Tag Archives: Drugs

Gleefully Overdosing on Heroin

Recently a cast member of Glee overdosed on heroin and died.  People acted like he was a police officer that got killed after saving a baby from a pedophile, maniac, bank-robber, instead of a 30-something who plays a teenager, who is a junkie, and who died from partying too hard while enjoying his millionaire, celebrity lifestyle a bit too much.  Anyone with any sense of perspective could agree that his death is not in the “tragedy” category.  However after making a small post on Facebook about it, a bunch of people I barely know decided to comment on it to shame me for saying that celebrities addicted to heroin deserve their imminent deaths.  What is so controversial about this?  I think that after the Martin/Zimmerman verdict, the Arizona firefighters, and the generally unrest on the other side of the world, this actor’s wild Saturday night is not nearly as newsworthy.  But it was on TV for over a week.  It was on International news for over four days.  It’s obscene.  I’m going to update this post tomorrow when I’m less lazy with some of the better “dark-sense-of-humor-shaming” quotes from my wall.

I have never tried heroine, but if I did, I suspect it would be really, really, good.  People who do it never say that it is the worst feeling ever and try to avoid it a lot after trying it.  On these grounds I am willing to believe that, as a substance, heroine produces feelings of intense euphoria, the likes of which I will never, hopefully, know.  Actual life is actually pretty shitty a lot of the time (if you’re doing it right), and being given the euphoria of an intense narcotic cannot be good for human brains.  Anyone who tries heroine is trying to kill themselves, at least a little.  I bet Jesus did heroine… Nah.  But Lindsay Lohan for sure.  And Amanda Bynes… Maybe.

I have completed my training at the trailer-park-college, and I am now slaving at the trailer-park-law office of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.  My rural town office setting is pretty entertaining for me, they listen to the country music station, they talk about hunting, and the phrase “as useless as tits on a bull” has been uttered.  Did I mention I work in an office with only female coworkers?  Well, I do.  In all honesty, it is the best job I have ever had, and I am only guaranteed to keep it for a month.  After which time they could just say “Thanks for the month of free typing, filing, and general awesomeness”.  The location is perfect for me. I live fifteen minutes from the city, and the office is fifteen minutes further away than me, and it is proudly “Country” out that way.  Everyone has a truck, and an ATV, and a ski-doo for the winter.  If I have to, I will wear cowboy boots and a hat to get hired on full-time.  It’s an ideal small office with few people to answer to, lots of work, and opportunities to learn a lot about law.  More updates on this to come.

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Bored Police vs. Victim-less Crime

From “My Town” Regional Police Force’s FB page:
DRUG SEIZURE
As a result of a drug investigation, on April 3rd, 2013 members of the [“MTRPF”] arrested a 39 year-old male in “My Town” for having approximately 800g of marijuana and a small amount of hash oil for the purposes of trafficking. Also seized was approximately $4700 in cash. This individual will appear in court on May 23rd, 2013.

rrpf

 

I have so many problems with this, but what comes to mind is how senseless it is for marijuana to be illegal in the first place.  Police should be trying to stop and deter violence against children and women, pedophilia, trafficking hard drugs, littering, unpaid fines…  Stopping ANYTHING that causes any harm to anyone would certainly be a better use of the police’s time and money.  I’d feel much better if I thought they were keeping crack, meth, or heroine off my streets.  I wonder how much taxpayers will spend on arresting, prosecuting, incarcerating, and “rehabilitating” the individual they caught.  Seems like a waste to me.  Canada should have already legalized it and be taxing the hell out of it by now.  How much longer will we keep throwing money away and letting a black market (filled with worse crime than getting high) run this billion-dollar show, and keep all their profits tax-free?

