Tag Archives: comedy

Gleefully Overdosing on Heroin

Recently a cast member of Glee overdosed on heroin and died.  People acted like he was a police officer that got killed after saving a baby from a pedophile, maniac, bank-robber, instead of a 30-something who plays a teenager, who is a junkie, and who died from partying too hard while enjoying his millionaire, celebrity lifestyle a bit too much.  Anyone with any sense of perspective could agree that his death is not in the “tragedy” category.  However after making a small post on Facebook about it, a bunch of people I barely know decided to comment on it to shame me for saying that celebrities addicted to heroin deserve their imminent deaths.  What is so controversial about this?  I think that after the Martin/Zimmerman verdict, the Arizona firefighters, and the generally unrest on the other side of the world, this actor’s wild Saturday night is not nearly as newsworthy.  But it was on TV for over a week.  It was on International news for over four days.  It’s obscene.  I’m going to update this post tomorrow when I’m less lazy with some of the better “dark-sense-of-humor-shaming” quotes from my wall.

I have never tried heroine, but if I did, I suspect it would be really, really, good.  People who do it never say that it is the worst feeling ever and try to avoid it a lot after trying it.  On these grounds I am willing to believe that, as a substance, heroine produces feelings of intense euphoria, the likes of which I will never, hopefully, know.  Actual life is actually pretty shitty a lot of the time (if you’re doing it right), and being given the euphoria of an intense narcotic cannot be good for human brains.  Anyone who tries heroine is trying to kill themselves, at least a little.  I bet Jesus did heroine… Nah.  But Lindsay Lohan for sure.  And Amanda Bynes… Maybe.

I have completed my training at the trailer-park-college, and I am now slaving at the trailer-park-law office of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.  My rural town office setting is pretty entertaining for me, they listen to the country music station, they talk about hunting, and the phrase “as useless as tits on a bull” has been uttered.  Did I mention I work in an office with only female coworkers?  Well, I do.  In all honesty, it is the best job I have ever had, and I am only guaranteed to keep it for a month.  After which time they could just say “Thanks for the month of free typing, filing, and general awesomeness”.  The location is perfect for me. I live fifteen minutes from the city, and the office is fifteen minutes further away than me, and it is proudly “Country” out that way.  Everyone has a truck, and an ATV, and a ski-doo for the winter.  If I have to, I will wear cowboy boots and a hat to get hired on full-time.  It’s an ideal small office with few people to answer to, lots of work, and opportunities to learn a lot about law.  More updates on this to come.

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Bored Police vs. Victim-less Crime

From “My Town” Regional Police Force’s FB page:
DRUG SEIZURE
As a result of a drug investigation, on April 3rd, 2013 members of the [“MTRPF”] arrested a 39 year-old male in “My Town” for having approximately 800g of marijuana and a small amount of hash oil for the purposes of trafficking. Also seized was approximately $4700 in cash. This individual will appear in court on May 23rd, 2013.

rrpf

 

I have so many problems with this, but what comes to mind is how senseless it is for marijuana to be illegal in the first place.  Police should be trying to stop and deter violence against children and women, pedophilia, trafficking hard drugs, littering, unpaid fines…  Stopping ANYTHING that causes any harm to anyone would certainly be a better use of the police’s time and money.  I’d feel much better if I thought they were keeping crack, meth, or heroine off my streets.  I wonder how much taxpayers will spend on arresting, prosecuting, incarcerating, and “rehabilitating” the individual they caught.  Seems like a waste to me.  Canada should have already legalized it and be taxing the hell out of it by now.  How much longer will we keep throwing money away and letting a black market (filled with worse crime than getting high) run this billion-dollar show, and keep all their profits tax-free?

