Tag Archives: Canada

Gleefully Overdosing on Heroin

Recently a cast member of Glee overdosed on heroin and died.  People acted like he was a police officer that got killed after saving a baby from a pedophile, maniac, bank-robber, instead of a 30-something who plays a teenager, who is a junkie, and who died from partying too hard while enjoying his millionaire, celebrity lifestyle a bit too much.  Anyone with any sense of perspective could agree that his death is not in the “tragedy” category.  However after making a small post on Facebook about it, a bunch of people I barely know decided to comment on it to shame me for saying that celebrities addicted to heroin deserve their imminent deaths.  What is so controversial about this?  I think that after the Martin/Zimmerman verdict, the Arizona firefighters, and the generally unrest on the other side of the world, this actor’s wild Saturday night is not nearly as newsworthy.  But it was on TV for over a week.  It was on International news for over four days.  It’s obscene.  I’m going to update this post tomorrow when I’m less lazy with some of the better “dark-sense-of-humor-shaming” quotes from my wall.

I have never tried heroine, but if I did, I suspect it would be really, really, good.  People who do it never say that it is the worst feeling ever and try to avoid it a lot after trying it.  On these grounds I am willing to believe that, as a substance, heroine produces feelings of intense euphoria, the likes of which I will never, hopefully, know.  Actual life is actually pretty shitty a lot of the time (if you’re doing it right), and being given the euphoria of an intense narcotic cannot be good for human brains.  Anyone who tries heroine is trying to kill themselves, at least a little.  I bet Jesus did heroine… Nah.  But Lindsay Lohan for sure.  And Amanda Bynes… Maybe.

I have completed my training at the trailer-park-college, and I am now slaving at the trailer-park-law office of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.  My rural town office setting is pretty entertaining for me, they listen to the country music station, they talk about hunting, and the phrase “as useless as tits on a bull” has been uttered.  Did I mention I work in an office with only female coworkers?  Well, I do.  In all honesty, it is the best job I have ever had, and I am only guaranteed to keep it for a month.  After which time they could just say “Thanks for the month of free typing, filing, and general awesomeness”.  The location is perfect for me. I live fifteen minutes from the city, and the office is fifteen minutes further away than me, and it is proudly “Country” out that way.  Everyone has a truck, and an ATV, and a ski-doo for the winter.  If I have to, I will wear cowboy boots and a hat to get hired on full-time.  It’s an ideal small office with few people to answer to, lots of work, and opportunities to learn a lot about law.  More updates on this to come.

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Bored Police vs. Victim-less Crime

From “My Town” Regional Police Force’s FB page:
DRUG SEIZURE
As a result of a drug investigation, on April 3rd, 2013 members of the [“MTRPF”] arrested a 39 year-old male in “My Town” for having approximately 800g of marijuana and a small amount of hash oil for the purposes of trafficking. Also seized was approximately $4700 in cash. This individual will appear in court on May 23rd, 2013.

rrpf

 

I have so many problems with this, but what comes to mind is how senseless it is for marijuana to be illegal in the first place.  Police should be trying to stop and deter violence against children and women, pedophilia, trafficking hard drugs, littering, unpaid fines…  Stopping ANYTHING that causes any harm to anyone would certainly be a better use of the police’s time and money.  I’d feel much better if I thought they were keeping crack, meth, or heroine off my streets.  I wonder how much taxpayers will spend on arresting, prosecuting, incarcerating, and “rehabilitating” the individual they caught.  Seems like a waste to me.  Canada should have already legalized it and be taxing the hell out of it by now.  How much longer will we keep throwing money away and letting a black market (filled with worse crime than getting high) run this billion-dollar show, and keep all their profits tax-free?

 

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woes of a business college student

Today I wrote an exam at my “No-Frills” community college. Not the good one, the other one– In the mall between the liquor store and the bong shop ( amazingly accurate and not a comedic exaggeration)– The one with no books in it. Yes, that one. Anyway, this is a facebook status update I couldn’t bring myself to post because it was too whiny, and made me sound like a giant nerd. I’m a closet-nerd, but my close friends and family know. And you know. Here it is:

Exam today. My problems with it:
1.College employees who are creating tests are unaware of, or do not care about, the definitions of the following terms: skills, tips, steps, items, elements, procedures, suggestions, examples or characteristics. These terms are used interchangeably and inconsistently throughout the tests, the textbook is very clear on which is which- the test maker could have easily checked this- I did.
2. It includes multiple choice questions that are supposed to have only one answer, and that will only accept one correct answer, but that contain two (and sometimes three) other, completely appropriate responses that are also found in the textbook pertaining to exactly the situation found on the test.
3. Some of the answers to be studied were just incorrect (Not just out-dated, as there were a couple of those, too). It’s wrong in the textbook and in the tests, and is used consistently, so you must remember the incorrect textbook answer rather than the real world, actual, answer to the question you’re reading. Very frustrating stuff. Especially when you’re the kind of person who is capable of using Google to confirm your suspicions of idiocy and lazy test-making.
I still did awesome on the exam, I’m sure, but these kinds of errors and oversights are not indicative of attention to detail or high academic standards, IMO.

