Tag Archives: education

Gleefully Overdosing on Heroin

Recently a cast member of Glee overdosed on heroin and died.  People acted like he was a police officer that got killed after saving a baby from a pedophile, maniac, bank-robber, instead of a 30-something who plays a teenager, who is a junkie, and who died from partying too hard while enjoying his millionaire, celebrity lifestyle a bit too much.  Anyone with any sense of perspective could agree that his death is not in the “tragedy” category.  However after making a small post on Facebook about it, a bunch of people I barely know decided to comment on it to shame me for saying that celebrities addicted to heroin deserve their imminent deaths.  What is so controversial about this?  I think that after the Martin/Zimmerman verdict, the Arizona firefighters, and the generally unrest on the other side of the world, this actor’s wild Saturday night is not nearly as newsworthy.  But it was on TV for over a week.  It was on International news for over four days.  It’s obscene.  I’m going to update this post tomorrow when I’m less lazy with some of the better “dark-sense-of-humor-shaming” quotes from my wall.

I have never tried heroine, but if I did, I suspect it would be really, really, good.  People who do it never say that it is the worst feeling ever and try to avoid it a lot after trying it.  On these grounds I am willing to believe that, as a substance, heroine produces feelings of intense euphoria, the likes of which I will never, hopefully, know.  Actual life is actually pretty shitty a lot of the time (if you’re doing it right), and being given the euphoria of an intense narcotic cannot be good for human brains.  Anyone who tries heroine is trying to kill themselves, at least a little.  I bet Jesus did heroine… Nah.  But Lindsay Lohan for sure.  And Amanda Bynes… Maybe.

I have completed my training at the trailer-park-college, and I am now slaving at the trailer-park-law office of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.  My rural town office setting is pretty entertaining for me, they listen to the country music station, they talk about hunting, and the phrase “as useless as tits on a bull” has been uttered.  Did I mention I work in an office with only female coworkers?  Well, I do.  In all honesty, it is the best job I have ever had, and I am only guaranteed to keep it for a month.  After which time they could just say “Thanks for the month of free typing, filing, and general awesomeness”.  The location is perfect for me. I live fifteen minutes from the city, and the office is fifteen minutes further away than me, and it is proudly “Country” out that way.  Everyone has a truck, and an ATV, and a ski-doo for the winter.  If I have to, I will wear cowboy boots and a hat to get hired on full-time.  It’s an ideal small office with few people to answer to, lots of work, and opportunities to learn a lot about law.  More updates on this to come.

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woes of a business college student

Today I wrote an exam at my “No-Frills” community college. Not the good one, the other one– In the mall between the liquor store and the bong shop ( amazingly accurate and not a comedic exaggeration)– The one with no books in it. Yes, that one. Anyway, this is a facebook status update I couldn’t bring myself to post because it was too whiny, and made me sound like a giant nerd. I’m a closet-nerd, but my close friends and family know. And you know. Here it is:

Exam today. My problems with it:
1.College employees who are creating tests are unaware of, or do not care about, the definitions of the following terms: skills, tips, steps, items, elements, procedures, suggestions, examples or characteristics. These terms are used interchangeably and inconsistently throughout the tests, the textbook is very clear on which is which- the test maker could have easily checked this- I did.
2. It includes multiple choice questions that are supposed to have only one answer, and that will only accept one correct answer, but that contain two (and sometimes three) other, completely appropriate responses that are also found in the textbook pertaining to exactly the situation found on the test.
3. Some of the answers to be studied were just incorrect (Not just out-dated, as there were a couple of those, too). It’s wrong in the textbook and in the tests, and is used consistently, so you must remember the incorrect textbook answer rather than the real world, actual, answer to the question you’re reading. Very frustrating stuff. Especially when you’re the kind of person who is capable of using Google to confirm your suspicions of idiocy and lazy test-making.
I still did awesome on the exam, I’m sure, but these kinds of errors and oversights are not indicative of attention to detail or high academic standards, IMO.

So that was it. Kind of lengthy for a status update, so I’m glad I could put it here and not waste the time I spent typing it out.

