Tag Archives: Sex

Gleefully Overdosing on Heroin

Recently a cast member of Glee overdosed on heroin and died.  People acted like he was a police officer that got killed after saving a baby from a pedophile, maniac, bank-robber, instead of a 30-something who plays a teenager, who is a junkie, and who died from partying too hard while enjoying his millionaire, celebrity lifestyle a bit too much.  Anyone with any sense of perspective could agree that his death is not in the “tragedy” category.  However after making a small post on Facebook about it, a bunch of people I barely know decided to comment on it to shame me for saying that celebrities addicted to heroin deserve their imminent deaths.  What is so controversial about this?  I think that after the Martin/Zimmerman verdict, the Arizona firefighters, and the generally unrest on the other side of the world, this actor’s wild Saturday night is not nearly as newsworthy.  But it was on TV for over a week.  It was on International news for over four days.  It’s obscene.  I’m going to update this post tomorrow when I’m less lazy with some of the better “dark-sense-of-humor-shaming” quotes from my wall.

I have never tried heroine, but if I did, I suspect it would be really, really, good.  People who do it never say that it is the worst feeling ever and try to avoid it a lot after trying it.  On these grounds I am willing to believe that, as a substance, heroine produces feelings of intense euphoria, the likes of which I will never, hopefully, know.  Actual life is actually pretty shitty a lot of the time (if you’re doing it right), and being given the euphoria of an intense narcotic cannot be good for human brains.  Anyone who tries heroine is trying to kill themselves, at least a little.  I bet Jesus did heroine… Nah.  But Lindsay Lohan for sure.  And Amanda Bynes… Maybe.

I have completed my training at the trailer-park-college, and I am now slaving at the trailer-park-law office of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.  My rural town office setting is pretty entertaining for me, they listen to the country music station, they talk about hunting, and the phrase “as useless as tits on a bull” has been uttered.  Did I mention I work in an office with only female coworkers?  Well, I do.  In all honesty, it is the best job I have ever had, and I am only guaranteed to keep it for a month.  After which time they could just say “Thanks for the month of free typing, filing, and general awesomeness”.  The location is perfect for me. I live fifteen minutes from the city, and the office is fifteen minutes further away than me, and it is proudly “Country” out that way.  Everyone has a truck, and an ATV, and a ski-doo for the winter.  If I have to, I will wear cowboy boots and a hat to get hired on full-time.  It’s an ideal small office with few people to answer to, lots of work, and opportunities to learn a lot about law.  More updates on this to come.

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woes of a business college student

Today I wrote an exam at my “No-Frills” community college. Not the good one, the other one– In the mall between the liquor store and the bong shop ( amazingly accurate and not a comedic exaggeration)– The one with no books in it. Yes, that one. Anyway, this is a facebook status update I couldn’t bring myself to post because it was too whiny, and made me sound like a giant nerd. I’m a closet-nerd, but my close friends and family know. And you know. Here it is:

Exam today. My problems with it:
1.College employees who are creating tests are unaware of, or do not care about, the definitions of the following terms: skills, tips, steps, items, elements, procedures, suggestions, examples or characteristics. These terms are used interchangeably and inconsistently throughout the tests, the textbook is very clear on which is which- the test maker could have easily checked this- I did.
2. It includes multiple choice questions that are supposed to have only one answer, and that will only accept one correct answer, but that contain two (and sometimes three) other, completely appropriate responses that are also found in the textbook pertaining to exactly the situation found on the test.
3. Some of the answers to be studied were just incorrect (Not just out-dated, as there were a couple of those, too). It’s wrong in the textbook and in the tests, and is used consistently, so you must remember the incorrect textbook answer rather than the real world, actual, answer to the question you’re reading. Very frustrating stuff. Especially when you’re the kind of person who is capable of using Google to confirm your suspicions of idiocy and lazy test-making.
I still did awesome on the exam, I’m sure, but these kinds of errors and oversights are not indicative of attention to detail or high academic standards, IMO.

So that was it. Kind of lengthy for a status update, so I’m glad I could put it here and not waste the time I spent typing it out.

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Hillbilly vs. February

BenderI'mBack

It has been awhile… again… and so I feel the need to type things to no one that are about nothing! I have a lot going on right now and haven’t been paying any attention to my blog lately. It isn’t that I didn’t have the time, or was travelling, or was up to anything newsworthy in any way. I still had plenty of time to facebook about cats and things they might say in broken English, watch everything on Netflix– except for anything worth watching, and work on my shrines to Oprah and Mel Gibson; I just didn’t feel like doing the blog thing, really.

