Tag Archives: Jesus

Gleefully Overdosing on Heroin

Recently a cast member of Glee overdosed on heroin and died.  People acted like he was a police officer that got killed after saving a baby from a pedophile, maniac, bank-robber, instead of a 30-something who plays a teenager, who is a junkie, and who died from partying too hard while enjoying his millionaire, celebrity lifestyle a bit too much.  Anyone with any sense of perspective could agree that his death is not in the “tragedy” category.  However after making a small post on Facebook about it, a bunch of people I barely know decided to comment on it to shame me for saying that celebrities addicted to heroin deserve their imminent deaths.  What is so controversial about this?  I think that after the Martin/Zimmerman verdict, the Arizona firefighters, and the generally unrest on the other side of the world, this actor’s wild Saturday night is not nearly as newsworthy.  But it was on TV for over a week.  It was on International news for over four days.  It’s obscene.  I’m going to update this post tomorrow when I’m less lazy with some of the better “dark-sense-of-humor-shaming” quotes from my wall.

I have never tried heroine, but if I did, I suspect it would be really, really, good.  People who do it never say that it is the worst feeling ever and try to avoid it a lot after trying it.  On these grounds I am willing to believe that, as a substance, heroine produces feelings of intense euphoria, the likes of which I will never, hopefully, know.  Actual life is actually pretty shitty a lot of the time (if you’re doing it right), and being given the euphoria of an intense narcotic cannot be good for human brains.  Anyone who tries heroine is trying to kill themselves, at least a little.  I bet Jesus did heroine… Nah.  But Lindsay Lohan for sure.  And Amanda Bynes… Maybe.

I have completed my training at the trailer-park-college, and I am now slaving at the trailer-park-law office of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.  My rural town office setting is pretty entertaining for me, they listen to the country music station, they talk about hunting, and the phrase “as useless as tits on a bull” has been uttered.  Did I mention I work in an office with only female coworkers?  Well, I do.  In all honesty, it is the best job I have ever had, and I am only guaranteed to keep it for a month.  After which time they could just say “Thanks for the month of free typing, filing, and general awesomeness”.  The location is perfect for me. I live fifteen minutes from the city, and the office is fifteen minutes further away than me, and it is proudly “Country” out that way.  Everyone has a truck, and an ATV, and a ski-doo for the winter.  If I have to, I will wear cowboy boots and a hat to get hired on full-time.  It’s an ideal small office with few people to answer to, lots of work, and opportunities to learn a lot about law.  More updates on this to come.

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Bored Police vs. Victim-less Crime

From “My Town” Regional Police Force’s FB page:
DRUG SEIZURE
As a result of a drug investigation, on April 3rd, 2013 members of the [“MTRPF”] arrested a 39 year-old male in “My Town” for having approximately 800g of marijuana and a small amount of hash oil for the purposes of trafficking. Also seized was approximately $4700 in cash. This individual will appear in court on May 23rd, 2013.

rrpf

 

I have so many problems with this, but what comes to mind is how senseless it is for marijuana to be illegal in the first place.  Police should be trying to stop and deter violence against children and women, pedophilia, trafficking hard drugs, littering, unpaid fines…  Stopping ANYTHING that causes any harm to anyone would certainly be a better use of the police’s time and money.  I’d feel much better if I thought they were keeping crack, meth, or heroine off my streets.  I wonder how much taxpayers will spend on arresting, prosecuting, incarcerating, and “rehabilitating” the individual they caught.  Seems like a waste to me.  Canada should have already legalized it and be taxing the hell out of it by now.  How much longer will we keep throwing money away and letting a black market (filled with worse crime than getting high) run this billion-dollar show, and keep all their profits tax-free?

