Tag Archives: politics

Hillbilly vs. February

BenderI'mBack

It has been awhile… again… and so I feel the need to type things to no one that are about nothing! I have a lot going on right now and haven’t been paying any attention to my blog lately. It isn’t that I didn’t have the time, or was travelling, or was up to anything newsworthy in any way. I still had plenty of time to facebook about cats and things they might say in broken English, watch everything on Netflix– except for anything worth watching, and work on my shrines to Oprah and Mel Gibson; I just didn’t feel like doing the blog thing, really.

What have I been up to? I have been at a very “no-frills” kind of college for about six months now and I guess it’s going alright. Because most of the other students are recovering meth addicts and various other adult, trailer-dwellers, my marks are sky-high! I just finished a month-long module on proof-reading, editing, and business communications that was the first and only module so far that wasn’t completely -I’M SORRY- retarded. The instructors seem to be whoever showed up the week they were hiring (what I must imagine to be) minimum-wage-earning instructors. The student lounge is far less appealing than our jail’s cafeteria’s, which I’ve seen in the paper and was jealous of. Location? Strip Mall. Neighboring Venues? Liquor Store, Bong Shop, Dollar Store. To keep things on a positive note, the instructor we had over the past month was AMAZING. Truly, a diamond in the rough. She was like an elderly Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, but with no black people.

SPEAKING OF BLACK PEOPLE. February was black history month for some reason and I take this as a direct threat to racism everywhere! How is a poor, working, hillbilly in West Virginia supposed to make sure his kids are as racist as he is when they’ve got black people in your face for 28 straight days?! It is enough to make some want to load their shotguns– that  they bought with the freedom of the second amendment, with no background checks, and $200,  from the tailgate of a shifty yokel’s pickup– and take their country back!

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Republicans LOVE Rape Babies

So maybe I’m a little too liberal but I believe that abortions (certainly first and second trimester abortions) should be easier to get than McDonald’s if you want one. This is the year 2012. If I were to discover that there was another human growing inside me this would be completely unacceptable and I would definitely want medical assistance in its removal. Women who want an abortion NEED their abortion. If they’re unsure if they should have kids, they shouldn’t fucking be having any kids. Let people who want kids have kids and let everyone else terminate their pregnancy before anything human-looking develops. I’m incredibly disgusted with the Indiana senator, Richard Mourdock, who recently said that he does not believe abortions should be available to women who have been raped. This immoral belief like nearly all immoral beliefs stems directly from the senator’s religion. Mourdock believes that God has a plan for these rape babies and that women who’ve been raped should be legally required to carry the baby until birth. He later clarified by saying that God does not like rape (luckily Indiana has a senator with a direct line to the creator of the universe) and that rape is evil. Well which is it senator is God having these women raped to produce babies for which God ha a larger master plan? Or is it possible that every little bit of this is complete bullshit made up by men with small intellects and no care for women, their rights or their bodies?

Pro-life people are the most useless sect of our populace, at least psychopaths and serial killers amuse me on the news now and then. These assholes just want to make women with half a brain or more feel bad about their completely reasonable decision to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let my contempt for Indiana’s senator confuse you– rape is just the BEST reason for getting an abortion– upcoming exam week, pre-planned vacations, love of binge-drinking and general disinterest in raising children are also perfectly acceptable reasons.

Conservative MP, Maurice Vellacott, another champion of fact-less Christian idiots, has recently awarded two repeat offender jailbirds the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. The MP and the convicted criminals currently serving time have one very important thing in common, they are all anti-choice advocates and have been brainwashed into thinking some goo inside a woman’s uterus is a person. It is times like this that I truly wish that I could make people drop dead with my mind……. Nope, didn’t work. These ignorant people who so staunchly oppose abortion are nearly always the same hillbillies who opposed gay marriage years ago, who opposed interracial marriage before that and who have always had their pious noses in innocent people’s business. To the anti-choice/ pro-life/ self-righteous losers I say this: Let us fuck who we want, birth when we want and you can go whine about our sins at your church (the only place where people care what strangers do with their own lives). And don’t be giving these wastes of human minds medals of recognition. It will make them think they should continue to profess their ignorant and unwanted opinions and break the law to do it in what they see as the most effective way possible. This all pissed me off too much. No list this time. Okay a little one.

3 Things I LOVE About Abortions:

3. More room on the Highway! *Since 1973 it is estimated that there have been over 1,260,000,000 professionally induced abortions, meaning less traffic. Win! 🙂

2. Fewer Unwanted Children! *The only thing worse than an unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted child.

And the thing I love most about abortions is….

1. My mother didn’t have one. *You see, clearly God planned for me to write this blog post to oppose the anti-choice movement and to inform you that they are border-line retarded and should not be taken seriously.

