Comedy Dump

Between posts I will sometimes make little notes to remember ideas for future posts, usually I just forget about them and start fresh… This post is made of some of these snippets that have accumulated on my desktop since I last made a post.

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My homo- hookup app, Grindr, advised me at 1:32am Atlantic Time on Nov 1st, 2012 that Serbia’s gay pride parade has been deemed illegal (im assuming by the government there. I don’t know anything about Serbia, I’m pretty good with global geography, usually, but still… no idea. I chose to “learn more by clicking ‘More’”, because I enjoy learning new things and because no one had offered me a rim-job yet, but my beloved oral-sex app crashed when it tried to open the link. I guess I’ll never know.

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~Sometimes I’ll just be sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer and then I’ll blink and I realize there’s actually no TV and I’m just sitting in a room full of my relatives.~

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ROY MINOR’S CHECK-LIST

Jews- check, Republicans- check, Christians- check and check, Fatties- check, Mormons- check, Gays- check… Time to come up with some good ‘Cripples’ material.

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“I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.”

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I need a catch-phrase.

Actually, I just wish people would use my name as a verb:

  • “I’ve been Roy Minoring all day. Time to get some work done.”
  • “You’ve just been Roy Minorized”
  • “Oh man, I just Roy Minor’d all over that girl’s face.”
  • Take it to mean what you want- it just amused me.

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Why hasn’t anyone at one of those gay-curing, bullshit places ever tried this: “Just find the right girl”. I do NOT advocate gay-reversal therapy or whatever you want to call that brainwashing technique, nor do I think it EVER works in the way they say and believe it does. If you ask me (and no one has) the only way anything like this could ever work would be if it involved having men who genuinely do not want to be gay being trained into sex with women, lots of women and by challenging them to have sex with as many women as possible in a Biggest Loser or Amazing Race -style competition. Results and eliminations of re-gayed contestants would take place each week and digital photographic proof would be required and later submitted to tie-in website gaydixinchix.com.

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ANN COULTER VS. THE WORD POLICE

Run, bitch! Ruuuun! Ann Coulter’s care-free tweeting of the word “retard” in reference to President Obama has landed her in serious trouble with the word police. I would have thought it would be alright for her to say since I hear black rappers saying “nigger” all the time. And how is it that I keep hearing that “n-word”? I was sure Jesse Jackson hosted a funeral for it years ago. I’m not sure how it died at the time, but gang violence is a safe bet.

*Ann’s also against the nineteenth amendment* <This isn’t really connected (other than supporting my “retards can say ‘retard’ theory”), but it’s damn funny on its own.

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On YouTube

I have just (regrettably) watched 9 minutes of ‘E!’s Nicki Minaj: My Truth’ that I can never have back. It’s time to step away from this computer and try not to let her mar my progressive views of women, people of colour, pop stars and rappers.

^This was originally a facebook status update, but I couldn’t bring myself to expose this kind of embarrassing, personal information online.

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*Hey, I have to make a quick, local phone call without it fucking up… if only my iPhone had an app for that.*

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That’s all folks!

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The Fat …or Holoween

I have absolutely no faith, but I do maintain a who-gives-a-fuck attitude and it seems to work in much the same way.  -Roy Minor

Tonight is Halloween. A night that we men have somehow transformed into sexual-fantasy-role-play-night. No one can say exactly how or when it started but I don’t think it was politically motivated feminists asserting their liberation and independence. Somewhere between doing the Monster Mash and shuffling around to Thriller, Halloween became a night when otherwise upstanding, well-dressed and demure young women parade around like naughty policewomen, naughty nurses and (my favorite) naughty nuns. The word “naughty” here can and should be replaced with “slutty”. Don’t get me wrong! It’s great — I love it. I truly wish every day was like Halloween. Everyone dresses like a slut or a mentally retarded person or a zombie (all VERY entertaining characters). I myself don’t dress up usually however today I did wear my leather jacket boots and belt and bought 1$ worth of fake piercings. Let’s call a spade a spade and all admit that Halloween costume parties and social gatherings are totally geared against fat people. They might make slutty school-girl costumes that are XXL but you never see this being worn. What you do see, however is the sad fat ghost, the lonely fat witch, and, the classic, fat pumpkin. Anything that covers head-to-toe, really. And all this on a night that is supposed to be dedicated to candy and sweets!