 

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woes of a business college student

Today I wrote an exam at my “No-Frills” community college. Not the good one, the other one– In the mall between the liquor store and the bong shop ( amazingly accurate and not a comedic exaggeration)– The one with no books in it. Yes, that one. Anyway, this is a facebook status update I couldn’t bring myself to post because it was too whiny, and made me sound like a giant nerd. I’m a closet-nerd, but my close friends and family know. And you know. Here it is:

Exam today. My problems with it:
1.College employees who are creating tests are unaware of, or do not care about, the definitions of the following terms: skills, tips, steps, items, elements, procedures, suggestions, examples or characteristics. These terms are used interchangeably and inconsistently throughout the tests, the textbook is very clear on which is which- the test maker could have easily checked this- I did.
2. It includes multiple choice questions that are supposed to have only one answer, and that will only accept one correct answer, but that contain two (and sometimes three) other, completely appropriate responses that are also found in the textbook pertaining to exactly the situation found on the test.
3. Some of the answers to be studied were just incorrect (Not just out-dated, as there were a couple of those, too). It’s wrong in the textbook and in the tests, and is used consistently, so you must remember the incorrect textbook answer rather than the real world, actual, answer to the question you’re reading. Very frustrating stuff. Especially when you’re the kind of person who is capable of using Google to confirm your suspicions of idiocy and lazy test-making.
I still did awesome on the exam, I’m sure, but these kinds of errors and oversights are not indicative of attention to detail or high academic standards, IMO.

So that was it. Kind of lengthy for a status update, so I’m glad I could put it here and not waste the time I spent typing it out.

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Something Serious, Just This Once

One of my city’s elected Councillors has been arrested in connection with the local Child Exploitation Unit and they took a laptop and other items from his home. Very limited info is being released at this time obviously, but we know he’s the head of a reputable, local, non-profit organization: Inner-City Youth Ministries. JUDGEMENT: PEDOPHILE.

Okay, okay– I’m sure it’s not as open and shut as this and there are basically no facts available to the public, but at this time in history, after so many cases, any full-grown man who says he wants to help young inner-city kids by talking about Jesus is probably not someone who should be in charge of any kids. Just sayin’. If he’s white, this should also be a strike against him. All the suspects look the same. Is that self-racism against white men? I don’t think so, there’s loving Jesus and then there’s working for organizations that love Jesus; and an inordinately large number of those organizations molest kids. He has been director of Inner City Youth Ministries (A name which screams “child-rape-happens-here”) for 13 years. Why in the name of Christ, Mary and the Saints would anybody send their fucking kid to one of these places any more?! I just don’t get it. I know they think it won’t happen to them, but nobody thinks it will happen to them! UGH! It’s the same story with the same suspect every time and all we can do is feel sorry for the victims. Very depressing news days lately. 

http://www.news919.com/2013/01/10/veteran-saint-john-councillor-detained-by-rcmp/

 

 

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Republicans LOVE Rape Babies

So maybe I’m a little too liberal but I believe that abortions (certainly first and second trimester abortions) should be easier to get than McDonald’s if you want one. This is the year 2012. If I were to discover that there was another human growing inside me this would be completely unacceptable and I would definitely want medical assistance in its removal. Women who want an abortion NEED their abortion. If they’re unsure if they should have kids, they shouldn’t fucking be having any kids. Let people who want kids have kids and let everyone else terminate their pregnancy before anything human-looking develops. I’m incredibly disgusted with the Indiana senator, Richard Mourdock, who recently said that he does not believe abortions should be available to women who have been raped. This immoral belief like nearly all immoral beliefs stems directly from the senator’s religion. Mourdock believes that God has a plan for these rape babies and that women who’ve been raped should be legally required to carry the baby until birth. He later clarified by saying that God does not like rape (luckily Indiana has a senator with a direct line to the creator of the universe) and that rape is evil. Well which is it senator is God having these women raped to produce babies for which God ha a larger master plan? Or is it possible that every little bit of this is complete bullshit made up by men with small intellects and no care for women, their rights or their bodies?

