Monthly Archives: November 2012

Comedy Dump

Between posts I will sometimes make little notes to remember ideas for future posts, usually I just forget about them and start fresh… This post is made of some of these snippets that have accumulated on my desktop since I last made a post.

*************************************

My homo- hookup app, Grindr, advised me at 1:32am Atlantic Time on Nov 1st, 2012 that Serbia’s gay pride parade has been deemed illegal (im assuming by the government there. I don’t know anything about Serbia, I’m pretty good with global geography, usually, but still… no idea. I chose to “learn more by clicking ‘More’”, because I enjoy learning new things and because no one had offered me a rim-job yet, but my beloved oral-sex app crashed when it tried to open the link. I guess I’ll never know.

**************************************

~Sometimes I’ll just be sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer and then I’ll blink and I realize there’s actually no TV and I’m just sitting in a room full of my relatives.~

*************************************

ROY MINOR’S CHECK-LIST

Jews- check, Republicans- check, Christians- check and check, Fatties- check, Mormons- check, Gays- check… Time to come up with some good ‘Cripples’ material.

*******************************************

“I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.”

********************************************

I need a catch-phrase.

Actually, I just wish people would use my name as a verb:

  • “I’ve been Roy Minoring all day. Time to get some work done.”
  • “You’ve just been Roy Minorized”
  • “Oh man, I just Roy Minor’d all over that girl’s face.”
  • Take it to mean what you want- it just amused me.

********************************************

Why hasn’t anyone at one of those gay-curing, bullshit places ever tried this: “Just find the right girl”. I do NOT advocate gay-reversal therapy or whatever you want to call that brainwashing technique, nor do I think it EVER works in the way they say and believe it does. If you ask me (and no one has) the only way anything like this could ever work would be if it involved having men who genuinely do not want to be gay being trained into sex with women, lots of women and by challenging them to have sex with as many women as possible in a Biggest Loser or Amazing Race -style competition. Results and eliminations of re-gayed contestants would take place each week and digital photographic proof would be required and later submitted to tie-in website gaydixinchix.com.

***************************************

ANN COULTER VS. THE WORD POLICE

Run, bitch! Ruuuun! Ann Coulter’s care-free tweeting of the word “retard” in reference to President Obama has landed her in serious trouble with the word police. I would have thought it would be alright for her to say since I hear black rappers saying “nigger” all the time. And how is it that I keep hearing that “n-word”? I was sure Jesse Jackson hosted a funeral for it years ago. I’m not sure how it died at the time, but gang violence is a safe bet.

*Ann’s also against the nineteenth amendment* <This isn’t really connected (other than supporting my “retards can say ‘retard’ theory”), but it’s damn funny on its own.

***************************************

On YouTube

I have just (regrettably) watched 9 minutes of ‘E!’s Nicki Minaj: My Truth’ that I can never have back. It’s time to step away from this computer and try not to let her mar my progressive views of women, people of colour, pop stars and rappers.

^This was originally a facebook status update, but I couldn’t bring myself to expose this kind of embarrassing, personal information online.

***************************************

*Hey, I have to make a quick, local phone call without it fucking up… if only my iPhone had an app for that.*

***************************************

That’s all folks!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Fat …or Holoween

I have absolutely no faith, but I do maintain a who-gives-a-fuck attitude and it seems to work in much the same way.  -Roy Minor

Tonight is Halloween. A night that we men have somehow transformed into sexual-fantasy-role-play-night. No one can say exactly how or when it started but I don’t think it was politically motivated feminists asserting their liberation and independence. Somewhere between doing the Monster Mash and shuffling around to Thriller, Halloween became a night when otherwise upstanding, well-dressed and demure young women parade around like naughty policewomen, naughty nurses and (my favorite) naughty nuns. The word “naughty” here can and should be replaced with “slutty”. Don’t get me wrong! It’s great — I love it. I truly wish every day was like Halloween. Everyone dresses like a slut or a mentally retarded person or a zombie (all VERY entertaining characters). I myself don’t dress up usually however today I did wear my leather jacket boots and belt and bought 1$ worth of fake piercings. Let’s call a spade a spade and all admit that Halloween costume parties and social gatherings are totally geared against fat people. They might make slutty school-girl costumes that are XXL but you never see this being worn. What you do see, however is the sad fat ghost, the lonely fat witch, and, the classic, fat pumpkin. Anything that covers head-to-toe, really. And all this on a night that is supposed to be dedicated to candy and sweets!

Fact: Some people are just genetically inclined to look better in black and solid colors and are determined in the womb to be a “large” person. These people are not up for discussion. You know them when you see them and they don’t register as “fat”. Big, large, stocky, solid– whatever. The other people are who I am talking about. The fat. These people need to be identified, discussed and dealt with. You know them; They live in our towns, eat in our restaurants, shop at our grocery stores and then they eat at our restaurants again. They’re growing in numbers, weight and apathy. They, the fat, have some or all of the qualities listed below and they can be cured of their unattractive and jiggly disorder!

Who’s “Fat”?:            (totally makes me think of that Weird Al Michael Jackson Parody)

  • Has never exerted physical energy for anything that didn’t taste good.
  • Eats more food than is provided by any North American fast food establishment  in a single combo- Every time.
  • Gets winded walking up stairs– or while carrying too many cakes.
  • Walks only because a Hover-round has not yet been purchased. Has visited website more than once.
  • Asks “Are you going to finish that?” more than twice each day.
  • Finds food in bed- and bathroom- and car- and self -at all times.
  • Credit Card Statement easily mistaken for Restaurant Yellow Pages.

**These people need to be found, rounded up, deprived of fast food and forced to exercise until feeling good about themselves is appropriate.**

Let’s have a fat-holocaust. No killing- we’ll just get rid of the fat. It’s way easier to spot a Fat than a Jew so we can get it done way faster than Hitler did- and we won’t get bogged down with all the upkeep and maintenance that genocide requires. We’ll be a society of regular, human-sized people again, wouldn’t that be great? North America (with white European countries closely behind) is getting so fat so fast that we may sink the continents before Global Warming can flood the Earth. This is a global problem, people. We have to get these Tubby  citizens on a fucking bow-flex before we’re all swimming around like fools!

I know, you say: “But, Roy Minor, you’re not fat, yourself. How can you possibly judge these gentle giants without knowing their sorrows?” Well, even though I may only weigh 130 pounds, soaking wet and holding a chicken, and even though I have dashing good looks and a very high metabolism that lets me eat anything and everything I want- I am still humble and I want you all to know that I do take the feelings of these unfortunately-sized souls into serious consideration. I realize that it is not so easy for some fat-fucks out there. And so I’ve devised a great plan for going from “fuck that” to “fuckable”. It’s easy, it’s memorable, and it works:

  1. Exercise ‘Till You’re Sore
  2. Don’t Eat ANYTHING That Tastes Good
  3. STOP Wearing Capes, Ponchos, and Giant Scarves- You just look like a big, fat chick wearing a blanket with a hole in it- stop that.

I’m aware that some of you… how shall I say… gargantuan… readers will be offended by what I’ve written. That’s all. I just wanted you to know that I already know, so you don’t have to post a comment saying how offended you are. Although, it would be nice for me to know that SOMEONE is reading this shit- even if it is just some gigantic tub-of-lard blogger. So go ahead, Chunky, do the truffle-shuffle and give me hell! The Jews were silent, the Asians said nothing, the Christians remain unspoken for, hopefully some loud, fat, idiot will attempt to shame me online for being so rude to the gelatinous masses.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,