Fact: Some people are just genetically inclined to look better in black and solid colors and are determined in the womb to be a “large” person. These people are not up for discussion. You know them when you see them and they don’t register as “fat”. Big, large, stocky, solid– whatever. The other people are who I am talking about. The fat. These people need to be identified, discussed and dealt with. You know them; They live in our towns, eat in our restaurants, shop at our grocery stores and then they eat at our restaurants again. They’re growing in numbers, weight and apathy. They, the fat, have some or all of the qualities listed below and they can be cured of their unattractive and jiggly disorder!

Who’s “Fat”?:            (totally makes me think of that Weird Al Michael Jackson Parody)

  • Has never exerted physical energy for anything that didn’t taste good.
  • Eats more food than is provided by any North American fast food establishment  in a single combo- Every time.
  • Gets winded walking up stairs– or while carrying too many cakes.
  • Walks only because a Hover-round has not yet been purchased. Has visited website more than once.
  • Asks “Are you going to finish that?” more than twice each day.
  • Finds food in bed- and bathroom- and car- and self -at all times.
  • Credit Card Statement easily mistaken for Restaurant Yellow Pages.

**These people need to be found, rounded up, deprived of fast food and forced to exercise until feeling good about themselves is appropriate.**

Let’s have a fat-holocaust. No killing- we’ll just get rid of the fat. It’s way easier to spot a Fat than a Jew so we can get it done way faster than Hitler did- and we won’t get bogged down with all the upkeep and maintenance that genocide requires. We’ll be a society of regular, human-sized people again, wouldn’t that be great? North America (with white European countries closely behind) is getting so fat so fast that we may sink the continents before Global Warming can flood the Earth. This is a global problem, people. We have to get these Tubby  citizens on a fucking bow-flex before we’re all swimming around like fools!

I know, you say: “But, Roy Minor, you’re not fat, yourself. How can you possibly judge these gentle giants without knowing their sorrows?” Well, even though I may only weigh 130 pounds, soaking wet and holding a chicken, and even though I have dashing good looks and a very high metabolism that lets me eat anything and everything I want- I am still humble and I want you all to know that I do take the feelings of these unfortunately-sized souls into serious consideration. I realize that it is not so easy for some fat-fucks out there. And so I’ve devised a great plan for going from “fuck that” to “fuckable”. It’s easy, it’s memorable, and it works:

  1. Exercise ‘Till You’re Sore
  2. Don’t Eat ANYTHING That Tastes Good
  3. STOP Wearing Capes, Ponchos, and Giant Scarves- You just look like a big, fat chick wearing a blanket with a hole in it- stop that.

I’m aware that some of you… how shall I say… gargantuan… readers will be offended by what I’ve written. That’s all. I just wanted you to know that I already know, so you don’t have to post a comment saying how offended you are. Although, it would be nice for me to know that SOMEONE is reading this shit- even if it is just some gigantic tub-of-lard blogger. So go ahead, Chunky, do the truffle-shuffle and give me hell! The Jews were silent, the Asians said nothing, the Christians remain unspoken for, hopefully some loud, fat, idiot will attempt to shame me online for being so rude to the gelatinous masses.

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Republicans LOVE Rape Babies

So maybe I’m a little too liberal but I believe that abortions (certainly first and second trimester abortions) should be easier to get than McDonald’s if you want one. This is the year 2012. If I were to discover that there was another human growing inside me this would be completely unacceptable and I would definitely want medical assistance in its removal. Women who want an abortion NEED their abortion. If they’re unsure if they should have kids, they shouldn’t fucking be having any kids. Let people who want kids have kids and let everyone else terminate their pregnancy before anything human-looking develops. I’m incredibly disgusted with the Indiana senator, Richard Mourdock, who recently said that he does not believe abortions should be available to women who have been raped. This immoral belief like nearly all immoral beliefs stems directly from the senator’s religion. Mourdock believes that God has a plan for these rape babies and that women who’ve been raped should be legally required to carry the baby until birth. He later clarified by saying that God does not like rape (luckily Indiana has a senator with a direct line to the creator of the universe) and that rape is evil. Well which is it senator is God having these women raped to produce babies for which God ha a larger master plan? Or is it possible that every little bit of this is complete bullshit made up by men with small intellects and no care for women, their rights or their bodies?

