Tag Archives: Religion and Spirituality

Something Serious, Just This Once

One of my city’s elected Councillors has been arrested in connection with the local Child Exploitation Unit and they took a laptop and other items from his home. Very limited info is being released at this time obviously, but we know he’s the head of a reputable, local, non-profit organization: Inner-City Youth Ministries. JUDGEMENT: PEDOPHILE.

Okay, okay– I’m sure it’s not as open and shut as this and there are basically no facts available to the public, but at this time in history, after so many cases, any full-grown man who says he wants to help young inner-city kids by talking about Jesus is probably not someone who should be in charge of any kids. Just sayin’. If he’s white, this should also be a strike against him. All the suspects look the same. Is that self-racism against white men? I don’t think so, there’s loving Jesus and then there’s working for organizations that love Jesus; and an inordinately large number of those organizations molest kids. He has been director of Inner City Youth Ministries (A name which screams “child-rape-happens-here”) for 13 years. Why in the name of Christ, Mary and the Saints would anybody send their fucking kid to one of these places any more?! I just don’t get it. I know they think it won’t happen to them, but nobody thinks it will happen to them! UGH! It’s the same story with the same suspect every time and all we can do is feel sorry for the victims. Very depressing news days lately. 




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Senior Nipples

NEW RULES (Yes, like Bill Maher: prophet of Atheism):

  • Start making selecting my seat at the movies easier! Sure, I can pick out a seat before the show begins, but I have no way of telling whether the person who picked the seat next to mine is going to be that hot, thin girl and her mom, or that scary, death-metal guy and his elderly girlfirend. I like to buy a seat next to two other people in a close-to empty show and then I try to join their date. Makes that time before the previews fly by.
  • No more nip slips, Madonna. First off I’d like to mention that Madonna is the same age as my mother–A much classier, rounder woman in her 50s…You were never that hot, and now you’re old, too.I thought for sure by now she’d be onto some whole new endeavor that no one had ever thought of, really, or totally take over social media and somehow become internationally relevant again. Oh well, I guess she’ll put out a single or two every now and then and we can all look at her videos and marvel at how truly life-like she is. Like now. If you needed anymore convincing against the existence of God, just remember that Michael Jackson died and Madonna is still touring.
  • Stop letting your kid act like an asshole. We all see you at the beach, at the movies, and at the mall. When that tyrant grows up and stops bossing your ass around the whole fucking city has to deal with his bullshit. Try This: Hit him. Tell him why you hit him. Hit him again. Repeat until he can join a group of other children without being a dick.
  • No more wearing a bikini Ms. FourHundredPoundMotherofNineCsectionchildren – I did not come to the community pool to see a belly button bigger than my fist, but I stayed for it. *Stop laughing you Skinny bitches, if i can count your ribs or watch your heat beat at the pool you should probably wear a one-piece, too… Some of these women look like biology room decor.
  • When you see that I’m passing you on the highway and you realize you’ve been stuck behind a senior driving 80km/h, please do NOT then put on your blinker after performing a shoulder-check as I reach the point of no return on passing your vehicle. This causes me to shit my pants just a little and if you just wait until I’ve gone past you entirely we can all go home shit-free.
  • Lindsay Lohan has to stop being in the news. I have no idea what it is she’s been up to recently and it’s only because I have trained myself to tune out anything that is said immediately after her name… I’m not really going anywhere with this, I just wish she would fade away like Nicole Ritchie or Survivor contestants.
  • I want to have bread, milk and fresh fruit and vegetable delivered to my house everyday. This isn’t really a new rule, it’s not part of this list, but it’s what I was thinking– and how great would that be?!
  • Start making robots. It’s the fucking year 2012, why am I not waking up each day to a robot-slave in my flying-house-car-boat on the Moon? I wish Newt Gingrinch were President…
  • Keep Christ in Church! I know that it’s nowhere near Xmas time, but I fucking hate that float in our parade and the display on the town common. It’s an eyesore with unattractive figures representing some old-timey Jews in a manger with farm animals. I have not intentionally used anything other than “Xmas” to refer to the time of year I bring a pine tree in the house and put shiny balls all over it. Pronounced “Ex-mas”.
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Selling My Meat on The Street