 

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woes of a business college student

Today I wrote an exam at my “No-Frills” community college. Not the good one, the other one– In the mall between the liquor store and the bong shop ( amazingly accurate and not a comedic exaggeration)– The one with no books in it. Yes, that one. Anyway, this is a facebook status update I couldn’t bring myself to post because it was too whiny, and made me sound like a giant nerd. I’m a closet-nerd, but my close friends and family know. And you know. Here it is:

Exam today. My problems with it:
1.College employees who are creating tests are unaware of, or do not care about, the definitions of the following terms: skills, tips, steps, items, elements, procedures, suggestions, examples or characteristics. These terms are used interchangeably and inconsistently throughout the tests, the textbook is very clear on which is which- the test maker could have easily checked this- I did.
2. It includes multiple choice questions that are supposed to have only one answer, and that will only accept one correct answer, but that contain two (and sometimes three) other, completely appropriate responses that are also found in the textbook pertaining to exactly the situation found on the test.
3. Some of the answers to be studied were just incorrect (Not just out-dated, as there were a couple of those, too). It’s wrong in the textbook and in the tests, and is used consistently, so you must remember the incorrect textbook answer rather than the real world, actual, answer to the question you’re reading. Very frustrating stuff. Especially when you’re the kind of person who is capable of using Google to confirm your suspicions of idiocy and lazy test-making.
I still did awesome on the exam, I’m sure, but these kinds of errors and oversights are not indicative of attention to detail or high academic standards, IMO.

So that was it. Kind of lengthy for a status update, so I’m glad I could put it here and not waste the time I spent typing it out.

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Facebook Weed Rebuttal

I posted this innocuous public service announcement on my wall and was met with disbelief. Enjoy:

weedwar
Uninformed Comment:
This is bull!
My Reply:
HOW is this bull?? Saying it has medicinal qualities is debatable, I’ll admit, but this is about comparative harm. The only way marijuana could kill you is if you get into a car after using it (driving with any impairment is its own problem) or do something equally unsafe. The active ingredient (THC, that gets one high) is just not strong enough, on its own, to kill a person whether it is smoked or eaten. Deaths from alcohol poisoning happen everywhere on Earth, every day, and everyone knows what smoking cigarettes does to the body and how often people die from that. The current government sanctioned drugs (Alcohol and Nicotine) are FAR more harmful to society and to the individuals using them than Marijuana is. Nicotine and Alcohol are also scientifically proven to be harder habits to quit, physically and psychologically. IMO the prohibition of marijuana is a long outdated, and racist, law. Everyone (except the for-profit prison system) would benefit from government legalization, regulation, and taxation, which would severely reduce the black-market profits supporting crime, abuse and terrorism. I really don’t think it’s bull. I think it’s my generation’s responsibility to end this prohibition, to rake back money from criminals, and to free people to do as they choose without fear of being jailed for a victim-less crime. I’m just looking for some common sense in our laws, either tobacco and alcohol should be every bit as illegal as marijuana, or they should legalize marijuana. This was a belated and wordy reply to a three word comment, sorry, I’m very passionate about this topic, clearly.

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Republicans LOVE Rape Babies

So maybe I’m a little too liberal but I believe that abortions (certainly first and second trimester abortions) should be easier to get than McDonald’s if you want one. This is the year 2012. If I were to discover that there was another human growing inside me this would be completely unacceptable and I would definitely want medical assistance in its removal. Women who want an abortion NEED their abortion. If they’re unsure if they should have kids, they shouldn’t fucking be having any kids. Let people who want kids have kids and let everyone else terminate their pregnancy before anything human-looking develops. I’m incredibly disgusted with the Indiana senator, Richard Mourdock, who recently said that he does not believe abortions should be available to women who have been raped. This immoral belief like nearly all immoral beliefs stems directly from the senator’s religion. Mourdock believes that God has a plan for these rape babies and that women who’ve been raped should be legally required to carry the baby until birth. He later clarified by saying that God does not like rape (luckily Indiana has a senator with a direct line to the creator of the universe) and that rape is evil. Well which is it senator is God having these women raped to produce babies for which God ha a larger master plan? Or is it possible that every little bit of this is complete bullshit made up by men with small intellects and no care for women, their rights or their bodies?

Pro-life people are the most useless sect of our populace, at least psychopaths and serial killers amuse me on the news now and then. These assholes just want to make women with half a brain or more feel bad about their completely reasonable decision to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let my contempt for Indiana’s senator confuse you– rape is just the BEST reason for getting an abortion– upcoming exam week, pre-planned vacations, love of binge-drinking and general disinterest in raising children are also perfectly acceptable reasons.