Pro-life people are the most useless sect of our populace, at least psychopaths and serial killers amuse me on the news now and then. These assholes just want to make women with half a brain or more feel bad about their completely reasonable decision to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let my contempt for Indiana’s senator confuse you– rape is just the BEST reason for getting an abortion– upcoming exam week, pre-planned vacations, love of binge-drinking and general disinterest in raising children are also perfectly acceptable reasons.

Conservative MP, Maurice Vellacott, another champion of fact-less Christian idiots, has recently awarded two repeat offender jailbirds the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. The MP and the convicted criminals currently serving time have one very important thing in common, they are all anti-choice advocates and have been brainwashed into thinking some goo inside a woman’s uterus is a person. It is times like this that I truly wish that I could make people drop dead with my mind……. Nope, didn’t work. These ignorant people who so staunchly oppose abortion are nearly always the same hillbillies who opposed gay marriage years ago, who opposed interracial marriage before that and who have always had their pious noses in innocent people’s business. To the anti-choice/ pro-life/ self-righteous losers I say this: Let us fuck who we want, birth when we want and you can go whine about our sins at your church (the only place where people care what strangers do with their own lives). And don’t be giving these wastes of human minds medals of recognition. It will make them think they should continue to profess their ignorant and unwanted opinions and break the law to do it in what they see as the most effective way possible. This all pissed me off too much. No list this time. Okay a little one.

3 Things I LOVE About Abortions:

3. More room on the Highway! *Since 1973 it is estimated that there have been over 1,260,000,000 professionally induced abortions, meaning less traffic. Win! 🙂

2. Fewer Unwanted Children! *The only thing worse than an unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted child.

And the thing I love most about abortions is….

1. My mother didn’t have one. *You see, clearly God planned for me to write this blog post to oppose the anti-choice movement and to inform you that they are border-line retarded and should not be taken seriously.

**It was not easy to find a funny image to go with this post, but here’s what I got when I typed “Hilarious Abortion” into Google**

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Masterdebators, MDNA and Muslims

The first gaffe of the third presidential debate happened shortly after Mitt Romney seated himself at the table and $250, 000.00 accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the stage. While assisting the former Massachusetts Governor in picking up his fallen rubies and emeralds, President Barack Obama made the night’s second gaffe when he was spotted pocketing one of the nicer fist-sized diamonds.

Let’s face it, Obama must win this election lest the American people be saddled with a Mormon, millionaire President who will say whatever he has to win and will do whatever big business tells him to do. Please vote for Obama you obese, unemployed Americans! PLEASE!

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In other news, Madonna continues her North American tour, her latest stop was in Dallas and tonight she’s in Houston, Texas. If you’ve ever wanted to see a cinqo-genarian get half-naked and rub her dried-up lady-parts the MDNA tour (NOT a reference to Mitochondrial DNA– Nerds!) may just be for you. Of course the diva will also thrill the crowd by grinding against 20-something drug addict look-a-likes and there will reportedly also be some singing. After 43 No. 1 songs and 12 studio albums you’ll want to see Madonna live now– while she still is under the impression that she’s relevant.

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And another thing: How can we get Muslim women to stop dressing themselves in those oppressive, odd, and repellent bee-keeper suits?! I know that they say that this is about freedom of choice and freedom to dress oneself how they choose, but the truth of the matter is that they have made a serious virtue in their culture out of wearing this costume that only serves to make women invisible (until they need to be raped or stoned to death for being raped of course) and strip them of any individual identity that is not solely made-up of who she has married. If Islam’s garb of choice was more dramatic or revealing or bedazzled, I might be able to get on board with it… but any idea of a universally adopted dress-code (even if it’s only for the women) makes the scene instantly appear to be either very futuristic, very stone-aged (as in this case), or science-fiction-y(also a strong possibility). When I walk into a food court with more than 3 or 4 tables near me full of girls who are all wearing those things I feel very much like I’m at the cantina from Star Wars. When it all comes down to it dressing all women in ugly cloaks showing only their eyes is too strange for a non-Halloween event. JUDGEMENT: No more bee-keepers or Muslim hijab/burqa combinations! Let my edict ring throughout our nation! Take it off!