**It was not easy to find a funny image to go with this post, but here’s what I got when I typed “Hilarious Abortion” into Google**

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Masterdebators, MDNA and Muslims

The first gaffe of the third presidential debate happened shortly after Mitt Romney seated himself at the table and $250, 000.00 accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the stage. While assisting the former Massachusetts Governor in picking up his fallen rubies and emeralds, President Barack Obama made the night’s second gaffe when he was spotted pocketing one of the nicer fist-sized diamonds.

Let’s face it, Obama must win this election lest the American people be saddled with a Mormon, millionaire President who will say whatever he has to win and will do whatever big business tells him to do. Please vote for Obama you obese, unemployed Americans! PLEASE!

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In other news, Madonna continues her North American tour, her latest stop was in Dallas and tonight she’s in Houston, Texas. If you’ve ever wanted to see a cinqo-genarian get half-naked and rub her dried-up lady-parts the MDNA tour (NOT a reference to Mitochondrial DNA– Nerds!) may just be for you. Of course the diva will also thrill the crowd by grinding against 20-something drug addict look-a-likes and there will reportedly also be some singing. After 43 No. 1 songs and 12 studio albums you’ll want to see Madonna live now– while she still is under the impression that she’s relevant.

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And another thing: How can we get Muslim women to stop dressing themselves in those oppressive, odd, and repellent bee-keeper suits?! I know that they say that this is about freedom of choice and freedom to dress oneself how they choose, but the truth of the matter is that they have made a serious virtue in their culture out of wearing this costume that only serves to make women invisible (until they need to be raped or stoned to death for being raped of course) and strip them of any individual identity that is not solely made-up of who she has married. If Islam’s garb of choice was more dramatic or revealing or bedazzled, I might be able to get on board with it… but any idea of a universally adopted dress-code (even if it’s only for the women) makes the scene instantly appear to be either very futuristic, very stone-aged (as in this case), or science-fiction-y(also a strong possibility). When I walk into a food court with more than 3 or 4 tables near me full of girls who are all wearing those things I feel very much like I’m at the cantina from Star Wars. When it all comes down to it dressing all women in ugly cloaks showing only their eyes is too strange for a non-Halloween event. JUDGEMENT: No more bee-keepers or Muslim hijab/burqa combinations! Let my edict ring throughout our nation! Take it off!

Muhammad in Drag

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Vagina, Interrupted

Counting Down The TOP 5 Best Euphemisms for Vagina:

5. Snatch – Mostly used when vaginal sighting is unexpected: “Whoa, I caught a look at her snatch!”

4. Pussy – All around most common and acceptable word for vagina, best suited while on the prowl: “Let’s go find some pussy!”

3. Quiff – Great for use at home, also works as an exclamation: [Stubs Toe] “Oh, Quiff!”

2. Beaver – Sounds friendly and furry, usually used in reference to old vaginas: “Dude, your mom’s got a nice beaver.”

1. Cunt – Most offensive and therefore best euphemism for the beloved orifice.

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Mississippi’s last abortion clinic may be closing due to harsh new regulations placed on these healthcare providers by Republican cave-men. It’s really hard to make this funny, but here it goes… After succeeding in eliminating abortion in their state, Mississippi (a state whose teen pregnancy rate is currently 65% higher than the rest of the country) is not done yet. In an effort to ensure that their population is as stupid and poor as possible [although several surveys already rank it as the poorest, dumbest state] Mississippi government will soon begin mandatory pregnancy tests for all women over the age of twelve. Knowing right away when your teenage daughter has been raped and impregnated is the first step to convincing her that Jesus demands that she keep, deliver and raise her rape-baby. Now I know what you’re all thinking: “Who doesn’t want a rape-baby?” Of course every little girl dreams of the night she goes out to a kegger and has a roofie slipped in her drink by an overweight classmate who then rapes her, filling her with the unbridled joy that is a rape-baby. We can’t all live in Mississippi though and that’s why today’s post was brought to you by…. Clarence’s Rape-Baby Clearance Center!!!!! Come on down and pick up your very own unwanted rape-baby today! Our trained customer service representatives are there every step of the way to help you choose, modify and buy the rape-baby of your dreams! Currently offering “2-for-1” on all brown and off-white rape-babies! Female, Asian rape-babies now reduced to clear! Also check out our HUGE selection of Mormon-babies!

*Please note that all or most Mormon babies are rape-babies.

 

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The Racist Emporium!

Come on down to The Racist Emporium! We have everything you need to blindly hate and remain ignorant of other cultures.

Confederate Flags now half price!

Stop by our “white-flour-only” Bigot’s Bakery and try our new Nigger Muffins or sample our world-famous Chink-Cakes!

Tired of Starbucks? Drop into Xenophobia our trendy new cafe with swivel chairs and a strong contempt for the Jews.

We also serve all your lumber and construction needs… Don’t let your clan meet with out the ever-popular pre-cut, ready-to-burn crucifix.

