Comedy Dump

Between posts I will sometimes make little notes to remember ideas for future posts, usually I just forget about them and start fresh… This post is made of some of these snippets that have accumulated on my desktop since I last made a post.

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My homo- hookup app, Grindr, advised me at 1:32am Atlantic Time on Nov 1st, 2012 that Serbia’s gay pride parade has been deemed illegal (im assuming by the government there. I don’t know anything about Serbia, I’m pretty good with global geography, usually, but still… no idea. I chose to “learn more by clicking ‘More’”, because I enjoy learning new things and because no one had offered me a rim-job yet, but my beloved oral-sex app crashed when it tried to open the link. I guess I’ll never know.

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~Sometimes I’ll just be sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer and then I’ll blink and I realize there’s actually no TV and I’m just sitting in a room full of my relatives.~

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ROY MINOR’S CHECK-LIST

Jews- check, Republicans- check, Christians- check and check, Fatties- check, Mormons- check, Gays- check… Time to come up with some good ‘Cripples’ material.

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“I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.”

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I need a catch-phrase.

Actually, I just wish people would use my name as a verb:

  • “I’ve been Roy Minoring all day. Time to get some work done.”
  • “You’ve just been Roy Minorized”
  • “Oh man, I just Roy Minor’d all over that girl’s face.”
  • Take it to mean what you want- it just amused me.

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Why hasn’t anyone at one of those gay-curing, bullshit places ever tried this: “Just find the right girl”. I do NOT advocate gay-reversal therapy or whatever you want to call that brainwashing technique, nor do I think it EVER works in the way they say and believe it does. If you ask me (and no one has) the only way anything like this could ever work would be if it involved having men who genuinely do not want to be gay being trained into sex with women, lots of women and by challenging them to have sex with as many women as possible in a Biggest Loser or Amazing Race -style competition. Results and eliminations of re-gayed contestants would take place each week and digital photographic proof would be required and later submitted to tie-in website gaydixinchix.com.

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ANN COULTER VS. THE WORD POLICE

Run, bitch! Ruuuun! Ann Coulter’s care-free tweeting of the word “retard” in reference to President Obama has landed her in serious trouble with the word police. I would have thought it would be alright for her to say since I hear black rappers saying “nigger” all the time. And how is it that I keep hearing that “n-word”? I was sure Jesse Jackson hosted a funeral for it years ago. I’m not sure how it died at the time, but gang violence is a safe bet.

*Ann’s also against the nineteenth amendment* <This isn’t really connected (other than supporting my “retards can say ‘retard’ theory”), but it’s damn funny on its own.

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On YouTube

I have just (regrettably) watched 9 minutes of ‘E!’s Nicki Minaj: My Truth’ that I can never have back. It’s time to step away from this computer and try not to let her mar my progressive views of women, people of colour, pop stars and rappers.

^This was originally a facebook status update, but I couldn’t bring myself to expose this kind of embarrassing, personal information online.

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*Hey, I have to make a quick, local phone call without it fucking up… if only my iPhone had an app for that.*

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That’s all folks!

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