Pro-life people are the most useless sect of our populace, at least psychopaths and serial killers amuse me on the news now and then. These assholes just want to make women with half a brain or more feel bad about their completely reasonable decision to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let my contempt for Indiana’s senator confuse you– rape is just the BEST reason for getting an abortion– upcoming exam week, pre-planned vacations, love of binge-drinking and general disinterest in raising children are also perfectly acceptable reasons.

Conservative MP, Maurice Vellacott, another champion of fact-less Christian idiots, has recently awarded two repeat offender jailbirds the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. The MP and the convicted criminals currently serving time have one very important thing in common, they are all anti-choice advocates and have been brainwashed into thinking some goo inside a woman’s uterus is a person. It is times like this that I truly wish that I could make people drop dead with my mind……. Nope, didn’t work. These ignorant people who so staunchly oppose abortion are nearly always the same hillbillies who opposed gay marriage years ago, who opposed interracial marriage before that and who have always had their pious noses in innocent people’s business. To the anti-choice/ pro-life/ self-righteous losers I say this: Let us fuck who we want, birth when we want and you can go whine about our sins at your church (the only place where people care what strangers do with their own lives). And don’t be giving these wastes of human minds medals of recognition. It will make them think they should continue to profess their ignorant and unwanted opinions and break the law to do it in what they see as the most effective way possible. This all pissed me off too much. No list this time. Okay a little one.

3 Things I LOVE About Abortions:

3. More room on the Highway! *Since 1973 it is estimated that there have been over 1,260,000,000 professionally induced abortions, meaning less traffic. Win! 🙂

2. Fewer Unwanted Children! *The only thing worse than an unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted child.

And the thing I love most about abortions is….

1. My mother didn’t have one. *You see, clearly God planned for me to write this blog post to oppose the anti-choice movement and to inform you that they are border-line retarded and should not be taken seriously.

**It was not easy to find a funny image to go with this post, but here’s what I got when I typed “Hilarious Abortion” into Google**

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Innocent & Virtuous Merchant Targeted by Local Oppressive Prudes

The owner of a local shop, “Intimate Desires” (The tamest lingerie-plus boutique you’ll ever enter) is currently under fire from Sussex, New Brunswick Town Council. The town council ordered her to cease conducting business and that she was in violation of an “adult entertainment” by-law. Keeping in mind the tiny town has no entertainment- adult or otherwise- available and the nearest cinema is at least a half hour away. The store contains no pornography of any kind and is intended as a couples or marital-aid boutique of sorts, selling suburban, super-safe-style versions of light bondage wear and accessories and some lube. Most items you can buy in her store can also be found in any big box store (it’s just typically spread throughout the store- lube in the pharmacy, bondage wear in sports and fitness– you know). The overwhelming majority of her products are lingerie, costumes and the like. WHY is the council of this town afflicted with such biblical prudishness? This is the year 2012 for goodness’ sake! If your 57-year-old mother can’t buy lube and a skin-tight cat suit in her hometown, where in the hell is she supposed to buy it?! Fifty Shades of Grey has created a seriously high demand for rough sex from women between the ages of 19 and 55 and they need props. Props and lube. Props and lube and costumes – and they should be able to get it!

Too much bible reading and too little sex is my professional opinion on the Sussex town council. The official word from council since this story being picked up by the media is: they are having two meetings in the next few days, this matter is not open for discussion, and if it were, it would occur behind closed doors. (! ?) To most Canadians I hope this generated a big “WTF moment”. I have no doubts that council will see major changes come the next election, I suspect that the people of Sussex are less than impressed knowing they may not be free to conduct legitimate business that the council members may not personally agree with.   I can only imagine what they’ll think when I open my first store in my new “Cock-Rings and Dildos” franchise. We also sell hats.

No list. Can’t be bothered.