Muhammad in Drag

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Romney Declares Economic War with China On Day One After Win!

80-minutes into a 90-minute debate Mitt Romney decided to finally (and awkwardly) show off his conservative, 50’s-nostalgia-style sensibilities, briefly, while answering a question about gun laws in reference to the Batman shootings he made clear his stance on two-parent households over single‑parent homes and reminded us all that children are far less likely to be impoverished with two parents—duh. The topic of the question was quickly abandoned by both parties twice and the issue wasn’t pushed hard by the moderator, who was weak and was talked over throughout the debate. It was disrespectful how neither candidate seemed interested in toning down their rhetoric or shortening their prepared talking-points  to actually answer the questions American citizens were asking them—I would’ve asked what Romney’s thinking trying to take that Ryan clown to the white house.

Shortly after his quick bounce-back from his single-parents-tirade-debacle, Mitt decided he should call out Asian super-power and owner of the United States of America, China, for its currency manipulation and ability to manufacture and sell trinkets and iPhones better than anyone else. This is not the best thing to do; the Chinese have significant weight in American trade markets and it may not sit well with voters that he is so willing to create international tensions with another super-power. Although, many Americans certainly don’t believe there are any super-powers apart from themselves, Chuck Norris, and of course, her holiness, Oprah Winfrey.

 

5 Questions I Would LOVE to Ask the Candidates:

  1. Mitt: Why does someone so incredibly entitled want so badly to end entitlement programs for those who are not so entitled? Was it awful, growing up in that castle with servants?
  2. Barry: When are you going to start living up to racist American expectations by speaking in Ebonics, implementing  single-payer socialized medicare and removing “under God” from the pledge of allegiance?
  3. Mitt: Exactly how much money is in your bank account, wallet, safe, and swimming pool full of coins?
  4. Barry: Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Jan Brewer- Which would you Fuck, Marry, and Kill? (And you know the rules, you have to pick one person for each action.)
  5. Mitt: Do you actually have to fuck Ann Romeny? Gross. Follow up: Do you ever fantasize about Mrs. Obama? In a land-owning Mormon and naughty servant-girl kind of context? I knew it.
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Innocent & Virtuous Merchant Targeted by Local Oppressive Prudes

The owner of a local shop, “Intimate Desires” (The tamest lingerie-plus boutique you’ll ever enter) is currently under fire from Sussex, New Brunswick Town Council. The town council ordered her to cease conducting business and that she was in violation of an “adult entertainment” by-law. Keeping in mind the tiny town has no entertainment- adult or otherwise- available and the nearest cinema is at least a half hour away. The store contains no pornography of any kind and is intended as a couples or marital-aid boutique of sorts, selling suburban, super-safe-style versions of light bondage wear and accessories and some lube. Most items you can buy in her store can also be found in any big box store (it’s just typically spread throughout the store- lube in the pharmacy, bondage wear in sports and fitness– you know). The overwhelming majority of her products are lingerie, costumes and the like. WHY is the council of this town afflicted with such biblical prudishness? This is the year 2012 for goodness’ sake! If your 57-year-old mother can’t buy lube and a skin-tight cat suit in her hometown, where in the hell is she supposed to buy it?! Fifty Shades of Grey has created a seriously high demand for rough sex from women between the ages of 19 and 55 and they need props. Props and lube. Props and lube and costumes – and they should be able to get it!

Too much bible reading and too little sex is my professional opinion on the Sussex town council. The official word from council since this story being picked up by the media is: they are having two meetings in the next few days, this matter is not open for discussion, and if it were, it would occur behind closed doors. (! ?) To most Canadians I hope this generated a big “WTF moment”. I have no doubts that council will see major changes come the next election, I suspect that the people of Sussex are less than impressed knowing they may not be free to conduct legitimate business that the council members may not personally agree with.   I can only imagine what they’ll think when I open my first store in my new “Cock-Rings and Dildos” franchise. We also sell hats.

