Tag Archives: Christian

Gleefully Overdosing on Heroin

Recently a cast member of Glee overdosed on heroin and died.  People acted like he was a police officer that got killed after saving a baby from a pedophile, maniac, bank-robber, instead of a 30-something who plays a teenager, who is a junkie, and who died from partying too hard while enjoying his millionaire, celebrity lifestyle a bit too much.  Anyone with any sense of perspective could agree that his death is not in the “tragedy” category.  However after making a small post on Facebook about it, a bunch of people I barely know decided to comment on it to shame me for saying that celebrities addicted to heroin deserve their imminent deaths.  What is so controversial about this?  I think that after the Martin/Zimmerman verdict, the Arizona firefighters, and the generally unrest on the other side of the world, this actor’s wild Saturday night is not nearly as newsworthy.  But it was on TV for over a week.  It was on International news for over four days.  It’s obscene.  I’m going to update this post tomorrow when I’m less lazy with some of the better “dark-sense-of-humor-shaming” quotes from my wall.

I have never tried heroine, but if I did, I suspect it would be really, really, good.  People who do it never say that it is the worst feeling ever and try to avoid it a lot after trying it.  On these grounds I am willing to believe that, as a substance, heroine produces feelings of intense euphoria, the likes of which I will never, hopefully, know.  Actual life is actually pretty shitty a lot of the time (if you’re doing it right), and being given the euphoria of an intense narcotic cannot be good for human brains.  Anyone who tries heroine is trying to kill themselves, at least a little.  I bet Jesus did heroine… Nah.  But Lindsay Lohan for sure.  And Amanda Bynes… Maybe.

I have completed my training at the trailer-park-college, and I am now slaving at the trailer-park-law office of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.  My rural town office setting is pretty entertaining for me, they listen to the country music station, they talk about hunting, and the phrase “as useless as tits on a bull” has been uttered.  Did I mention I work in an office with only female coworkers?  Well, I do.  In all honesty, it is the best job I have ever had, and I am only guaranteed to keep it for a month.  After which time they could just say “Thanks for the month of free typing, filing, and general awesomeness”.  The location is perfect for me. I live fifteen minutes from the city, and the office is fifteen minutes further away than me, and it is proudly “Country” out that way.  Everyone has a truck, and an ATV, and a ski-doo for the winter.  If I have to, I will wear cowboy boots and a hat to get hired on full-time.  It’s an ideal small office with few people to answer to, lots of work, and opportunities to learn a lot about law.  More updates on this to come.

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Republicans LOVE Rape Babies

So maybe I’m a little too liberal but I believe that abortions (certainly first and second trimester abortions) should be easier to get than McDonald’s if you want one. This is the year 2012. If I were to discover that there was another human growing inside me this would be completely unacceptable and I would definitely want medical assistance in its removal. Women who want an abortion NEED their abortion. If they’re unsure if they should have kids, they shouldn’t fucking be having any kids. Let people who want kids have kids and let everyone else terminate their pregnancy before anything human-looking develops. I’m incredibly disgusted with the Indiana senator, Richard Mourdock, who recently said that he does not believe abortions should be available to women who have been raped. This immoral belief like nearly all immoral beliefs stems directly from the senator’s religion. Mourdock believes that God has a plan for these rape babies and that women who’ve been raped should be legally required to carry the baby until birth. He later clarified by saying that God does not like rape (luckily Indiana has a senator with a direct line to the creator of the universe) and that rape is evil. Well which is it senator is God having these women raped to produce babies for which God ha a larger master plan? Or is it possible that every little bit of this is complete bullshit made up by men with small intellects and no care for women, their rights or their bodies?

Pro-life people are the most useless sect of our populace, at least psychopaths and serial killers amuse me on the news now and then. These assholes just want to make women with half a brain or more feel bad about their completely reasonable decision to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let my contempt for Indiana’s senator confuse you– rape is just the BEST reason for getting an abortion– upcoming exam week, pre-planned vacations, love of binge-drinking and general disinterest in raising children are also perfectly acceptable reasons.

Conservative MP, Maurice Vellacott, another champion of fact-less Christian idiots, has recently awarded two repeat offender jailbirds the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. The MP and the convicted criminals currently serving time have one very important thing in common, they are all anti-choice advocates and have been brainwashed into thinking some goo inside a woman’s uterus is a person. It is times like this that I truly wish that I could make people drop dead with my mind……. Nope, didn’t work. These ignorant people who so staunchly oppose abortion are nearly always the same hillbillies who opposed gay marriage years ago, who opposed interracial marriage before that and who have always had their pious noses in innocent people’s business. To the anti-choice/ pro-life/ self-righteous losers I say this: Let us fuck who we want, birth when we want and you can go whine about our sins at your church (the only place where people care what strangers do with their own lives). And don’t be giving these wastes of human minds medals of recognition. It will make them think they should continue to profess their ignorant and unwanted opinions and break the law to do it in what they see as the most effective way possible. This all pissed me off too much. No list this time. Okay a little one.

3 Things I LOVE About Abortions:

3. More room on the Highway! *Since 1973 it is estimated that there have been over 1,260,000,000 professionally induced abortions, meaning less traffic. Win! 🙂

2. Fewer Unwanted Children! *The only thing worse than an unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted child.

And the thing I love most about abortions is….

1. My mother didn’t have one. *You see, clearly God planned for me to write this blog post to oppose the anti-choice movement and to inform you that they are border-line retarded and should not be taken seriously.