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Senior Nipples

NEW RULES (Yes, like Bill Maher: prophet of Atheism):

  • Start making selecting my seat at the movies easier! Sure, I can pick out a seat before the show begins, but I have no way of telling whether the person who picked the seat next to mine is going to be that hot, thin girl and her mom, or that scary, death-metal guy and his elderly girlfirend. I like to buy a seat next to two other people in a close-to empty show and then I try to join their date. Makes that time before the previews fly by.
  • No more nip slips, Madonna. First off I’d like to mention that Madonna is the same age as my mother–A much classier, rounder woman in her 50s…You were never that hot, and now you’re old, too.I thought for sure by now she’d be onto some whole new endeavor that no one had ever thought of, really, or totally take over social media and somehow become internationally relevant again. Oh well, I guess she’ll put out a single or two every now and then and we can all look at her videos and marvel at how truly life-like she is. Like now. If you needed anymore convincing against the existence of God, just remember that Michael Jackson died and Madonna is still touring.
  • Stop letting your kid act like an asshole. We all see you at the beach, at the movies, and at the mall. When that tyrant grows up and stops bossing your ass around the whole fucking city has to deal with his bullshit. Try This: Hit him. Tell him why you hit him. Hit him again. Repeat until he can join a group of other children without being a dick.
  • No more wearing a bikini Ms. FourHundredPoundMotherofNineCsectionchildren – I did not come to the community pool to see a belly button bigger than my fist, but I stayed for it. *Stop laughing you Skinny bitches, if i can count your ribs or watch your heat beat at the pool you should probably wear a one-piece, too… Some of these women look like biology room decor.
  • When you see that I’m passing you on the highway and you realize you’ve been stuck behind a senior driving 80km/h, please do NOT then put on your blinker after performing a shoulder-check as I reach the point of no return on passing your vehicle. This causes me to shit my pants just a little and if you just wait until I’ve gone past you entirely we can all go home shit-free.
  • Lindsay Lohan has to stop being in the news. I have no idea what it is she’s been up to recently and it’s only because I have trained myself to tune out anything that is said immediately after her name… I’m not really going anywhere with this, I just wish she would fade away like Nicole Ritchie or Survivor contestants.
  • I want to have bread, milk and fresh fruit and vegetable delivered to my house everyday. This isn’t really a new rule, it’s not part of this list, but it’s what I was thinking– and how great would that be?!
  • Start making robots. It’s the fucking year 2012, why am I not waking up each day to a robot-slave in my flying-house-car-boat on the Moon? I wish Newt Gingrinch were President…
  • Keep Christ in Church! I know that it’s nowhere near Xmas time, but I fucking hate that float in our parade and the display on the town common. It’s an eyesore with unattractive figures representing some old-timey Jews in a manger with farm animals. I have not intentionally used anything other than “Xmas” to refer to the time of year I bring a pine tree in the house and put shiny balls all over it. Pronounced “Ex-mas”.
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Vagina, Interrupted

Counting Down The TOP 5 Best Euphemisms for Vagina:

5. Snatch – Mostly used when vaginal sighting is unexpected: “Whoa, I caught a look at her snatch!”

4. Pussy – All around most common and acceptable word for vagina, best suited while on the prowl: “Let’s go find some pussy!”

3. Quiff – Great for use at home, also works as an exclamation: [Stubs Toe] “Oh, Quiff!”

2. Beaver – Sounds friendly and furry, usually used in reference to old vaginas: “Dude, your mom’s got a nice beaver.”

1. Cunt – Most offensive and therefore best euphemism for the beloved orifice.

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Mississippi’s last abortion clinic may be closing due to harsh new regulations placed on these healthcare providers by Republican cave-men. It’s really hard to make this funny, but here it goes… After succeeding in eliminating abortion in their state, Mississippi (a state whose teen pregnancy rate is currently 65% higher than the rest of the country) is not done yet. In an effort to ensure that their population is as stupid and poor as possible [although several surveys already rank it as the poorest, dumbest state] Mississippi government will soon begin mandatory pregnancy tests for all women over the age of twelve. Knowing right away when your teenage daughter has been raped and impregnated is the first step to convincing her that Jesus demands that she keep, deliver and raise her rape-baby. Now I know what you’re all thinking: “Who doesn’t want a rape-baby?” Of course every little girl dreams of the night she goes out to a kegger and has a roofie slipped in her drink by an overweight classmate who then rapes her, filling her with the unbridled joy that is a rape-baby. We can’t all live in Mississippi though and that’s why today’s post was brought to you by…. Clarence’s Rape-Baby Clearance Center!!!!! Come on down and pick up your very own unwanted rape-baby today! Our trained customer service representatives are there every step of the way to help you choose, modify and buy the rape-baby of your dreams! Currently offering “2-for-1” on all brown and off-white rape-babies! Female, Asian rape-babies now reduced to clear! Also check out our HUGE selection of Mormon-babies!