 

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Abortion Distortion

Yesterday I took it upon myself to comment on a facebook page dedicated to the end of abortion that had tricked me into visiting by promoting a cause called “downs syndrome day” with yesterday’s date. I’m not active but I am an intelligent well-rounded person, and I think people should support awareness of Downs Syndrome, at the very least. It is something that people have and that causes many health and social problems for those people and their families. Then I was on some gross, not-specifically christian page that had a horrendous name: We can End Abortion. What a disturbing and irresponsible idea! I can’t imagine for the life of me why anyone would want this to be a reality. There are lots of reasons why women get abortions and what a lot of people forget is that it is a totally necessary procedure that has to be done sometimes. So, I couldn’t help myself:

Disgusting. Only the smallest and most myopic minds could bring people to join this group. Abortions are an entirely necessary medical procedure. I’m sure there are no reputable doctors, physicians or nurses that support this disturbing cause. Rape, incest, being unable or unwilling to have the child, and severe birth defects are all perfectly legitimate reasons for abortion… Wanting to end abortion means wanting more unwanted and unloved children in this world… It’s disgusting. I really wish more people were willing to think about issues like this before taking the easiest and most comforting position. PS- Gods aren’t real. Even if they were, their unintelligent laws don’t apply here in the real world.

Of course, this unearthed the most incredibly ignorant, illogical and irrational “arguments” that I have ever read. Throughout the conversation in the comments, I was accused of “loving to kill babies”, of holding opinions I have and would never express, and of saying things that I, and no one, I don’t think, had said ever. It was like arguing with a right-wing idiot about anything: No facts, misinformation, and a willful disregard for a human being’s right to determine what they do with their own body Here are some of the highlights from the We Can End Abortion facebook scholars:

These are 100% real and although a couple have been edited by cutting off the very beginning or very ending for readability, I promise I have not characterized or misrepresented anyone’s statements. These people really think this way.

  • “fighting for women’s rights makes us hate mongers, but whatever”… No comments used the word hate until this one. There’s a lot of these kinds of statements, I just thought this one was hilarious because these anti-choice morons think they’re helping women’s rights.
  • “They are not an entirely necessary medical procedure. In fact, in about 95% of abortion cases, it is used as a form of birth control. There are also many cases where women are forever barren or even face death after a botched abortion. Just google “doctors against abortion” or “physicians” or “nurses” or whatever. I’m not going to waste my time posting links. If you actually feel this way about this cause, you are not here to get educated, but to remain ignorant, so you wouldn’t click on the links, anyway.” This was after I stated the obvious fact that NO reputable medical professional would ever advocate for the elimination of an entirely necessary medical procedure. I can also google “reputable creation-scientists”, it doesn’t mean they’re reputable. It just means they exist.
  •  “person doesn’t NEED to have sex. People CHOOSE to have sex. Sex is intended to reproduce. Don’t have sex. There are other way to “get off”. Having sex is not the only answer for “those feelings”… This world is so corrupt and twisted, it’s sickening really.” Also completely unedited. Comments like this really let you see into the empty minds of the anti-choice people.
  • “Termination of pregnancy that could potentially KILL the mother, is justified… Aborting a baby because your to lazy to carry it and give it up is not justified.” This isn’t an excerpt. This is the full unedited comment. Aren’t you sick and tired of all of these lazy women having their rape-babies aborted?! Me too.
  • “Sure keep telling yourself that abortion is great, while many women are dying, getting injured and regretting their abortions at this moment.” As if anyone anywhere thinks abortion is “great”. 
  • “Except that the Hippocratic Oath condemns abortion and most physicians too. Some people mediocrity in here speaks by itself.” This is the whole original post, the only one from this user.
  •  “[name omitted]- no because I mean we should kill all the unwanted and unloved people of this world instead.” This one is a little harder to get, but she’s paraphrasing me, or least what her Jesus-rattled mind interpreted it as anyway. 

I can’t bring myself to click “unfollow”, because they just keep adding dumber and crazier things to it. If anything particularly funny comes up in the next few hours, I will add it here. Now I’m going to retire to the RoyMinor cave to find my next epic battle between good and dumbassery.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, – RoyMinor!

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woes of a business college student

Today I wrote an exam at my “No-Frills” community college. Not the good one, the other one– In the mall between the liquor store and the bong shop ( amazingly accurate and not a comedic exaggeration)– The one with no books in it. Yes, that one. Anyway, this is a facebook status update I couldn’t bring myself to post because it was too whiny, and made me sound like a giant nerd. I’m a closet-nerd, but my close friends and family know. And you know. Here it is:

Exam today. My problems with it:
1.College employees who are creating tests are unaware of, or do not care about, the definitions of the following terms: skills, tips, steps, items, elements, procedures, suggestions, examples or characteristics. These terms are used interchangeably and inconsistently throughout the tests, the textbook is very clear on which is which- the test maker could have easily checked this- I did.
2. It includes multiple choice questions that are supposed to have only one answer, and that will only accept one correct answer, but that contain two (and sometimes three) other, completely appropriate responses that are also found in the textbook pertaining to exactly the situation found on the test.
3. Some of the answers to be studied were just incorrect (Not just out-dated, as there were a couple of those, too). It’s wrong in the textbook and in the tests, and is used consistently, so you must remember the incorrect textbook answer rather than the real world, actual, answer to the question you’re reading. Very frustrating stuff. Especially when you’re the kind of person who is capable of using Google to confirm your suspicions of idiocy and lazy test-making.
I still did awesome on the exam, I’m sure, but these kinds of errors and oversights are not indicative of attention to detail or high academic standards, IMO.

So that was it. Kind of lengthy for a status update, so I’m glad I could put it here and not waste the time I spent typing it out.

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Facebook Weed Rebuttal

I posted this innocuous public service announcement on my wall and was met with disbelief. Enjoy:

weedwar
Uninformed Comment:
This is bull!
My Reply:
HOW is this bull?? Saying it has medicinal qualities is debatable, I’ll admit, but this is about comparative harm. The only way marijuana could kill you is if you get into a car after using it (driving with any impairment is its own problem) or do something equally unsafe. The active ingredient (THC, that gets one high) is just not strong enough, on its own, to kill a person whether it is smoked or eaten. Deaths from alcohol poisoning happen everywhere on Earth, every day, and everyone knows what smoking cigarettes does to the body and how often people die from that. The current government sanctioned drugs (Alcohol and Nicotine) are FAR more harmful to society and to the individuals using them than Marijuana is. Nicotine and Alcohol are also scientifically proven to be harder habits to quit, physically and psychologically. IMO the prohibition of marijuana is a long outdated, and racist, law. Everyone (except the for-profit prison system) would benefit from government legalization, regulation, and taxation, which would severely reduce the black-market profits supporting crime, abuse and terrorism. I really don’t think it’s bull. I think it’s my generation’s responsibility to end this prohibition, to rake back money from criminals, and to free people to do as they choose without fear of being jailed for a victim-less crime. I’m just looking for some common sense in our laws, either tobacco and alcohol should be every bit as illegal as marijuana, or they should legalize marijuana. This was a belated and wordy reply to a three word comment, sorry, I’m very passionate about this topic, clearly.

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Hillbilly vs. February

BenderI'mBack

It has been awhile… again… and so I feel the need to type things to no one that are about nothing! I have a lot going on right now and haven’t been paying any attention to my blog lately. It isn’t that I didn’t have the time, or was travelling, or was up to anything newsworthy in any way. I still had plenty of time to facebook about cats and things they might say in broken English, watch everything on Netflix– except for anything worth watching, and work on my shrines to Oprah and Mel Gibson; I just didn’t feel like doing the blog thing, really.

What have I been up to? I have been at a very “no-frills” kind of college for about six months now and I guess it’s going alright. Because most of the other students are recovering meth addicts and various other adult, trailer-dwellers, my marks are sky-high! I just finished a month-long module on proof-reading, editing, and business communications that was the first and only module so far that wasn’t completely -I’M SORRY- retarded. The instructors seem to be whoever showed up the week they were hiring (what I must imagine to be) minimum-wage-earning instructors. The student lounge is far less appealing than our jail’s cafeteria’s, which I’ve seen in the paper and was jealous of. Location? Strip Mall. Neighboring Venues? Liquor Store, Bong Shop, Dollar Store. To keep things on a positive note, the instructor we had over the past month was AMAZING. Truly, a diamond in the rough. She was like an elderly Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, but with no black people.

SPEAKING OF BLACK PEOPLE. February was black history month for some reason and I take this as a direct threat to racism everywhere! How is a poor, working, hillbilly in West Virginia supposed to make sure his kids are as racist as he is when they’ve got black people in your face for 28 straight days?! It is enough to make some want to load their shotguns– that  they bought with the freedom of the second amendment, with no background checks, and $200,  from the tailgate of a shifty yokel’s pickup– and take their country back!