**It was not easy to find a funny image to go with this post, but here’s what I got when I typed “Hilarious Abortion” into Google**

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Innocent & Virtuous Merchant Targeted by Local Oppressive Prudes

The owner of a local shop, “Intimate Desires” (The tamest lingerie-plus boutique you’ll ever enter) is currently under fire from Sussex, New Brunswick Town Council. The town council ordered her to cease conducting business and that she was in violation of an “adult entertainment” by-law. Keeping in mind the tiny town has no entertainment- adult or otherwise- available and the nearest cinema is at least a half hour away. The store contains no pornography of any kind and is intended as a couples or marital-aid boutique of sorts, selling suburban, super-safe-style versions of light bondage wear and accessories and some lube. Most items you can buy in her store can also be found in any big box store (it’s just typically spread throughout the store- lube in the pharmacy, bondage wear in sports and fitness– you know). The overwhelming majority of her products are lingerie, costumes and the like. WHY is the council of this town afflicted with such biblical prudishness? This is the year 2012 for goodness’ sake! If your 57-year-old mother can’t buy lube and a skin-tight cat suit in her hometown, where in the hell is she supposed to buy it?! Fifty Shades of Grey has created a seriously high demand for rough sex from women between the ages of 19 and 55 and they need props. Props and lube. Props and lube and costumes – and they should be able to get it!

Too much bible reading and too little sex is my professional opinion on the Sussex town council. The official word from council since this story being picked up by the media is: they are having two meetings in the next few days, this matter is not open for discussion, and if it were, it would occur behind closed doors. (! ?) To most Canadians I hope this generated a big “WTF moment”. I have no doubts that council will see major changes come the next election, I suspect that the people of Sussex are less than impressed knowing they may not be free to conduct legitimate business that the council members may not personally agree with.   I can only imagine what they’ll think when I open my first store in my new “Cock-Rings and Dildos” franchise. We also sell hats.

No list. Can’t be bothered.

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The Meaning of Life – PART V – MARITAL WOES AND CHILD MAKING

Far too many people are procreating and all the wrong ones are repeat offenders. At MOST people should be having three kids, four if you have lots of money and you hate peace and quiet. It seems that the only people these days that have more children than that are Mormons or worse. Marriage is another issue and since Gay Marriage is such a hot topic I’ll avoid it for now and focus on something even more detrimental to society: Interracial Marriage. Who can worry about gays and lesbians marrying when out in the public sphere inter-racial marriages re being flaunted and celebrated in clear defiance of the word of the lord and every Texan’s grandparent. Who cares if two women want to marry each other– as long as they’re both same color, that’s what matters most.

The creation of children is a matter of heated debate, especially in the U.S. with the Christian right pressuring education boards across the nation to “teach the controversy” when it comes to conception and birth. “Intelligent Stork Theory” is being offered as a Christian alternative to what they call the “Godless Sex Theory”. Republican candidate Mitt Romney, at a recent speaking engagement for his campaign, stated that he too questioned why his nation’s children were “under sex attack” and that “information deviating from Intelligent Stork Theory should not be acceptable for Christian ears”. Later he vowed that when elected he plans to create a new Federal task force to oversee all states’ implementation of new Christian focused curriculum with an emphasis on the values of the Confederate South and the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola. He later said that he will never increase the size of the national government and will keep “big government out of the lives of Americans”. He ended by saying he was quite thirsty and couldn’t wait to get back into his Ford and drink a Coke.

Obviously I’ve avoided giving any sort of meaning to any of these parts of life but the meaning of this part of life is pretty clear: Not dying alone and having people younger than you to wipe your ass and care for you while you die with your equally useless mate.

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What Unknowable Nonsense

What ever happened to children’s programming that is intended for CHILDREN? It seems that the theme of using your own imagination (during the many hours you wouldn’t be in front of the television) has disappeared from kids’ shows today. Shiningtime Station http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SM8TdvXH6L8, Barney and Freinds and the like.

Believing in things that aren’t real is fun and funny. Kids do it all the time and it is so darn cute– but once they’re grown up it’s called religion and it’s just dumb and hateful.

Three things you should not believe in

  • Gods
  • Magic
  • Anything you’ve been asked to believe in

*fairies, nymphs, and pixies still okay!

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Ubiquitous Ignorance

Imagine what the world would be like if God (the Christian God, let’s say) were really real. So God is really real and he is watching each and every person at every minute of every day. He’s able to do ANYTHING, and as most would say is in control of all things at all times. Why would we have pedophiles? ESPECIALLY as clergymen?! Why would there be human trafficking? Why would any of the truly atrocious things that humans do to one another be tolerated by a God of any kind and be allowed to occur? The answer is not that God works in mysterious ways. If he were real he would be the worst, most sadistic, gruesome fuck that anyone ever thought of.

Why do people want this to be true? Why would anyone ever want to live in this world and believe that some lazy or useless torture-porn-loving sicko is up there watching it all go down and doing nothing? Seems like too many people are concerned with the wrong things. Worrying about homos marrying or Mexicans immigrating into their state.

How is it that so many young Christians have been so perfectly brain-washed that even after they figure out how to use the internet they remain believers? This baffles me. When I see youtube videos from young Christians they are so clearly simple minded people with nothing holding up their beliefs apart from having had them since they were born. It’s sad that so few people have the capacity to see that what they call their “religion” is an obviously man-made (and I do mean “man”-made, as no women were involved except as objects, rape victims and slaves) invention to keep masses of simple minded humans under control.

If the pope lived in a hut and had no worldly possessions I would be far more likely to believe a tiny bit of the Catholics’ bullshit, but since he chills in a City-sized Castle and has more bling than a rapper, I’m out.

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