*Please note that all or most Mormon babies are rape-babies.

 

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Is Barack Obama A Ghost?

Donald Trump and SNL’s Victoria Jackson say they have reason to believe so. Other experts from Liberty University have concluded the American president may very well be the disembodied spirit of a Kenyan, socialist witch. “With so much riding on this election,” said Trump “Can we really trust a dead, unpatriotic man to handle this economy? Forget about it. He’s fired.”

Polls are showing 46% of Americans think that Barack Obama is probably a ghost while only 16% say they are absolutely sure he’s a ghost. Victoria Jackson commented on Fox News: “We have a lot of very smart, smart people lookin’ their hardest to find B. Hussein Obama’s death certificate. He wasn’t just born in Africa, he died there, too, and we’re gonna prove it.” Victoria Jackson was once a member of the cast of Saturday Night Live before Jesus visited her in a subway terminal and commanded her to rebel against evil, talented liberals and the deniers of Christ and creation science. Jackson has described her relationship with Jesus Christ on facebook as “complicated”. “We are a nation that has been duped into electing a ghost!” She exclaimed just before the “Fair and Balanced” program went to commercial break.

A second independent poll showed that even more citizens than before, a whopping 21% of Americans, are absolutely sure Obama is in someway undead (with 13% of that number citing “spook”). This same poll however showed that 94% of all those polled were also absolutely sure that republican candidate, Mitt Romney, should to be kicked in the nuts repeatedly and spat upon.

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Free Jesus!

Recently a friend of mine “found Jesus“. No, he wasn’t under the cupboards. And no, he wasn’t on top of the fridge. Where was he? Where Jesus always be hanging out, of course: Prison. Who ever would have known that if you wanted to find the ghost of a dead, Jewish Carpenter-God all you need to do is get caught cooking meth or snacking on faces while high on bathsalts.

What exactly is Jesus’ crime? Why is he so frequently incarcerated? And since Jesus is ALWAYS found by millions of men (and some fucked up women, too) in jail, shouldn’t we be keeping a closer eye on these facilities? Allowing this hippy-looking, zombie-Jew to infiltrate our prison systems so ubiquitously is seriously undermining the US’s authority over young black men who have been caught smoking pot… Surely these young men are every bit as dangerous as Charlie Manson, the bathsalts cannibal, or Bernie Madoff (another suspicious Jewish gentlemen).

Prisons here in Canada are experiencing a decline in patronage also. The conservative government is prepared to deal with these low enrollment numbers though, and they’ve found a way to solve the issue of the protests in Montreal as well. Harper announced that he will personally oversee the transformation of McGill University into a state-of-the-art maximum security prison— The most technologically advanced structure in our nation– to contain what he calls “Frog Protesters” and “the gays”. Official Opposition and NDP leader, Thomas Mulcair, called this move “revolutionary for the needs of Canadians” and went on to call it “the first of many freedom-removing, oppressive and patriotic changes” to our Canadian culture. All this less than one week after this Stephen Harper was seen removing his artificial human face at a peace rally to frighten demonstrators in Ottawa. “His robot eyes are trustworthy”, One Conservative Party Pundit was heard to remark as Harper used his eyes to shoot lasers at a few stray puppies. “I can’t imagine having a weakling, flesh-and-blood human in the office of Prime Minister again. Conservative robotics are the wave of the future.”

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