No list. Can’t be bothered.

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Bathrooms and Voting Booths

President Obama went on Letterman to get the vote of any ignorant hillbilly with a television, P!nk’s album dropped and nobody cared, Lindsay Lohan ran over ANOTHER pedestrian- and laughed,  and Apple starts taking orders for the new, gayer iPhone… It has been an incredibly busy week. Apart from all that excitement, Showtime’s Weeds has aired its final episode and CBS’s Big Brother (a reality show that showcases sluts and douche-bags– No, not Jersey Shore) aired the finale for their fourteenth season on Wednesday.

The upcoming US election will be (as always) the most important election in recent history. The American people could be saddled with a soft-handed, corporate slime-ball who has been filthy rich from birth and who believes in magical underwear. He also belongs to the ‘religion’ that teaches that American Indians’ skin is colored by a curse from an almighty God who currently is a flesh-and-blood deity living on a planet called Kolab– a planet where all men have many wives and women have an eternity of servitude and rapings, presumably. Of course this is only a worst-case scenario. Should President Obama win the election I’m sure that change we can all believe in will happen at the stroke of midnight after his inauguration; when Jay-Z beats will drown out the cries of anguished conservatives and the streets will flow with sizzurp and gin and juice and we can all get funky again.

To address the title “Bathrooms and Voting Booths”, I’m sure there’s a great joke there- I just can’t get to it. Something to do with taking a shit, I’m sure.

I get out a fair bit when I’m not writing this insightful and incredibly well-written blog and I sometimes work at a nightclub cleaning and doing general bus-boy type-stuff (I normally wouldn’t be into this kind of work but I know the owner and he has a hard time finding reliable people who won’t snort anything during their shift or fuck anyone who would let them do it in the supplies closet.). So I have some amusing accounts of my people-watching, listening and recordings. That being said, I present to you tonight my list of intelligent and witty remarks I’ve heard from the fairer sex while cleaning the (much cleaner and quieter) men’s room or gather supplies from the closet the bartender fucks cougars in.

SHiT I’VE HEARD FROM THE NIGHTCLUB LADIES’ ROOM:

  • “If I don’t take that hit of acid soon I’m gonna be practically sober.” (This quote to be read in a loud, slurring voice while holding the door of the ladies’ room open with one hand and clutching an unlit cigarette in the other.)
  • “Fifteen minutes?”  “Yeah, and then he was just done.”  “Did you say anything to him about it?”  “No, it’s weird because I still want him to think I was a virgin so I just acted like it was normal.”
  • (A rotund young woman exits) “If I ever get fat like that I want you to fucking kill me.”  “Me too, do you think she wants us to kill her? ‘Cuz she’s so fat- she must just want everyone to kill her.”
  • “I wanna see how I’d look in this top with a different bra- Can you hold my tits together, Ashley?”
  • “I’ve never had this much fun, I can’t remember the last time all of us were together!”  “It was when Stephanie took all those pills that time.” “I miss her.”
  • “Do you still have that bottle of water?”  “I drank it.”  “Oh, that’s okay” (She leaves) “That ugly bitch drank all my fucking water.”
  • “I wish I would look that good after three kids” “Bitch, what the fuck did you say about my kids?! You better not be talking shit about me havin’ babies, you fucking whore.”
  • “Gross.”  “What is it, Amber?”  “Aww, I got shit all on my sister’s purse and it won’t come out.”  “Just throw it away, it only has her stuff in it.” (Funny, yes, but it turned out to be actual human shit on the purse- and from what female staff could guess she’d used our sink ‘s faucet, the paper towel dispenser and the edge of  the bathroom counter to get it off- it was smeared everywhere.)

And my favorite…

  • “Fuck you, you fucking cunt, if you don’t hurry the fuck up Imma shit on your face.”

Keepin’ it classy for the ladies.

