Tag Archives: parody

Hillbilly vs. February

BenderI'mBack

It has been awhile… again… and so I feel the need to type things to no one that are about nothing! I have a lot going on right now and haven’t been paying any attention to my blog lately. It isn’t that I didn’t have the time, or was travelling, or was up to anything newsworthy in any way. I still had plenty of time to facebook about cats and things they might say in broken English, watch everything on Netflix– except for anything worth watching, and work on my shrines to Oprah and Mel Gibson; I just didn’t feel like doing the blog thing, really.

What have I been up to? I have been at a very “no-frills” kind of college for about six months now and I guess it’s going alright. Because most of the other students are recovering meth addicts and various other adult, trailer-dwellers, my marks are sky-high! I just finished a month-long module on proof-reading, editing, and business communications that was the first and only module so far that wasn’t completely -I’M SORRY- retarded. The instructors seem to be whoever showed up the week they were hiring (what I must imagine to be) minimum-wage-earning instructors. The student lounge is far less appealing than our jail’s cafeteria’s, which I’ve seen in the paper and was jealous of. Location? Strip Mall. Neighboring Venues? Liquor Store, Bong Shop, Dollar Store. To keep things on a positive note, the instructor we had over the past month was AMAZING. Truly, a diamond in the rough. She was like an elderly Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, but with no black people.

SPEAKING OF BLACK PEOPLE. February was black history month for some reason and I take this as a direct threat to racism everywhere! How is a poor, working, hillbilly in West Virginia supposed to make sure his kids are as racist as he is when they’ve got black people in your face for 28 straight days?! It is enough to make some want to load their shotguns– that  they bought with the freedom of the second amendment, with no background checks, and $200,  from the tailgate of a shifty yokel’s pickup– and take their country back!

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Keeping Up with the Romneys

Secret documents obtained by RoyMinor reveal Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s, tax returns prior to 2010. Although there are many varied aspects of his return which will interest both the Obama campaign and the average voter, the most glaringly obvious problem with his return was the “Fuck the Poor” stamp he’d used at the bottom, right corner of each page of the return. His expenses listed are another concern. He cited costs of “Pet Grooming” for the year in 2008 as being $113, 000.00 and costs for his wife’s yearly vaginal rejuvenation were well into the millions. Other costs for the Romney’s, or any average American family as Mitt himself said, included an average yearly cost of $615,000.00 for sweaters and khakis, $228,950.00 for the all-important annual fresh coat of paint on the family jet, and the reasonable $28,500.00 in costs listed as “Hair Care”. Possibly his most luxurious annual charges were for a rare tooth-whitening service which uses the unformed teeth from aborted fetuses and the tears of orphans. Romney has not lost his common touch he said yesterday in an interview that he had recently “seen a city bus” and had once, as a boy, “shopped at a mall”.

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