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Facebook Weed Rebuttal

I posted this innocuous public service announcement on my wall and was met with disbelief. Enjoy:

weedwar
Uninformed Comment:
This is bull!
My Reply:
HOW is this bull?? Saying it has medicinal qualities is debatable, I’ll admit, but this is about comparative harm. The only way marijuana could kill you is if you get into a car after using it (driving with any impairment is its own problem) or do something equally unsafe. The active ingredient (THC, that gets one high) is just not strong enough, on its own, to kill a person whether it is smoked or eaten. Deaths from alcohol poisoning happen everywhere on Earth, every day, and everyone knows what smoking cigarettes does to the body and how often people die from that. The current government sanctioned drugs (Alcohol and Nicotine) are FAR more harmful to society and to the individuals using them than Marijuana is. Nicotine and Alcohol are also scientifically proven to be harder habits to quit, physically and psychologically. IMO the prohibition of marijuana is a long outdated, and racist, law. Everyone (except the for-profit prison system) would benefit from government legalization, regulation, and taxation, which would severely reduce the black-market profits supporting crime, abuse and terrorism. I really don’t think it’s bull. I think it’s my generation’s responsibility to end this prohibition, to rake back money from criminals, and to free people to do as they choose without fear of being jailed for a victim-less crime. I’m just looking for some common sense in our laws, either tobacco and alcohol should be every bit as illegal as marijuana, or they should legalize marijuana. This was a belated and wordy reply to a three word comment, sorry, I’m very passionate about this topic, clearly.

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Trailer Park College

Shortly after enrollment, payment and beginning classes, a harsh truth revealed itself to me: I am going to the trailer park of colleges. Amusing to you, the reader, no doubt, but incredibly frustrating for me, the student, who must traverse such a school in the hopes of gaining some meaningful employment down the line. I’m taking the Legal Administrative Specialist program (the name of the programs should have been enough of a red flag, but, you know, hindsight… 20/20). I feel as though this school has sucked every ounce of fun out of me. When I get home I’m so frustrated by their lack of professionalism, efficiency and general knowledge that I can’t bring myself to talk to my family or friends about it– since when I’m done my course I will have to act like they provided me with a solid education so as to get hired at some luxurious, blood-sucking, soulless law firm.

My 5 Favorite Things About My Trailer Park College:

  1. It’s in a mall. No, not that mall, the crappy one. No, the one with the Dollar Store in it.
  2. Janitor washes blood from sidewalk daily.
  3. Quick access to weed and alcohol.
  4. No work!
  5. No learning!

I know that my new posts have been … non-existent… and not very good– my apologies. I will be writing more often and I’ll try to drum up some interesting topics to lampoon.  The phrase “legitimate rape” comes to mind.

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Senior Nipples

NEW RULES (Yes, like Bill Maher: prophet of Atheism):

  • Start making selecting my seat at the movies easier! Sure, I can pick out a seat before the show begins, but I have no way of telling whether the person who picked the seat next to mine is going to be that hot, thin girl and her mom, or that scary, death-metal guy and his elderly girlfirend. I like to buy a seat next to two other people in a close-to empty show and then I try to join their date. Makes that time before the previews fly by.
  • No more nip slips, Madonna. First off I’d like to mention that Madonna is the same age as my mother–A much classier, rounder woman in her 50s…You were never that hot, and now you’re old, too.I thought for sure by now she’d be onto some whole new endeavor that no one had ever thought of, really, or totally take over social media and somehow become internationally relevant again. Oh well, I guess she’ll put out a single or two every now and then and we can all look at her videos and marvel at how truly life-like she is. Like now. If you needed anymore convincing against the existence of God, just remember that Michael Jackson died and Madonna is still touring.
  • Stop letting your kid act like an asshole. We all see you at the beach, at the movies, and at the mall. When that tyrant grows up and stops bossing your ass around the whole fucking city has to deal with his bullshit. Try This: Hit him. Tell him why you hit him. Hit him again. Repeat until he can join a group of other children without being a dick.
  • No more wearing a bikini Ms. FourHundredPoundMotherofNineCsectionchildren – I did not come to the community pool to see a belly button bigger than my fist, but I stayed for it. *Stop laughing you Skinny bitches, if i can count your ribs or watch your heat beat at the pool you should probably wear a one-piece, too… Some of these women look like biology room decor.
  • When you see that I’m passing you on the highway and you realize you’ve been stuck behind a senior driving 80km/h, please do NOT then put on your blinker after performing a shoulder-check as I reach the point of no return on passing your vehicle. This causes me to shit my pants just a little and if you just wait until I’ve gone past you entirely we can all go home shit-free.
  • Lindsay Lohan has to stop being in the news. I have no idea what it is she’s been up to recently and it’s only because I have trained myself to tune out anything that is said immediately after her name… I’m not really going anywhere with this, I just wish she would fade away like Nicole Ritchie or Survivor contestants.
  • I want to have bread, milk and fresh fruit and vegetable delivered to my house everyday. This isn’t really a new rule, it’s not part of this list, but it’s what I was thinking– and how great would that be?!
  • Start making robots. It’s the fucking year 2012, why am I not waking up each day to a robot-slave in my flying-house-car-boat on the Moon? I wish Newt Gingrinch were President…
  • Keep Christ in Church! I know that it’s nowhere near Xmas time, but I fucking hate that float in our parade and the display on the town common. It’s an eyesore with unattractive figures representing some old-timey Jews in a manger with farm animals. I have not intentionally used anything other than “Xmas” to refer to the time of year I bring a pine tree in the house and put shiny balls all over it. Pronounced “Ex-mas”.
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Funny Cats