What have I been up to? I have been at a very “no-frills” kind of college for about six months now and I guess it’s going alright. Because most of the other students are recovering meth addicts and various other adult, trailer-dwellers, my marks are sky-high! I just finished a month-long module on proof-reading, editing, and business communications that was the first and only module so far that wasn’t completely -I’M SORRY- retarded. The instructors seem to be whoever showed up the week they were hiring (what I must imagine to be) minimum-wage-earning instructors. The student lounge is far less appealing than our jail’s cafeteria’s, which I’ve seen in the paper and was jealous of. Location? Strip Mall. Neighboring Venues? Liquor Store, Bong Shop, Dollar Store. To keep things on a positive note, the instructor we had over the past month was AMAZING. Truly, a diamond in the rough. She was like an elderly Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, but with no black people.

SPEAKING OF BLACK PEOPLE. February was black history month for some reason and I take this as a direct threat to racism everywhere! How is a poor, working, hillbilly in West Virginia supposed to make sure his kids are as racist as he is when they’ve got black people in your face for 28 straight days?! It is enough to make some want to load their shotguns– that  they bought with the freedom of the second amendment, with no background checks, and $200,  from the tailgate of a shifty yokel’s pickup– and take their country back!

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The Fat …or Holoween

I have absolutely no faith, but I do maintain a who-gives-a-fuck attitude and it seems to work in much the same way.  -Roy Minor

Tonight is Halloween. A night that we men have somehow transformed into sexual-fantasy-role-play-night. No one can say exactly how or when it started but I don’t think it was politically motivated feminists asserting their liberation and independence. Somewhere between doing the Monster Mash and shuffling around to Thriller, Halloween became a night when otherwise upstanding, well-dressed and demure young women parade around like naughty policewomen, naughty nurses and (my favorite) naughty nuns. The word “naughty” here can and should be replaced with “slutty”. Don’t get me wrong! It’s great — I love it. I truly wish every day was like Halloween. Everyone dresses like a slut or a mentally retarded person or a zombie (all VERY entertaining characters). I myself don’t dress up usually however today I did wear my leather jacket boots and belt and bought 1$ worth of fake piercings. Let’s call a spade a spade and all admit that Halloween costume parties and social gatherings are totally geared against fat people. They might make slutty school-girl costumes that are XXL but you never see this being worn. What you do see, however is the sad fat ghost, the lonely fat witch, and, the classic, fat pumpkin. Anything that covers head-to-toe, really. And all this on a night that is supposed to be dedicated to candy and sweets!

Fact: Some people are just genetically inclined to look better in black and solid colors and are determined in the womb to be a “large” person. These people are not up for discussion. You know them when you see them and they don’t register as “fat”. Big, large, stocky, solid– whatever. The other people are who I am talking about. The fat. These people need to be identified, discussed and dealt with. You know them; They live in our towns, eat in our restaurants, shop at our grocery stores and then they eat at our restaurants again. They’re growing in numbers, weight and apathy. They, the fat, have some or all of the qualities listed below and they can be cured of their unattractive and jiggly disorder!

Who’s “Fat”?:            (totally makes me think of that Weird Al Michael Jackson Parody)

  • Has never exerted physical energy for anything that didn’t taste good.
  • Eats more food than is provided by any North American fast food establishment  in a single combo- Every time.
  • Gets winded walking up stairs– or while carrying too many cakes.
  • Walks only because a Hover-round has not yet been purchased. Has visited website more than once.
  • Asks “Are you going to finish that?” more than twice each day.
  • Finds food in bed- and bathroom- and car- and self -at all times.
  • Credit Card Statement easily mistaken for Restaurant Yellow Pages.

**These people need to be found, rounded up, deprived of fast food and forced to exercise until feeling good about themselves is appropriate.**

Let’s have a fat-holocaust. No killing- we’ll just get rid of the fat. It’s way easier to spot a Fat than a Jew so we can get it done way faster than Hitler did- and we won’t get bogged down with all the upkeep and maintenance that genocide requires. We’ll be a society of regular, human-sized people again, wouldn’t that be great? North America (with white European countries closely behind) is getting so fat so fast that we may sink the continents before Global Warming can flood the Earth. This is a global problem, people. We have to get these Tubby  citizens on a fucking bow-flex before we’re all swimming around like fools!

I know, you say: “But, Roy Minor, you’re not fat, yourself. How can you possibly judge these gentle giants without knowing their sorrows?” Well, even though I may only weigh 130 pounds, soaking wet and holding a chicken, and even though I have dashing good looks and a very high metabolism that lets me eat anything and everything I want- I am still humble and I want you all to know that I do take the feelings of these unfortunately-sized souls into serious consideration. I realize that it is not so easy for some fat-fucks out there. And so I’ve devised a great plan for going from “fuck that” to “fuckable”. It’s easy, it’s memorable, and it works:

  1. Exercise ‘Till You’re Sore
  2. Don’t Eat ANYTHING That Tastes Good
  3. STOP Wearing Capes, Ponchos, and Giant Scarves- You just look like a big, fat chick wearing a blanket with a hole in it- stop that.