Conservative MP, Maurice Vellacott, another champion of fact-less Christian idiots, has recently awarded two repeat offender jailbirds the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. The MP and the convicted criminals currently serving time have one very important thing in common, they are all anti-choice advocates and have been brainwashed into thinking some goo inside a woman’s uterus is a person. It is times like this that I truly wish that I could make people drop dead with my mind……. Nope, didn’t work. These ignorant people who so staunchly oppose abortion are nearly always the same hillbillies who opposed gay marriage years ago, who opposed interracial marriage before that and who have always had their pious noses in innocent people’s business. To the anti-choice/ pro-life/ self-righteous losers I say this: Let us fuck who we want, birth when we want and you can go whine about our sins at your church (the only place where people care what strangers do with their own lives). And don’t be giving these wastes of human minds medals of recognition. It will make them think they should continue to profess their ignorant and unwanted opinions and break the law to do it in what they see as the most effective way possible. This all pissed me off too much. No list this time. Okay a little one.

3 Things I LOVE About Abortions:

3. More room on the Highway! *Since 1973 it is estimated that there have been over 1,260,000,000 professionally induced abortions, meaning less traffic. Win! 🙂

2. Fewer Unwanted Children! *The only thing worse than an unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted child.

And the thing I love most about abortions is….

1. My mother didn’t have one. *You see, clearly God planned for me to write this blog post to oppose the anti-choice movement and to inform you that they are border-line retarded and should not be taken seriously.

**It was not easy to find a funny image to go with this post, but here’s what I got when I typed “Hilarious Abortion” into Google**

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Bathrooms and Voting Booths

President Obama went on Letterman to get the vote of any ignorant hillbilly with a television, P!nk’s album dropped and nobody cared, Lindsay Lohan ran over ANOTHER pedestrian- and laughed,  and Apple starts taking orders for the new, gayer iPhone… It has been an incredibly busy week. Apart from all that excitement, Showtime’s Weeds has aired its final episode and CBS’s Big Brother (a reality show that showcases sluts and douche-bags– No, not Jersey Shore) aired the finale for their fourteenth season on Wednesday.

The upcoming US election will be (as always) the most important election in recent history. The American people could be saddled with a soft-handed, corporate slime-ball who has been filthy rich from birth and who believes in magical underwear. He also belongs to the ‘religion’ that teaches that American Indians’ skin is colored by a curse from an almighty God who currently is a flesh-and-blood deity living on a planet called Kolab– a planet where all men have many wives and women have an eternity of servitude and rapings, presumably. Of course this is only a worst-case scenario. Should President Obama win the election I’m sure that change we can all believe in will happen at the stroke of midnight after his inauguration; when Jay-Z beats will drown out the cries of anguished conservatives and the streets will flow with sizzurp and gin and juice and we can all get funky again.

To address the title “Bathrooms and Voting Booths”, I’m sure there’s a great joke there- I just can’t get to it. Something to do with taking a shit, I’m sure.

I get out a fair bit when I’m not writing this insightful and incredibly well-written blog and I sometimes work at a nightclub cleaning and doing general bus-boy type-stuff (I normally wouldn’t be into this kind of work but I know the owner and he has a hard time finding reliable people who won’t snort anything during their shift or fuck anyone who would let them do it in the supplies closet.). So I have some amusing accounts of my people-watching, listening and recordings. That being said, I present to you tonight my list of intelligent and witty remarks I’ve heard from the fairer sex while cleaning the (much cleaner and quieter) men’s room or gather supplies from the closet the bartender fucks cougars in.

SHiT I’VE HEARD FROM THE NIGHTCLUB LADIES’ ROOM:

  • “If I don’t take that hit of acid soon I’m gonna be practically sober.” (This quote to be read in a loud, slurring voice while holding the door of the ladies’ room open with one hand and clutching an unlit cigarette in the other.)
  • “Fifteen minutes?”  “Yeah, and then he was just done.”  “Did you say anything to him about it?”  “No, it’s weird because I still want him to think I was a virgin so I just acted like it was normal.”
  • (A rotund young woman exits) “If I ever get fat like that I want you to fucking kill me.”  “Me too, do you think she wants us to kill her? ‘Cuz she’s so fat- she must just want everyone to kill her.”
  • “I wanna see how I’d look in this top with a different bra- Can you hold my tits together, Ashley?”
  • “I’ve never had this much fun, I can’t remember the last time all of us were together!”  “It was when Stephanie took all those pills that time.” “I miss her.”
  • “Do you still have that bottle of water?”  “I drank it.”  “Oh, that’s okay” (She leaves) “That ugly bitch drank all my fucking water.”
  • “I wish I would look that good after three kids” “Bitch, what the fuck did you say about my kids?! You better not be talking shit about me havin’ babies, you fucking whore.”
  • “Gross.”  “What is it, Amber?”  “Aww, I got shit all on my sister’s purse and it won’t come out.”  “Just throw it away, it only has her stuff in it.” (Funny, yes, but it turned out to be actual human shit on the purse- and from what female staff could guess she’d used our sink ‘s faucet, the paper towel dispenser and the edge of  the bathroom counter to get it off- it was smeared everywhere.)