So that was it. Kind of lengthy for a status update, so I’m glad I could put it here and not waste the time I spent typing it out.

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Hillbilly vs. February

BenderI'mBack

It has been awhile… again… and so I feel the need to type things to no one that are about nothing! I have a lot going on right now and haven’t been paying any attention to my blog lately. It isn’t that I didn’t have the time, or was travelling, or was up to anything newsworthy in any way. I still had plenty of time to facebook about cats and things they might say in broken English, watch everything on Netflix– except for anything worth watching, and work on my shrines to Oprah and Mel Gibson; I just didn’t feel like doing the blog thing, really.

What have I been up to? I have been at a very “no-frills” kind of college for about six months now and I guess it’s going alright. Because most of the other students are recovering meth addicts and various other adult, trailer-dwellers, my marks are sky-high! I just finished a month-long module on proof-reading, editing, and business communications that was the first and only module so far that wasn’t completely -I’M SORRY- retarded. The instructors seem to be whoever showed up the week they were hiring (what I must imagine to be) minimum-wage-earning instructors. The student lounge is far less appealing than our jail’s cafeteria’s, which I’ve seen in the paper and was jealous of. Location? Strip Mall. Neighboring Venues? Liquor Store, Bong Shop, Dollar Store. To keep things on a positive note, the instructor we had over the past month was AMAZING. Truly, a diamond in the rough. She was like an elderly Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, but with no black people.

SPEAKING OF BLACK PEOPLE. February was black history month for some reason and I take this as a direct threat to racism everywhere! How is a poor, working, hillbilly in West Virginia supposed to make sure his kids are as racist as he is when they’ve got black people in your face for 28 straight days?! It is enough to make some want to load their shotguns– that  they bought with the freedom of the second amendment, with no background checks, and $200,  from the tailgate of a shifty yokel’s pickup– and take their country back!

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Republicans LOVE Rape Babies

So maybe I’m a little too liberal but I believe that abortions (certainly first and second trimester abortions) should be easier to get than McDonald’s if you want one. This is the year 2012. If I were to discover that there was another human growing inside me this would be completely unacceptable and I would definitely want medical assistance in its removal. Women who want an abortion NEED their abortion. If they’re unsure if they should have kids, they shouldn’t fucking be having any kids. Let people who want kids have kids and let everyone else terminate their pregnancy before anything human-looking develops. I’m incredibly disgusted with the Indiana senator, Richard Mourdock, who recently said that he does not believe abortions should be available to women who have been raped. This immoral belief like nearly all immoral beliefs stems directly from the senator’s religion. Mourdock believes that God has a plan for these rape babies and that women who’ve been raped should be legally required to carry the baby until birth. He later clarified by saying that God does not like rape (luckily Indiana has a senator with a direct line to the creator of the universe) and that rape is evil. Well which is it senator is God having these women raped to produce babies for which God ha a larger master plan? Or is it possible that every little bit of this is complete bullshit made up by men with small intellects and no care for women, their rights or their bodies?

Pro-life people are the most useless sect of our populace, at least psychopaths and serial killers amuse me on the news now and then. These assholes just want to make women with half a brain or more feel bad about their completely reasonable decision to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let my contempt for Indiana’s senator confuse you– rape is just the BEST reason for getting an abortion– upcoming exam week, pre-planned vacations, love of binge-drinking and general disinterest in raising children are also perfectly acceptable reasons.

Conservative MP, Maurice Vellacott, another champion of fact-less Christian idiots, has recently awarded two repeat offender jailbirds the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. The MP and the convicted criminals currently serving time have one very important thing in common, they are all anti-choice advocates and have been brainwashed into thinking some goo inside a woman’s uterus is a person. It is times like this that I truly wish that I could make people drop dead with my mind……. Nope, didn’t work. These ignorant people who so staunchly oppose abortion are nearly always the same hillbillies who opposed gay marriage years ago, who opposed interracial marriage before that and who have always had their pious noses in innocent people’s business. To the anti-choice/ pro-life/ self-righteous losers I say this: Let us fuck who we want, birth when we want and you can go whine about our sins at your church (the only place where people care what strangers do with their own lives). And don’t be giving these wastes of human minds medals of recognition. It will make them think they should continue to profess their ignorant and unwanted opinions and break the law to do it in what they see as the most effective way possible. This all pissed me off too much. No list this time. Okay a little one.