I’m aware that some of you… how shall I say… gargantuan… readers will be offended by what I’ve written. That’s all. I just wanted you to know that I already know, so you don’t have to post a comment saying how offended you are. Although, it would be nice for me to know that SOMEONE is reading this shit- even if it is just some gigantic tub-of-lard blogger. So go ahead, Chunky, do the truffle-shuffle and give me hell! The Jews were silent, the Asians said nothing, the Christians remain unspoken for, hopefully some loud, fat, idiot will attempt to shame me online for being so rude to the gelatinous masses.

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Republicans LOVE Rape Babies

So maybe I’m a little too liberal but I believe that abortions (certainly first and second trimester abortions) should be easier to get than McDonald’s if you want one. This is the year 2012. If I were to discover that there was another human growing inside me this would be completely unacceptable and I would definitely want medical assistance in its removal. Women who want an abortion NEED their abortion. If they’re unsure if they should have kids, they shouldn’t fucking be having any kids. Let people who want kids have kids and let everyone else terminate their pregnancy before anything human-looking develops. I’m incredibly disgusted with the Indiana senator, Richard Mourdock, who recently said that he does not believe abortions should be available to women who have been raped. This immoral belief like nearly all immoral beliefs stems directly from the senator’s religion. Mourdock believes that God has a plan for these rape babies and that women who’ve been raped should be legally required to carry the baby until birth. He later clarified by saying that God does not like rape (luckily Indiana has a senator with a direct line to the creator of the universe) and that rape is evil. Well which is it senator is God having these women raped to produce babies for which God ha a larger master plan? Or is it possible that every little bit of this is complete bullshit made up by men with small intellects and no care for women, their rights or their bodies?

Pro-life people are the most useless sect of our populace, at least psychopaths and serial killers amuse me on the news now and then. These assholes just want to make women with half a brain or more feel bad about their completely reasonable decision to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let my contempt for Indiana’s senator confuse you– rape is just the BEST reason for getting an abortion– upcoming exam week, pre-planned vacations, love of binge-drinking and general disinterest in raising children are also perfectly acceptable reasons.

Conservative MP, Maurice Vellacott, another champion of fact-less Christian idiots, has recently awarded two repeat offender jailbirds the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. The MP and the convicted criminals currently serving time have one very important thing in common, they are all anti-choice advocates and have been brainwashed into thinking some goo inside a woman’s uterus is a person. It is times like this that I truly wish that I could make people drop dead with my mind……. Nope, didn’t work. These ignorant people who so staunchly oppose abortion are nearly always the same hillbillies who opposed gay marriage years ago, who opposed interracial marriage before that and who have always had their pious noses in innocent people’s business. To the anti-choice/ pro-life/ self-righteous losers I say this: Let us fuck who we want, birth when we want and you can go whine about our sins at your church (the only place where people care what strangers do with their own lives). And don’t be giving these wastes of human minds medals of recognition. It will make them think they should continue to profess their ignorant and unwanted opinions and break the law to do it in what they see as the most effective way possible. This all pissed me off too much. No list this time. Okay a little one.

3 Things I LOVE About Abortions:

3. More room on the Highway! *Since 1973 it is estimated that there have been over 1,260,000,000 professionally induced abortions, meaning less traffic. Win! 🙂

2. Fewer Unwanted Children! *The only thing worse than an unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted child.

And the thing I love most about abortions is….

1. My mother didn’t have one. *You see, clearly God planned for me to write this blog post to oppose the anti-choice movement and to inform you that they are border-line retarded and should not be taken seriously.

**It was not easy to find a funny image to go with this post, but here’s what I got when I typed “Hilarious Abortion” into Google**

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Innocent & Virtuous Merchant Targeted by Local Oppressive Prudes

The owner of a local shop, “Intimate Desires” (The tamest lingerie-plus boutique you’ll ever enter) is currently under fire from Sussex, New Brunswick Town Council. The town council ordered her to cease conducting business and that she was in violation of an “adult entertainment” by-law. Keeping in mind the tiny town has no entertainment- adult or otherwise- available and the nearest cinema is at least a half hour away. The store contains no pornography of any kind and is intended as a couples or marital-aid boutique of sorts, selling suburban, super-safe-style versions of light bondage wear and accessories and some lube. Most items you can buy in her store can also be found in any big box store (it’s just typically spread throughout the store- lube in the pharmacy, bondage wear in sports and fitness– you know). The overwhelming majority of her products are lingerie, costumes and the like. WHY is the council of this town afflicted with such biblical prudishness? This is the year 2012 for goodness’ sake! If your 57-year-old mother can’t buy lube and a skin-tight cat suit in her hometown, where in the hell is she supposed to buy it?! Fifty Shades of Grey has created a seriously high demand for rough sex from women between the ages of 19 and 55 and they need props. Props and lube. Props and lube and costumes – and they should be able to get it!