In an effort to socialize more and to do something for my community, I joined my local Pride Committee as part of my whole “try new things” idea. It’s gone well so far. Saturday night I sold hot dogs and sausages outside the gay bar to raise money for pride week events. Drunk people are obnoxious to me when I’m sober (which is most of the time), but gay people are far more behaviorally acceptable when intoxicated. There were no fights. No loud, angry altercations after the music was off. No parking lot throw downs to determine which grown man is the most infantile and irresponsible. It was all very tame.

I showed up to do the BBQ at around 11 and nearly no one went to the bar before midnight, so for a long time the only thing we had to do was to watch an incredibly drunk, rough-looking man across the street continually fall backwards onto his ass, get up, fall again… for a while that went on, then he decided to scoot along the sidewalk to a grassy knoll where he could lay down. During this time I watched several different police cars circle the area and completely miss his waves and yells of gibberish. After he was comfortable in he fetal position the fuzz finally spotted him and not one, not two, but three squad cars arrived on the scene to take into custody a man who could easily have been seventy years old (and not a strong-looking seventy either). After that I mostly gawked at the patrons and mentally documented their exploits– consisting mostly of mental notes on how not to dress myself ever, and how not to greet a group of friends upon meeting them in public. For fear of offending the disgusting fags and ugly dykes, I’ll just say that gay bar etiquette (which is non-violent but disturbingly affectionate) may be the reason why God Hates Fags. Just Sayin’.

On the topic of fags… Our city has recently uncovered a ‘serious problem’ with homosexual prostitutes using the city parks at night to conduct their particular type of business. Why are they using parks? Shouldn’t they go somewhere gayer?–like church! I wish that the gays would start trading sex for money at and around churches, in particular, Catholic ones. It would be so worth it just to read the headline: “Gay Prostitutes Arrested at St. Mark’s Cathedral”. Why not have a care-free Catholic sex scandal once in a while without all the depressing child-rape?

Anyway, we ended up selling a Pride T-shirt and a bunch of hot dogs and sausages, so it was a pretty successful night. I also stopped in the park on the way home and met some very friendly guys who were pretty low on cash, I guess. Nice guys though.

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Ubiquitous Ignorance

Imagine what the world would be like if God (the Christian God, let’s say) were really real. So God is really real and he is watching each and every person at every minute of every day. He’s able to do ANYTHING, and as most would say is in control of all things at all times. Why would we have pedophiles? ESPECIALLY as clergymen?! Why would there be human trafficking? Why would any of the truly atrocious things that humans do to one another be tolerated by a God of any kind and be allowed to occur? The answer is not that God works in mysterious ways. If he were real he would be the worst, most sadistic, gruesome fuck that anyone ever thought of.

Why do people want this to be true? Why would anyone ever want to live in this world and believe that some lazy or useless torture-porn-loving sicko is up there watching it all go down and doing nothing? Seems like too many people are concerned with the wrong things. Worrying about homos marrying or Mexicans immigrating into their state.

How is it that so many young Christians have been so perfectly brain-washed that even after they figure out how to use the internet they remain believers? This baffles me. When I see youtube videos from young Christians they are so clearly simple minded people with nothing holding up their beliefs apart from having had them since they were born. It’s sad that so few people have the capacity to see that what they call their “religion” is an obviously man-made (and I do mean “man”-made, as no women were involved except as objects, rape victims and slaves) invention to keep masses of simple minded humans under control.

If the pope lived in a hut and had no worldly possessions I would be far more likely to believe a tiny bit of the Catholics’ bullshit, but since he chills in a City-sized Castle and has more bling than a rapper, I’m out.

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