinor reveal Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s, tax returns prior to 2010. Although there are many varied aspects of his return which will interest both the Obama campaign and the average voter, the most glaringly obvious problem with his return was the “Fuck the Poor” stamp he’d used at the bottom, right corner of each page of the return. His expenses listed are another concern. He cited costs of “Pet Grooming” for the year in 2008 as being $113, 000.00 and costs for his wife’s yearly vaginal rejuvenation were well into the millions. Other costs for the Romney’s, or any average American family as Mitt himself said, included an average yearly cost of $615,000.00 for sweaters and khakis, $228,950.00 for the all-important annual fresh coat of paint on the family jet, and the reasonable $28,500.00 in costs listed as “Hair Care”. Possibly his most luxurious annual charges were for a rare tooth-whitening service which uses the unformed teeth from aborted fetuses and the tears of orphans. Romney has not lost his common touch he said yesterday in an interview that he had recently “seen a city bus” and had once, as a boy, “shopped at a mall”.

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Text and Drive

I’m tired of people saying that texting while driving is dangerous. Texting while stupid and driving is what is dangerous– and talking on a cell phone without blue-tooth is absolutely no different than smoking a cigarette while driving, or having a coffee, or reaching across to pick up your crack-pipe from the floor of the passenger side. I’m totally convinced that anyone who gets herself or himself into an accident while driving because they were handling a cell phone is no great loss for our species and we should encourage texting while driving in order to improve society as a whole. Dying so you can update facebook is a noble cause.

Senior Nipples

NEW RULES (Yes, like Bill Maher: prophet of Atheism):

  • Start making selecting my seat at the movies easier! Sure, I can pick out a seat before the show begins, but I have no way of telling whether the person who picked the seat next to mine is going to be that hot, thin girl and her mom, or that scary, death-metal guy and his elderly girlfirend. I like to buy a seat next to two other people in a close-to empty show and then I try to join their date. Makes that time before the previews fly by.
  • No more nip slips, Madonna. First off I’d like to mention that Madonna is the same age as my mother–A much classier, rounder woman in her 50s…You were never that hot, and now you’re old, too.I thought for sure by now she’d be onto some whole new endeavor that no one had ever thought of, really, or totally take over social media and somehow become internationally relevant again. Oh well, I guess she’ll put out a single or two every now and then and we can all look at her videos and marvel at how truly life-like she is. Like now. If you needed anymore convincing against the existence of God, just remember that Michael Jackson died and Madonna is still touring.
  • Stop letting your kid act like an asshole. We all see you at the beach, at the movies, and at the mall. When that tyrant grows up and stops bossing your ass around the whole fucking city has to deal with his bullshit. Try This: Hit him. Tell him why you hit him. Hit him again. Repeat until he can join a group of other children without being a dick.
  • No more wearing a bikini Ms. FourHundredPoundMotherofNineCsectionchildren – I did not come to the community pool to see a belly button bigger than my fist, but I stayed for it. *Stop laughing you Skinny bitches, if i can count your ribs or watch your heat beat at the pool you should probably wear a one-piece, too… Some of these women look like biology room decor.
  • When you see that I’m passing you on the highway and you realize you’ve been stuck behind a senior driving 80km/h, please do NOT then put on your blinker after performing a shoulder-check as I reach the point of no return on passing your vehicle. This causes me to shit my pants just a little and if you just wait until I’ve gone past you entirely we can all go home shit-free.
  • Lindsay Lohan has to stop being in the news. I have no idea what it is she’s been up to recently and it’s only because I have trained myself to tune out anything that is said immediately after her name… I’m not really going anywhere with this, I just wish she would fade away like Nicole Ritchie or Survivor contestants.
  • I want to have bread, milk and fresh fruit and vegetable delivered to my house everyday. This isn’t really a new rule, it’s not part of this list, but it’s what I was thinking– and how great would that be?!
  • Start making robots. It’s the fucking year 2012, why am I not waking up each day to a robot-slave in my flying-house-car-boat on the Moon? I wish Newt Gingrinch were President…
  • Keep Christ in Church! I know that it’s nowhere near Xmas time, but I fucking hate that float in our parade and the display on the town common. It’s an eyesore with unattractive figures representing some old-timey Jews in a manger with farm animals. I have not intentionally used anything other than “Xmas” to refer to the time of year I bring a pine tree in the house and put shiny balls all over it. Pronounced “Ex-mas”.
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