Tag Archives: Lindsay Lohan

Gleefully Overdosing on Heroin

Recently a cast member of Glee overdosed on heroin and died.  People acted like he was a police officer that got killed after saving a baby from a pedophile, maniac, bank-robber, instead of a 30-something who plays a teenager, who is a junkie, and who died from partying too hard while enjoying his millionaire, celebrity lifestyle a bit too much.  Anyone with any sense of perspective could agree that his death is not in the “tragedy” category.  However after making a small post on Facebook about it, a bunch of people I barely know decided to comment on it to shame me for saying that celebrities addicted to heroin deserve their imminent deaths.  What is so controversial about this?  I think that after the Martin/Zimmerman verdict, the Arizona firefighters, and the generally unrest on the other side of the world, this actor’s wild Saturday night is not nearly as newsworthy.  But it was on TV for over a week.  It was on International news for over four days.  It’s obscene.  I’m going to update this post tomorrow when I’m less lazy with some of the better “dark-sense-of-humor-shaming” quotes from my wall.

I have never tried heroine, but if I did, I suspect it would be really, really, good.  People who do it never say that it is the worst feeling ever and try to avoid it a lot after trying it.  On these grounds I am willing to believe that, as a substance, heroine produces feelings of intense euphoria, the likes of which I will never, hopefully, know.  Actual life is actually pretty shitty a lot of the time (if you’re doing it right), and being given the euphoria of an intense narcotic cannot be good for human brains.  Anyone who tries heroine is trying to kill themselves, at least a little.  I bet Jesus did heroine… Nah.  But Lindsay Lohan for sure.  And Amanda Bynes… Maybe.

I have completed my training at the trailer-park-college, and I am now slaving at the trailer-park-law office of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.  My rural town office setting is pretty entertaining for me, they listen to the country music station, they talk about hunting, and the phrase “as useless as tits on a bull” has been uttered.  Did I mention I work in an office with only female coworkers?  Well, I do.  In all honesty, it is the best job I have ever had, and I am only guaranteed to keep it for a month.  After which time they could just say “Thanks for the month of free typing, filing, and general awesomeness”.  The location is perfect for me. I live fifteen minutes from the city, and the office is fifteen minutes further away than me, and it is proudly “Country” out that way.  Everyone has a truck, and an ATV, and a ski-doo for the winter.  If I have to, I will wear cowboy boots and a hat to get hired on full-time.  It’s an ideal small office with few people to answer to, lots of work, and opportunities to learn a lot about law.  More updates on this to come.

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Bathrooms and Voting Booths

President Obama went on Letterman to get the vote of any ignorant hillbilly with a television, P!nk’s album dropped and nobody cared, Lindsay Lohan ran over ANOTHER pedestrian- and laughed,  and Apple starts taking orders for the new, gayer iPhone… It has been an incredibly busy week. Apart from all that excitement, Showtime’s Weeds has aired its final episode and CBS’s Big Brother (a reality show that showcases sluts and douche-bags– No, not Jersey Shore) aired the finale for their fourteenth season on Wednesday.

The upcoming US election will be (as always) the most important election in recent history. The American people could be saddled with a soft-handed, corporate slime-ball who has been filthy rich from birth and who believes in magical underwear. He also belongs to the ‘religion’ that teaches that American Indians’ skin is colored by a curse from an almighty God who currently is a flesh-and-blood deity living on a planet called Kolab– a planet where all men have many wives and women have an eternity of servitude and rapings, presumably. Of course this is only a worst-case scenario. Should President Obama win the election I’m sure that change we can all believe in will happen at the stroke of midnight after his inauguration; when Jay-Z beats will drown out the cries of anguished conservatives and the streets will flow with sizzurp and gin and juice and we can all get funky again.

To address the title “Bathrooms and Voting Booths”, I’m sure there’s a great joke there- I just can’t get to it. Something to do with taking a shit, I’m sure.

I get out a fair bit when I’m not writing this insightful and incredibly well-written blog and I sometimes work at a nightclub cleaning and doing general bus-boy type-stuff (I normally wouldn’t be into this kind of work but I know the owner and he has a hard time finding reliable people who won’t snort anything during their shift or fuck anyone who would let them do it in the supplies closet.). So I have some amusing accounts of my people-watching, listening and recordings. That being said, I present to you tonight my list of intelligent and witty remarks I’ve heard from the fairer sex while cleaning the (much cleaner and quieter) men’s room or gather supplies from the closet the bartender fucks cougars in.

SHiT I’VE HEARD FROM THE NIGHTCLUB LADIES’ ROOM:

  • “If I don’t take that hit of acid soon I’m gonna be practically sober.” (This quote to be read in a loud, slurring voice while holding the door of the ladies’ room open with one hand and clutching an unlit cigarette in the other.)
  • “Fifteen minutes?”  “Yeah, and then he was just done.”  “Did you say anything to him about it?”  “No, it’s weird because I still want him to think I was a virgin so I just acted like it was normal.”
  • (A rotund young woman exits) “If I ever get fat like that I want you to fucking kill me.”  “Me too, do you think she wants us to kill her? ‘Cuz she’s so fat- she must just want everyone to kill her.”
  • “I wanna see how I’d look in this top with a different bra- Can you hold my tits together, Ashley?”
  • “I’ve never had this much fun, I can’t remember the last time all of us were together!”  “It was when Stephanie took all those pills that time.” “I miss her.”
  • “Do you still have that bottle of water?”  “I drank it.”  “Oh, that’s okay” (She leaves) “That ugly bitch drank all my fucking water.”
  • “I wish I would look that good after three kids” “Bitch, what the fuck did you say about my kids?! You better not be talking shit about me havin’ babies, you fucking whore.”
  • “Gross.”  “What is it, Amber?”  “Aww, I got shit all on my sister’s purse and it won’t come out.”  “Just throw it away, it only has her stuff in it.” (Funny, yes, but it turned out to be actual human shit on the purse- and from what female staff could guess she’d used our sink ‘s faucet, the paper towel dispenser and the edge of  the bathroom counter to get it off- it was smeared everywhere.)

And my favorite…

  • “Fuck you, you fucking cunt, if you don’t hurry the fuck up Imma shit on your face.”

Keepin’ it classy for the ladies.

For those of you who are disappointed because you’d subscribed for the love of my racist and culturally insensitive humor and not my women-bashing and cursing- fear not- I’ll soon mock people of every color, eye-shape and hilarious accent.

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Senior Nipples

NEW RULES (Yes, like Bill Maher: prophet of Atheism):

  • Start making selecting my seat at the movies easier! Sure, I can pick out a seat before the show begins, but I have no way of telling whether the person who picked the seat next to mine is going to be that hot, thin girl and her mom, or that scary, death-metal guy and his elderly girlfirend. I like to buy a seat next to two other people in a close-to empty show and then I try to join their date. Makes that time before the previews fly by.
  • No more nip slips, Madonna. First off I’d like to mention that Madonna is the same age as my mother–A much classier, rounder woman in her 50s…You were never that hot, and now you’re old, too.I thought for sure by now she’d be onto some whole new endeavor that no one had ever thought of, really, or totally take over social media and somehow become internationally relevant again. Oh well, I guess she’ll put out a single or two every now and then and we can all look at her videos and marvel at how truly life-like she is. Like now. If you needed anymore convincing against the existence of God, just remember that Michael Jackson died and Madonna is still touring.
  • Stop letting your kid act like an asshole. We all see you at the beach, at the movies, and at the mall. When that tyrant grows up and stops bossing your ass around the whole fucking city has to deal with his bullshit. Try This: Hit him. Tell him why you hit him. Hit him again. Repeat until he can join a group of other children without being a dick.
  • No more wearing a bikini Ms. FourHundredPoundMotherofNineCsectionchildren – I did not come to the community pool to see a belly button bigger than my fist, but I stayed for it. *Stop laughing you Skinny bitches, if i can count your ribs or watch your heat beat at the pool you should probably wear a one-piece, too… Some of these women look like biology room decor.
  • When you see that I’m passing you on the highway and you realize you’ve been stuck behind a senior driving 80km/h, please do NOT then put on your blinker after performing a shoulder-check as I reach the point of no return on passing your vehicle. This causes me to shit my pants just a little and if you just wait until I’ve gone past you entirely we can all go home shit-free.
  • Lindsay Lohan has to stop being in the news. I have no idea what it is she’s been up to recently and it’s only because I have trained myself to tune out anything that is said immediately after her name… I’m not really going anywhere with this, I just wish she would fade away like Nicole Ritchie or Survivor contestants.
  • I want to have bread, milk and fresh fruit and vegetable delivered to my house everyday. This isn’t really a new rule, it’s not part of this list, but it’s what I was thinking– and how great would that be?!
  • Start making robots. It’s the fucking year 2012, why am I not waking up each day to a robot-slave in my flying-house-car-boat on the Moon? I wish Newt Gingrinch were President…
  • Keep Christ in Church! I know that it’s nowhere near Xmas time, but I fucking hate that float in our parade and the display on the town common. It’s an eyesore with unattractive figures representing some old-timey Jews in a manger with farm animals. I have not intentionally used anything other than “Xmas” to refer to the time of year I bring a pine tree in the house and put shiny balls all over it. Pronounced “Ex-mas”.
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Construction Criticism

Looking at building a closet in my unfinished basement as an introduction to finishing the rest of the basement. It’s likely to become the worst idea I’ve ever had, but I will attempt it anyhow. Handiness is not a skill I possess, but I’m sure that once I get going I will get the hang of it. Right now I’m in the planning and dreading stage of construction. Details of my failures to come.

I’m so tired of hearing things about people like Snooki and Lindsay Lohan. Why should these people matter? Mindless, vapid fame-whores should be required by law to promote educational institutions and organizations to counter their IQ lowering effects on the population. Similarly, churches and tabloid newspapers would be subject to steep fines under these new laws. The quality of Hollywood celebrities these days is so low.

Perspectives on 9/11:

  • Terrorist Plot by turban-wearing, Koran worshipping psychopaths
  • Inside Job  perpetrated by mastermind George W. Bush and his bottom bitch Condi.
  • Orchestrated by later anointed ‘9/11 widows’ as part of a ‘getting on the TODAY show’ plot.
  • Ruined weeks of television
  • Worst thing to happen to NYC since Madonna

If you found this offensive, please remember that I am completely out of fucks and thus will not give one.

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