I thought this title would drum up some views. Actual topic of discussion is friendship. I know I piss on a lot of things and I seem pretty hateful BUT there is one thing that I really love. FRIENDS. Not those shitty people who liked your status on facebook, and not the people at your work who you’re friendly with… I mean real friends that you are going to be friends with forever no matter what and it doesn’t matter how often you get to see each other, or what you do when you’re together. I had a visit from my two very best friends today. We all live in different cities an hour and half away from one another, and haven’t been in the same room since one of us got married last year around this time. Of course every time we all get together we vow to start doing a regular once a month thing, which never ends up happening, but it is nice to imagine. Our Friendship is lasting and true. We went to Kindergarten together (pre-grade 1) and were in the same class until late high school when we still had some of our classes together (usually on purpose). First year after high school two of us chose different campuses of the same university and the other went to community college in a third city. I stayed home for first year of University as a new teen dad waging an unholy war against the troll with custody of my perfect child. None of us finished the program we entered after high school. Now, one of them works at a very young, popular nightclub downtown, the other is a pharmacy tech working at the hospital and is busy settling into married life. Fortunately thus far (probably because we’re white and were raised Christian) none of us became dangerously dependent on drugs or alcohol or got AIDS. And none of us got raped, so that feminist’s lecture on date-rape was incorrect.

5 THINGS FRIENDS PROVIDE:

  1. Food.
  2. Sounding board for brilliant ideas–i.e. Stairway Book-Skis
  3. Relief from everyone else you know.
  4. Shoulder to cry on.
  5. Alibis- no questions asked.
I would still be friends with my real friends even if they killed every one of my other facebook friends. On this topic.. When is there going to be a “FaceBook Killer” who stalks people’s friends online and kills them in real life? I’m sure there’s already a very poorly acted, direct-to-Netflix movie about exactly this being produced as I type.
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Decisions, decisions…

When deciding which educational path to choose, one must remember several things during one’s decision making process. First off, the appearance of the administrative staff at the institution should seriously be taken into consideration. Registrar’s offices with hot girls indicate a fun-loving and playful atmosphere, while old, dumpy, “mom”-types are a red flag for a more drone-ish, and strict approach to educating. Second when choosing the school to which you will attend it is important to evaluate the various distances between points on the campus: Will your classes be solely in one building or spread out scavenger hunt style across the campus, taking you to the furthest four corners each and every day? Is the library close to where your classes are? Will you have time to shit between classes? These questions cannot be left to the last minute. Especially the last one. — And how far from the gym are your classes/dorm/library– this could be most important– not because I work out, but it really enriches my day to see well toned bodies and fit gym goers … and in the attire they tend to sport its always pleasing– so a centrally located campus gym is ideal for hotness throughout the day.

When choosing which program/faculty/discipline the most important question to ask yourself is which will lead to a career that lets you to spend wads of company cash and can provide you with travel and meal allowances, per diems, and such. Then go with that one. You can also try a Bachelor of Arts and major in English and History, though– someone has to work at Indigo and Chapters.

When choosing living arrangements for post secondary education insist on a single room. No one wants to see their roomie masturbating, and if you live in a dorm together, chances are one of you will be caught. Take out the risk of your personal moments being interrupted by several drunk freshmen with a stolen traffic cone– get a single room… and some tissues.

After declining an opportunity to enroll in a telephone operator program, Opal decided to take the elevator operator’s course and passed with flying colors becoming the first female elevator operator. Two and a half weeks later she was also the last elevator operator to be laid-off due to technological revolution within the industry. This fictitious account of events came from nowhere and leads to no solid point. But I’m sure something like this had to have happened at some point…

QUESTION FOR THE NONEXISTENT AUDIENCE: Do you work in the field you originally intended to work in when you started your post high school education? What did you take in school and what do you do for work now? (If you don’t have post high school education, how did you make out? Are you doing pretty well job-wise?)

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