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Comedy Dump

Between posts I will sometimes make little notes to remember ideas for future posts, usually I just forget about them and start fresh… This post is made of some of these snippets that have accumulated on my desktop since I last made a post.

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My homo- hookup app, Grindr, advised me at 1:32am Atlantic Time on Nov 1st, 2012 that Serbia’s gay pride parade has been deemed illegal (im assuming by the government there. I don’t know anything about Serbia, I’m pretty good with global geography, usually, but still… no idea. I chose to “learn more by clicking ‘More’”, because I enjoy learning new things and because no one had offered me a rim-job yet, but my beloved oral-sex app crashed when it tried to open the link. I guess I’ll never know.

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~Sometimes I’ll just be sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer and then I’ll blink and I realize there’s actually no TV and I’m just sitting in a room full of my relatives.~

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ROY MINOR’S CHECK-LIST

Jews- check, Republicans- check, Christians- check and check, Fatties- check, Mormons- check, Gays- check… Time to come up with some good ‘Cripples’ material.

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“I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.”

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I need a catch-phrase.

Actually, I just wish people would use my name as a verb:

  • “I’ve been Roy Minoring all day. Time to get some work done.”
  • “You’ve just been Roy Minorized”
  • “Oh man, I just Roy Minor’d all over that girl’s face.”
  • Take it to mean what you want- it just amused me.

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Why hasn’t anyone at one of those gay-curing, bullshit places ever tried this: “Just find the right girl”. I do NOT advocate gay-reversal therapy or whatever you want to call that brainwashing technique, nor do I think it EVER works in the way they say and believe it does. If you ask me (and no one has) the only way anything like this could ever work would be if it involved having men who genuinely do not want to be gay being trained into sex with women, lots of women and by challenging them to have sex with as many women as possible in a Biggest Loser or Amazing Race -style competition. Results and eliminations of re-gayed contestants would take place each week and digital photographic proof would be required and later submitted to tie-in website gaydixinchix.com.

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ANN COULTER VS. THE WORD POLICE

Run, bitch! Ruuuun! Ann Coulter’s care-free tweeting of the word “retard” in reference to President Obama has landed her in serious trouble with the word police. I would have thought it would be alright for her to say since I hear black rappers saying “nigger” all the time. And how is it that I keep hearing that “n-word”? I was sure Jesse Jackson hosted a funeral for it years ago. I’m not sure how it died at the time, but gang violence is a safe bet.

*Ann’s also against the nineteenth amendment* <This isn’t really connected (other than supporting my “retards can say ‘retard’ theory”), but it’s damn funny on its own.

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On YouTube

I have just (regrettably) watched 9 minutes of ‘E!’s Nicki Minaj: My Truth’ that I can never have back. It’s time to step away from this computer and try not to let her mar my progressive views of women, people of colour, pop stars and rappers.

^This was originally a facebook status update, but I couldn’t bring myself to expose this kind of embarrassing, personal information online.

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*Hey, I have to make a quick, local phone call without it fucking up… if only my iPhone had an app for that.*

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That’s all folks!

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The Fat …or Holoween

I have absolutely no faith, but I do maintain a who-gives-a-fuck attitude and it seems to work in much the same way.  -Roy Minor

Tonight is Halloween. A night that we men have somehow transformed into sexual-fantasy-role-play-night. No one can say exactly how or when it started but I don’t think it was politically motivated feminists asserting their liberation and independence. Somewhere between doing the Monster Mash and shuffling around to Thriller, Halloween became a night when otherwise upstanding, well-dressed and demure young women parade around like naughty policewomen, naughty nurses and (my favorite) naughty nuns. The word “naughty” here can and should be replaced with “slutty”. Don’t get me wrong! It’s great — I love it. I truly wish every day was like Halloween. Everyone dresses like a slut or a mentally retarded person or a zombie (all VERY entertaining characters). I myself don’t dress up usually however today I did wear my leather jacket boots and belt and bought 1$ worth of fake piercings. Let’s call a spade a spade and all admit that Halloween costume parties and social gatherings are totally geared against fat people. They might make slutty school-girl costumes that are XXL but you never see this being worn. What you do see, however is the sad fat ghost, the lonely fat witch, and, the classic, fat pumpkin. Anything that covers head-to-toe, really. And all this on a night that is supposed to be dedicated to candy and sweets!