And my favorite…

  • “Fuck you, you fucking cunt, if you don’t hurry the fuck up Imma shit on your face.”

Keepin’ it classy for the ladies.

For those of you who are disappointed because you’d subscribed for the love of my racist and culturally insensitive humor and not my women-bashing and cursing- fear not- I’ll soon mock people of every color, eye-shape and hilarious accent.

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ROYMINOR v.2.0

Obviously I have been away from my blog for far too long; travel, summer with the kids, Pride week events, burying bodies, orgies, beginning school and gay chicken have taken up too much of my time lately. Hopefully these experiences can somehow be channeled into the art of “blogedy” (It’s like blog and com… never mind.) Here we go.

6 Things We All Know About The Girl Who Snorts Coke At Any Party:

  1. No panties.
  2. Purse contains less than $50 in cash and more than $50 in lip-gloss.
  3. Needs a place to stay.
  4. Needs a ride to that place.
  5. Will kiss a girl, and like it– for coke.
  6. Will suck your dick– again, for coke.

Recently, at a house-party after the bar I was approached by two shifty but attractive guys who asked if I was prepared to party. Normally I would decline such an offer, choosing to say I had eaten too many cheez-its or that my footwear or hairdo was inappropriate for partying– but at the moment they asked I’d been enjoying intoxicating beverages for quite some time and my reply sounded more like “Fuck yeah! Let’s go!” than “I should be getting home.” So we walked- nearly across the whole city- to an after hours bar where the staff (of maybe 5 people) and an additional five or six people listened to incredibly loud music, smoked cigarettes and snorted whatever it was they were snorting. The venue seemed like a strip club that had lazy, fully-dressed, coke-snorters in lieu of strippers. The only men that were there were “straight” but kept giving each other looks and then disappearing to the alley behind the bar or the men’s room in pairs. Needless to say I stayed for many hours and remember very little of the experience. Some hours later I awoke at home in my bed, wondering if it had all just been an uninteresting dream, or a boring nightmare brought on by too many reruns of “Weeds” and Queer as Folk… but no.

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Vagina, Interrupted

Counting Down The TOP 5 Best Euphemisms for Vagina:

5. Snatch – Mostly used when vaginal sighting is unexpected: “Whoa, I caught a look at her snatch!”

4. Pussy – All around most common and acceptable word for vagina, best suited while on the prowl: “Let’s go find some pussy!”

3. Quiff – Great for use at home, also works as an exclamation: [Stubs Toe] “Oh, Quiff!”

2. Beaver – Sounds friendly and furry, usually used in reference to old vaginas: “Dude, your mom’s got a nice beaver.”

1. Cunt – Most offensive and therefore best euphemism for the beloved orifice.

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Mississippi’s last abortion clinic may be closing due to harsh new regulations placed on these healthcare providers by Republican cave-men. It’s really hard to make this funny, but here it goes… After succeeding in eliminating abortion in their state, Mississippi (a state whose teen pregnancy rate is currently 65% higher than the rest of the country) is not done yet. In an effort to ensure that their population is as stupid and poor as possible [although several surveys already rank it as the poorest, dumbest state] Mississippi government will soon begin mandatory pregnancy tests for all women over the age of twelve. Knowing right away when your teenage daughter has been raped and impregnated is the first step to convincing her that Jesus demands that she keep, deliver and raise her rape-baby. Now I know what you’re all thinking: “Who doesn’t want a rape-baby?” Of course every little girl dreams of the night she goes out to a kegger and has a roofie slipped in her drink by an overweight classmate who then rapes her, filling her with the unbridled joy that is a rape-baby. We can’t all live in Mississippi though and that’s why today’s post was brought to you by…. Clarence’s Rape-Baby Clearance Center!!!!! Come on down and pick up your very own unwanted rape-baby today! Our trained customer service representatives are there every step of the way to help you choose, modify and buy the rape-baby of your dreams! Currently offering “2-for-1” on all brown and off-white rape-babies! Female, Asian rape-babies now reduced to clear! Also check out our HUGE selection of Mormon-babies!