For those of you who are disappointed because you’d subscribed for the love of my racist and culturally insensitive humor and not my women-bashing and cursing- fear not- I’ll soon mock people of every color, eye-shape and hilarious accent.

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Trailer Park College

Shortly after enrollment, payment and beginning classes, a harsh truth revealed itself to me: I am going to the trailer park of colleges. Amusing to you, the reader, no doubt, but incredibly frustrating for me, the student, who must traverse such a school in the hopes of gaining some meaningful employment down the line. I’m taking the Legal Administrative Specialist program (the name of the programs should have been enough of a red flag, but, you know, hindsight… 20/20). I feel as though this school has sucked every ounce of fun out of me. When I get home I’m so frustrated by their lack of professionalism, efficiency and general knowledge that I can’t bring myself to talk to my family or friends about it– since when I’m done my course I will have to act like they provided me with a solid education so as to get hired at some luxurious, blood-sucking, soulless law firm.

My 5 Favorite Things About My Trailer Park College:

  1. It’s in a mall. No, not that mall, the crappy one. No, the one with the Dollar Store in it.
  2. Janitor washes blood from sidewalk daily.
  3. Quick access to weed and alcohol.
  4. No work!
  5. No learning!

I know that my new posts have been … non-existent… and not very good– my apologies. I will be writing more often and I’ll try to drum up some interesting topics to lampoon.  The phrase “legitimate rape” comes to mind.

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ROYMINOR v.2.0

Obviously I have been away from my blog for far too long; travel, summer with the kids, Pride week events, burying bodies, orgies, beginning school and gay chicken have taken up too much of my time lately. Hopefully these experiences can somehow be channeled into the art of “blogedy” (It’s like blog and com… never mind.) Here we go.

6 Things We All Know About The Girl Who Snorts Coke At Any Party:

  1. No panties.
  2. Purse contains less than $50 in cash and more than $50 in lip-gloss.
  3. Needs a place to stay.
  4. Needs a ride to that place.
  5. Will kiss a girl, and like it– for coke.
  6. Will suck your dick– again, for coke.

Recently, at a house-party after the bar I was approached by two shifty but attractive guys who asked if I was prepared to party. Normally I would decline such an offer, choosing to say I had eaten too many cheez-its or that my footwear or hairdo was inappropriate for partying– but at the moment they asked I’d been enjoying intoxicating beverages for quite some time and my reply sounded more like “Fuck yeah! Let’s go!” than “I should be getting home.” So we walked- nearly across the whole city- to an after hours bar where the staff (of maybe 5 people) and an additional five or six people listened to incredibly loud music, smoked cigarettes and snorted whatever it was they were snorting. The venue seemed like a strip club that had lazy, fully-dressed, coke-snorters in lieu of strippers. The only men that were there were “straight” but kept giving each other looks and then disappearing to the alley behind the bar or the men’s room in pairs. Needless to say I stayed for many hours and remember very little of the experience. Some hours later I awoke at home in my bed, wondering if it had all just been an uninteresting dream, or a boring nightmare brought on by too many reruns of “Weeds” and Queer as Folk… but no.

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Keeping Up with the Romneys

Secret documents obtained by RoyMinor reveal Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s, tax returns prior to 2010. Although there are many varied aspects of his return which will interest both the Obama campaign and the average voter, the most glaringly obvious problem with his return was the “Fuck the Poor” stamp he’d used at the bottom, right corner of each page of the return. His expenses listed are another concern. He cited costs of “Pet Grooming” for the year in 2008 as being $113, 000.00 and costs for his wife’s yearly vaginal rejuvenation were well into the millions. Other costs for the Romney’s, or any average American family as Mitt himself said, included an average yearly cost of $615,000.00 for sweaters and khakis, $228,950.00 for the all-important annual fresh coat of paint on the family jet, and the reasonable $28,500.00 in costs listed as “Hair Care”. Possibly his most luxurious annual charges were for a rare tooth-whitening service which uses the unformed teeth from aborted fetuses and the tears of orphans. Romney has not lost his common touch he said yesterday in an interview that he had recently “seen a city bus” and had once, as a boy, “shopped at a mall”.

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