Fact: Some people are just genetically inclined to look better in black and solid colors and are determined in the womb to be a “large” person. These people are not up for discussion. You know them when you see them and they don’t register as “fat”. Big, large, stocky, solid– whatever. The other people are who I am talking about. The fat. These people need to be identified, discussed and dealt with. You know them; They live in our towns, eat in our restaurants, shop at our grocery stores and then they eat at our restaurants again. They’re growing in numbers, weight and apathy. They, the fat, have some or all of the qualities listed below and they can be cured of their unattractive and jiggly disorder!

Who’s “Fat”?:            (totally makes me think of that Weird Al Michael Jackson Parody)

  • Has never exerted physical energy for anything that didn’t taste good.
  • Eats more food than is provided by any North American fast food establishment  in a single combo- Every time.
  • Gets winded walking up stairs– or while carrying too many cakes.
  • Walks only because a Hover-round has not yet been purchased. Has visited website more than once.
  • Asks “Are you going to finish that?” more than twice each day.
  • Finds food in bed- and bathroom- and car- and self -at all times.
  • Credit Card Statement easily mistaken for Restaurant Yellow Pages.

**These people need to be found, rounded up, deprived of fast food and forced to exercise until feeling good about themselves is appropriate.**

Let’s have a fat-holocaust. No killing- we’ll just get rid of the fat. It’s way easier to spot a Fat than a Jew so we can get it done way faster than Hitler did- and we won’t get bogged down with all the upkeep and maintenance that genocide requires. We’ll be a society of regular, human-sized people again, wouldn’t that be great? North America (with white European countries closely behind) is getting so fat so fast that we may sink the continents before Global Warming can flood the Earth. This is a global problem, people. We have to get these Tubby  citizens on a fucking bow-flex before we’re all swimming around like fools!

I know, you say: “But, Roy Minor, you’re not fat, yourself. How can you possibly judge these gentle giants without knowing their sorrows?” Well, even though I may only weigh 130 pounds, soaking wet and holding a chicken, and even though I have dashing good looks and a very high metabolism that lets me eat anything and everything I want- I am still humble and I want you all to know that I do take the feelings of these unfortunately-sized souls into serious consideration. I realize that it is not so easy for some fat-fucks out there. And so I’ve devised a great plan for going from “fuck that” to “fuckable”. It’s easy, it’s memorable, and it works:

  1. Exercise ‘Till You’re Sore
  2. Don’t Eat ANYTHING That Tastes Good
  3. STOP Wearing Capes, Ponchos, and Giant Scarves- You just look like a big, fat chick wearing a blanket with a hole in it- stop that.

I’m aware that some of you… how shall I say… gargantuan… readers will be offended by what I’ve written. That’s all. I just wanted you to know that I already know, so you don’t have to post a comment saying how offended you are. Although, it would be nice for me to know that SOMEONE is reading this shit- even if it is just some gigantic tub-of-lard blogger. So go ahead, Chunky, do the truffle-shuffle and give me hell! The Jews were silent, the Asians said nothing, the Christians remain unspoken for, hopefully some loud, fat, idiot will attempt to shame me online for being so rude to the gelatinous masses.

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Republicans LOVE Rape Babies

So maybe I’m a little too liberal but I believe that abortions (certainly first and second trimester abortions) should be easier to get than McDonald’s if you want one. This is the year 2012. If I were to discover that there was another human growing inside me this would be completely unacceptable and I would definitely want medical assistance in its removal. Women who want an abortion NEED their abortion. If they’re unsure if they should have kids, they shouldn’t fucking be having any kids. Let people who want kids have kids and let everyone else terminate their pregnancy before anything human-looking develops. I’m incredibly disgusted with the Indiana senator, Richard Mourdock, who recently said that he does not believe abortions should be available to women who have been raped. This immoral belief like nearly all immoral beliefs stems directly from the senator’s religion. Mourdock believes that God has a plan for these rape babies and that women who’ve been raped should be legally required to carry the baby until birth. He later clarified by saying that God does not like rape (luckily Indiana has a senator with a direct line to the creator of the universe) and that rape is evil. Well which is it senator is God having these women raped to produce babies for which God ha a larger master plan? Or is it possible that every little bit of this is complete bullshit made up by men with small intellects and no care for women, their rights or their bodies?