3 Things I LOVE About Abortions:

3. More room on the Highway! *Since 1973 it is estimated that there have been over 1,260,000,000 professionally induced abortions, meaning less traffic. Win! 🙂

2. Fewer Unwanted Children! *The only thing worse than an unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted child.

And the thing I love most about abortions is….

1. My mother didn’t have one. *You see, clearly God planned for me to write this blog post to oppose the anti-choice movement and to inform you that they are border-line retarded and should not be taken seriously.

**It was not easy to find a funny image to go with this post, but here’s what I got when I typed “Hilarious Abortion” into Google**

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Masterdebators, MDNA and Muslims

The first gaffe of the third presidential debate happened shortly after Mitt Romney seated himself at the table and $250, 000.00 accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the stage. While assisting the former Massachusetts Governor in picking up his fallen rubies and emeralds, President Barack Obama made the night’s second gaffe when he was spotted pocketing one of the nicer fist-sized diamonds.

Let’s face it, Obama must win this election lest the American people be saddled with a Mormon, millionaire President who will say whatever he has to win and will do whatever big business tells him to do. Please vote for Obama you obese, unemployed Americans! PLEASE!

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In other news, Madonna continues her North American tour, her latest stop was in Dallas and tonight she’s in Houston, Texas. If you’ve ever wanted to see a cinqo-genarian get half-naked and rub her dried-up lady-parts the MDNA tour (NOT a reference to Mitochondrial DNA– Nerds!) may just be for you. Of course the diva will also thrill the crowd by grinding against 20-something drug addict look-a-likes and there will reportedly also be some singing. After 43 No. 1 songs and 12 studio albums you’ll want to see Madonna live now– while she still is under the impression that she’s relevant.

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And another thing: How can we get Muslim women to stop dressing themselves in those oppressive, odd, and repellent bee-keeper suits?! I know that they say that this is about freedom of choice and freedom to dress oneself how they choose, but the truth of the matter is that they have made a serious virtue in their culture out of wearing this costume that only serves to make women invisible (until they need to be raped or stoned to death for being raped of course) and strip them of any individual identity that is not solely made-up of who she has married. If Islam’s garb of choice was more dramatic or revealing or bedazzled, I might be able to get on board with it… but any idea of a universally adopted dress-code (even if it’s only for the women) makes the scene instantly appear to be either very futuristic, very stone-aged (as in this case), or science-fiction-y(also a strong possibility). When I walk into a food court with more than 3 or 4 tables near me full of girls who are all wearing those things I feel very much like I’m at the cantina from Star Wars. When it all comes down to it dressing all women in ugly cloaks showing only their eyes is too strange for a non-Halloween event. JUDGEMENT: No more bee-keepers or Muslim hijab/burqa combinations! Let my edict ring throughout our nation! Take it off!

Muhammad in Drag

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Romney Declares Economic War with China On Day One After Win!

80-minutes into a 90-minute debate Mitt Romney decided to finally (and awkwardly) show off his conservative, 50’s-nostalgia-style sensibilities, briefly, while answering a question about gun laws in reference to the Batman shootings he made clear his stance on two-parent households over single‑parent homes and reminded us all that children are far less likely to be impoverished with two parents—duh. The topic of the question was quickly abandoned by both parties twice and the issue wasn’t pushed hard by the moderator, who was weak and was talked over throughout the debate. It was disrespectful how neither candidate seemed interested in toning down their rhetoric or shortening their prepared talking-points  to actually answer the questions American citizens were asking them—I would’ve asked what Romney’s thinking trying to take that Ryan clown to the white house.

Shortly after his quick bounce-back from his single-parents-tirade-debacle, Mitt decided he should call out Asian super-power and owner of the United States of America, China, for its currency manipulation and ability to manufacture and sell trinkets and iPhones better than anyone else. This is not the best thing to do; the Chinese have significant weight in American trade markets and it may not sit well with voters that he is so willing to create international tensions with another super-power. Although, many Americans certainly don’t believe there are any super-powers apart from themselves, Chuck Norris, and of course, her holiness, Oprah Winfrey.

 

5 Questions I Would LOVE to Ask the Candidates:

  1. Mitt: Why does someone so incredibly entitled want so badly to end entitlement programs for those who are not so entitled? Was it awful, growing up in that castle with servants?
  2. Barry: When are you going to start living up to racist American expectations by speaking in Ebonics, implementing  single-payer socialized medicare and removing “under God” from the pledge of allegiance?
  3. Mitt: Exactly how much money is in your bank account, wallet, safe, and swimming pool full of coins?
  4. Barry: Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Jan Brewer- Which would you Fuck, Marry, and Kill? (And you know the rules, you have to pick one person for each action.)
  5. Mitt: Do you actually have to fuck Ann Romeny? Gross. Follow up: Do you ever fantasize about Mrs. Obama? In a land-owning Mormon and naughty servant-girl kind of context? I knew it.
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Innocent & Virtuous Merchant Targeted by Local Oppressive Prudes