*Please note that all or most Mormon babies are rape-babies.

 

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The Meaning of… I gave up, okay?!

On to better newer things. I have decided that today will be the first day that I begin to go through nicotine withdrawal until I am completely rid of my smoking habit. After a very long… Very, very long-my partner would say… time I have decided to quit smoking for good and give up the delicious little white cylinders I adore so much. But not anymore. The love is gone, my smokey mistress has become to expensive to keep and too hazardous to my own health as well as those around me. I, like most people, hate having to be even slightly uncomfortable for even a moment. And NOT smoking is not in my comfort zone. It’s only been about an hour and I miss them knowing I’ll really start wanting them again soon. I figured that since I have been seriously neglecting my blog duties I can replace my smoking time with blogging time and I can use it to keep myself accountable– plus dick jokes. I’m sure I can think of things to write to keep my mind off of smoking.

TOP FIVE JOYS OF SMOKING:

  1. The way the smoke comes out of you. All billow-y and unique each time and when the sun catches it just right it appears as though its a mist surrounding your mighty burning cigarette.
  2. Opening a new pack of smokes. Quickly (or sensuously and slowly) unwrapping the little read band of plastic and popping them out of their hiding place…. Hmm.
  3. Lighting them. Sparking up a match or a Bic and commanding the fire to ignite your cigarette and then you take the–
  4. First Drag– and then the fire is in you before you release the aforementioned billow-y cloud of satisfying smoke… never the same twice.
  5.  Last, long drag from a butt. Just before the end of the overwhelmingly joyful experience that is smoking a cigarette, the last pull from a dying flame bringing in the last of the sweet burnt mint and tobacco tasting smoke into your lungs before its expelled in the ever satisfying billow-y-ness.

…But I’m serious, guys, I’m officially a non-smoker. –Tobacco only I mean– Weed, hash, meth, and crack are still totally on the menu. 

Stay in school, don’t use drugs. Unless you can handle your drugs well enough to stay in school, then, like, why not do ’em, I guess…

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Flowers & Weeds

Today, I read that recently it was alleged that the Minnesota Police Force was supplying the “occupy” protestors with a lot of very high quality marijuana. The Occupy movement is an ultimately failed but well meaning assemblance of hippies, unemployed and homeless people who are tired of being forced to wash and live in houses by the 1%. Police are men who have severe penis/aggression issues and woman who have penises and also we give them guns. WHO is surprised to learn that the police are both running the marijuana trade in Minnesota and are not smart enough to not deal to protesters in that area? I really wish I had the time and passion to write a new FARGO style movie depicting the whole network of Minnesotan Drug Masterminds.

Why you should ONLY buy drugs from POLICE:

  • Quality. Busting and jacking the highest quality bud is the number one priority of your local police force. Priority number two? D.A.R.E. campaign obligations.
  • Reliability. It`s as easy as calling 9-1-1! Operators are waiting for your call.
  • Hypocracy. Let`s face it, there`s nothing that feels quite as good as buying your drugs from the people who are paid every day to keep them out of your town.
  • Pay it Forward. When you buy your illegal drugs from police officers you know that a large portion of the profit is going directly to more pot, alcohol and harder and more awesome drugs for your local police to take and cruise around in cool cars with lots of distracting lights, sounds, weapons and gadgets.

I received some “get well“ flowers since I was feeling ill and my spouse is totally in love with me. They`re yellow and really brighten up my kitchen. Its amazing how much something as simple as some potted mums can really improve your mood and your feeling about a room. Another flower, weed, is also a great way to brighten a room, or a tent city set up in protest of a corporatocracy and government corruption and greed.

 

Inspired by: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/11/minnesota-police-occupy-drugs_n_1510557.html?ref=canada&ir=Canada at the Huffington Post.

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