Pro-life people are the most useless sect of our populace, at least psychopaths and serial killers amuse me on the news now and then. These assholes just want to make women with half a brain or more feel bad about their completely reasonable decision to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let my contempt for Indiana’s senator confuse you– rape is just the BEST reason for getting an abortion– upcoming exam week, pre-planned vacations, love of binge-drinking and general disinterest in raising children are also perfectly acceptable reasons.

Conservative MP, Maurice Vellacott, another champion of fact-less Christian idiots, has recently awarded two repeat offender jailbirds the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. The MP and the convicted criminals currently serving time have one very important thing in common, they are all anti-choice advocates and have been brainwashed into thinking some goo inside a woman’s uterus is a person. It is times like this that I truly wish that I could make people drop dead with my mind……. Nope, didn’t work. These ignorant people who so staunchly oppose abortion are nearly always the same hillbillies who opposed gay marriage years ago, who opposed interracial marriage before that and who have always had their pious noses in innocent people’s business. To the anti-choice/ pro-life/ self-righteous losers I say this: Let us fuck who we want, birth when we want and you can go whine about our sins at your church (the only place where people care what strangers do with their own lives). And don’t be giving these wastes of human minds medals of recognition. It will make them think they should continue to profess their ignorant and unwanted opinions and break the law to do it in what they see as the most effective way possible. This all pissed me off too much. No list this time. Okay a little one.

3 Things I LOVE About Abortions:

3. More room on the Highway! *Since 1973 it is estimated that there have been over 1,260,000,000 professionally induced abortions, meaning less traffic. Win! 🙂

2. Fewer Unwanted Children! *The only thing worse than an unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted child.

And the thing I love most about abortions is….

1. My mother didn’t have one. *You see, clearly God planned for me to write this blog post to oppose the anti-choice movement and to inform you that they are border-line retarded and should not be taken seriously.

**It was not easy to find a funny image to go with this post, but here’s what I got when I typed “Hilarious Abortion” into Google**

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Masterdebators, MDNA and Muslims

The first gaffe of the third presidential debate happened shortly after Mitt Romney seated himself at the table and $250, 000.00 accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the stage. While assisting the former Massachusetts Governor in picking up his fallen rubies and emeralds, President Barack Obama made the night’s second gaffe when he was spotted pocketing one of the nicer fist-sized diamonds.

Let’s face it, Obama must win this election lest the American people be saddled with a Mormon, millionaire President who will say whatever he has to win and will do whatever big business tells him to do. Please vote for Obama you obese, unemployed Americans! PLEASE!

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In other news, Madonna continues her North American tour, her latest stop was in Dallas and tonight she’s in Houston, Texas. If you’ve ever wanted to see a cinqo-genarian get half-naked and rub her dried-up lady-parts the MDNA tour (NOT a reference to Mitochondrial DNA– Nerds!) may just be for you. Of course the diva will also thrill the crowd by grinding against 20-something drug addict look-a-likes and there will reportedly also be some singing. After 43 No. 1 songs and 12 studio albums you’ll want to see Madonna live now– while she still is under the impression that she’s relevant.

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And another thing: How can we get Muslim women to stop dressing themselves in those oppressive, odd, and repellent bee-keeper suits?! I know that they say that this is about freedom of choice and freedom to dress oneself how they choose, but the truth of the matter is that they have made a serious virtue in their culture out of wearing this costume that only serves to make women invisible (until they need to be raped or stoned to death for being raped of course) and strip them of any individual identity that is not solely made-up of who she has married. If Islam’s garb of choice was more dramatic or revealing or bedazzled, I might be able to get on board with it… but any idea of a universally adopted dress-code (even if it’s only for the women) makes the scene instantly appear to be either very futuristic, very stone-aged (as in this case), or science-fiction-y(also a strong possibility). When I walk into a food court with more than 3 or 4 tables near me full of girls who are all wearing those things I feel very much like I’m at the cantina from Star Wars. When it all comes down to it dressing all women in ugly cloaks showing only their eyes is too strange for a non-Halloween event. JUDGEMENT: No more bee-keepers or Muslim hijab/burqa combinations! Let my edict ring throughout our nation! Take it off!

Muhammad in Drag

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