The owner of a local shop, “Intimate Desires” (The tamest lingerie-plus boutique you’ll ever enter) is currently under fire from Sussex, New Brunswick Town Council. The town council ordered her to cease conducting business and that she was in violation of an “adult entertainment” by-law. Keeping in mind the tiny town has no entertainment- adult or otherwise- available and the nearest cinema is at least a half hour away. The store contains no pornography of any kind and is intended as a couples or marital-aid boutique of sorts, selling suburban, super-safe-style versions of light bondage wear and accessories and some lube. Most items you can buy in her store can also be found in any big box store (it’s just typically spread throughout the store- lube in the pharmacy, bondage wear in sports and fitness– you know). The overwhelming majority of her products are lingerie, costumes and the like. WHY is the council of this town afflicted with such biblical prudishness? This is the year 2012 for goodness’ sake! If your 57-year-old mother can’t buy lube and a skin-tight cat suit in her hometown, where in the hell is she supposed to buy it?! Fifty Shades of Grey has created a seriously high demand for rough sex from women between the ages of 19 and 55 and they need props. Props and lube. Props and lube and costumes – and they should be able to get it!

Too much bible reading and too little sex is my professional opinion on the Sussex town council. The official word from council since this story being picked up by the media is: they are having two meetings in the next few days, this matter is not open for discussion, and if it were, it would occur behind closed doors. (! ?) To most Canadians I hope this generated a big “WTF moment”. I have no doubts that council will see major changes come the next election, I suspect that the people of Sussex are less than impressed knowing they may not be free to conduct legitimate business that the council members may not personally agree with.   I can only imagine what they’ll think when I open my first store in my new “Cock-Rings and Dildos” franchise. We also sell hats.

No list. Can’t be bothered.

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Trailer Park College

Shortly after enrollment, payment and beginning classes, a harsh truth revealed itself to me: I am going to the trailer park of colleges. Amusing to you, the reader, no doubt, but incredibly frustrating for me, the student, who must traverse such a school in the hopes of gaining some meaningful employment down the line. I’m taking the Legal Administrative Specialist program (the name of the programs should have been enough of a red flag, but, you know, hindsight… 20/20). I feel as though this school has sucked every ounce of fun out of me. When I get home I’m so frustrated by their lack of professionalism, efficiency and general knowledge that I can’t bring myself to talk to my family or friends about it– since when I’m done my course I will have to act like they provided me with a solid education so as to get hired at some luxurious, blood-sucking, soulless law firm.

My 5 Favorite Things About My Trailer Park College:

  1. It’s in a mall. No, not that mall, the crappy one. No, the one with the Dollar Store in it.
  2. Janitor washes blood from sidewalk daily.
  3. Quick access to weed and alcohol.
  4. No work!
  5. No learning!

I know that my new posts have been … non-existent… and not very good– my apologies. I will be writing more often and I’ll try to drum up some interesting topics to lampoon.  The phrase “legitimate rape” comes to mind.

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ROYMINOR v.2.0

Obviously I have been away from my blog for far too long; travel, summer with the kids, Pride week events, burying bodies, orgies, beginning school and gay chicken have taken up too much of my time lately. Hopefully these experiences can somehow be channeled into the art of “blogedy” (It’s like blog and com… never mind.) Here we go.

6 Things We All Know About The Girl Who Snorts Coke At Any Party:

  1. No panties.
  2. Purse contains less than $50 in cash and more than $50 in lip-gloss.
  3. Needs a place to stay.
  4. Needs a ride to that place.
  5. Will kiss a girl, and like it– for coke.
  6. Will suck your dick– again, for coke.

Recently, at a house-party after the bar I was approached by two shifty but attractive guys who asked if I was prepared to party. Normally I would decline such an offer, choosing to say I had eaten too many cheez-its or that my footwear or hairdo was inappropriate for partying– but at the moment they asked I’d been enjoying intoxicating beverages for quite some time and my reply sounded more like “Fuck yeah! Let’s go!” than “I should be getting home.” So we walked- nearly across the whole city- to an after hours bar where the staff (of maybe 5 people) and an additional five or six people listened to incredibly loud music, smoked cigarettes and snorted whatever it was they were snorting. The venue seemed like a strip club that had lazy, fully-dressed, coke-snorters in lieu of strippers. The only men that were there were “straight” but kept giving each other looks and then disappearing to the alley behind the bar or the men’s room in pairs. Needless to say I stayed for many hours and remember very little of the experience. Some hours later I awoke at home in my bed, wondering if it had all just been an uninteresting dream, or a boring nightmare brought on by too many reruns of “Weeds” and Queer as Folk… but no.

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