Don’t forget, we sell bigoted furniture and appliances, too! You can even find your holocaust-denying fridge magnets, and kitchen utensils depicting the prophet Muhammad here as well.

Planning a family get together? Don’t forget to buy the kids stylish swastika hoodies from our apparel department –where there’s a White Sale every day!

LOW STOCK- Last chance to get your Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter blow-up doll!

We are currently out of stock on all “Jesus Saves” bumper stickers.

We do not sell books.

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Gay Republicans, Smart Catholics and Jews for Jesus

5 Hottest Ugly Chicks:

  1. Lady Gaga – gets props for crazy masks and sunglasses covering the mess while providing quality T & A
  2. Uma Thurman – ten years ago. Not now.
  3. Paris Hilton – No matter how rich she gets, she’s still stuck with that face.
*You won’t know the last two, but trust me, their bodies are off the hook and their faces are off rotten.com.

…There are a lot of different people in this crazy little world of ours and since killing them would lead to my arrest – I’ll blog. Believing an all-powerful God will punish you for not confessing your sins to an old man in a booth… is just not smart. An old man who was probably busily molesting a young parishioner earlier that day, no less. I see republican women and republican black people the way most people only look at gay republicans. Meaning they’re all voting against their own interests.

Black, lesbian republicans are stupid – that’s right I said it.

PSA: Stop sending money to feed the hungry in Africa. Stop providing coats to the homeless in Winter. Stop helping underprivileged kids play sports . We need to focus on what will make real lasting change: Internet Memes. Clearly our population had been dumbed-down to the point where reading full sentences or watching short videos has become too time-consuming and ZAP the quick meme was born.

QUESTION: What’s worse than a gay republican? … And don’t say a gay cannibal, I’ve already gone there.

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The Meaning Of Life – PART III – ACADEMIC & SOCIAL FAILURES

This part of life spans from the age of about four-and-a-half to eight-teen or so. These years are mostly enjoyable for the first few years (ages four to twelve or so) before we become aware of ourselves socially and care about our performances academically. The latter few years are typically spent trying to commit or deter sex acts depending on your gender. So far this applies in the third world for the most part, too.

First World Problems:

  • Falling asleep in front of a TV with the sound up slightly too loud when the remote is out of reach.
  • Caring for your home and property– that you own and don’t have some King coming in and taking all your shit, ever.

The end of this age is usually marked with becoming eligible to vote. Here in Canada you must be eight-teen years old to vote for someone who you’ve never met and probably does not represent you or your community in any particular or beneficial way. Being over the age of 18 also allows Canadians to drink alcohol in most provinces, and enter adult establishments. Compare going to a Montreal strip club with seeing the woman who helps you vote and you begin to understand why our voter turn out is so depressingly low. Less than half of eligible voters voting in elections should be unacceptable to everyone. This really makes no sense to me. When I go to vote I never have to wait. Even for ore than a minute really. Every time. Enough people should be voting that it takes 15 or 20 minutes of your day! It’s messed up, I know, but this is one instance where I would gladly wait much longer if I thought everyone who could, would participate in our little front of a democracy we do have… If voter turnout were 90% or higher, I’m sure it would keep politicians on their toes at least.

HOWEVER- Voting really isn’t relevant until we get to our next post on The Meaning of Life – Part IV – Adult Pleasures

General Tips on Being Canadian:

(not to be used by Russian spies, Chinese spies are cool though, we figure you’re already in charge and we accept)

  • Canada Day- Canadian Flag tattoos are necessary to show patriotism- don’t be a traitor!
  • Drive slow at night for fear of moose or deer encounters with your vehicle.
  • Poutine, poutine, poutine.
  • Smoking is not healthy. Unless its menthols- that shits better for you than garlic or Tylenol.
  • Toques during winter months are expected attire.
  • Sobeys (Or Safeway you Westerners) is where all food is purchased. Until my cousin was about 13 she thought they grew it all there.
  • Although our election process is unbelievably boring we do get U.S. Network TV and American politics are far more enjoyable to watch -like their sit-coms- for shock value(Herman Cain) and stunt-casting (Sarah Palin).

Mitt Romney is a rich, white, Mormon, millionaire, who used to be a bully in school, and spent his early adult hood closing down and merging American companies effectively laying off thousands of American workers for corporate profit. He is competing for the title of president of the United States of America against the most charismatic man to be introduced to the american public since… um, ever. He’s globally famous, an intellectual who was raised by a single mother. A family man with NO SCANDALS- take that, Anthony Weiner- And he’s funny. He might be the first funny president. Certainly for my short time on this Earth, he is. If the insane religious right get behind Romney and he somehow takes over the White house with his magic underpants and bigotry I will lose all faith in the American population. After the bailouts and everything else are they really going to elect a super-Millionaire for president?

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