Too much bible reading and too little sex is my professional opinion on the Sussex town council. The official word from council since this story being picked up by the media is: they are having two meetings in the next few days, this matter is not open for discussion, and if it were, it would occur behind closed doors. (! ?) To most Canadians I hope this generated a big “WTF moment”. I have no doubts that council will see major changes come the next election, I suspect that the people of Sussex are less than impressed knowing they may not be free to conduct legitimate business that the council members may not personally agree with.   I can only imagine what they’ll think when I open my first store in my new “Cock-Rings and Dildos” franchise. We also sell hats.

No list. Can’t be bothered.

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Bathrooms and Voting Booths

President Obama went on Letterman to get the vote of any ignorant hillbilly with a television, P!nk’s album dropped and nobody cared, Lindsay Lohan ran over ANOTHER pedestrian- and laughed,  and Apple starts taking orders for the new, gayer iPhone… It has been an incredibly busy week. Apart from all that excitement, Showtime’s Weeds has aired its final episode and CBS’s Big Brother (a reality show that showcases sluts and douche-bags– No, not Jersey Shore) aired the finale for their fourteenth season on Wednesday.

The upcoming US election will be (as always) the most important election in recent history. The American people could be saddled with a soft-handed, corporate slime-ball who has been filthy rich from birth and who believes in magical underwear. He also belongs to the ‘religion’ that teaches that American Indians’ skin is colored by a curse from an almighty God who currently is a flesh-and-blood deity living on a planet called Kolab– a planet where all men have many wives and women have an eternity of servitude and rapings, presumably. Of course this is only a worst-case scenario. Should President Obama win the election I’m sure that change we can all believe in will happen at the stroke of midnight after his inauguration; when Jay-Z beats will drown out the cries of anguished conservatives and the streets will flow with sizzurp and gin and juice and we can all get funky again.

To address the title “Bathrooms and Voting Booths”, I’m sure there’s a great joke there- I just can’t get to it. Something to do with taking a shit, I’m sure.

I get out a fair bit when I’m not writing this insightful and incredibly well-written blog and I sometimes work at a nightclub cleaning and doing general bus-boy type-stuff (I normally wouldn’t be into this kind of work but I know the owner and he has a hard time finding reliable people who won’t snort anything during their shift or fuck anyone who would let them do it in the supplies closet.). So I have some amusing accounts of my people-watching, listening and recordings. That being said, I present to you tonight my list of intelligent and witty remarks I’ve heard from the fairer sex while cleaning the (much cleaner and quieter) men’s room or gather supplies from the closet the bartender fucks cougars in.

SHiT I’VE HEARD FROM THE NIGHTCLUB LADIES’ ROOM:

  • “If I don’t take that hit of acid soon I’m gonna be practically sober.” (This quote to be read in a loud, slurring voice while holding the door of the ladies’ room open with one hand and clutching an unlit cigarette in the other.)
  • “Fifteen minutes?”  “Yeah, and then he was just done.”  “Did you say anything to him about it?”  “No, it’s weird because I still want him to think I was a virgin so I just acted like it was normal.”
  • (A rotund young woman exits) “If I ever get fat like that I want you to fucking kill me.”  “Me too, do you think she wants us to kill her? ‘Cuz she’s so fat- she must just want everyone to kill her.”
  • “I wanna see how I’d look in this top with a different bra- Can you hold my tits together, Ashley?”
  • “I’ve never had this much fun, I can’t remember the last time all of us were together!”  “It was when Stephanie took all those pills that time.” “I miss her.”
  • “Do you still have that bottle of water?”  “I drank it.”  “Oh, that’s okay” (She leaves) “That ugly bitch drank all my fucking water.”
  • “I wish I would look that good after three kids” “Bitch, what the fuck did you say about my kids?! You better not be talking shit about me havin’ babies, you fucking whore.”
  • “Gross.”  “What is it, Amber?”  “Aww, I got shit all on my sister’s purse and it won’t come out.”  “Just throw it away, it only has her stuff in it.” (Funny, yes, but it turned out to be actual human shit on the purse- and from what female staff could guess she’d used our sink ‘s faucet, the paper towel dispenser and the edge of  the bathroom counter to get it off- it was smeared everywhere.)

And my favorite…

  • “Fuck you, you fucking cunt, if you don’t hurry the fuck up Imma shit on your face.”

Keepin’ it classy for the ladies.

For those of you who are disappointed because you’d subscribed for the love of my racist and culturally insensitive humor and not my women-bashing and cursing- fear not- I’ll soon mock people of every color, eye-shape and hilarious accent.

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Trailer Park College

Shortly after enrollment, payment and beginning classes, a harsh truth revealed itself to me: I am going to the trailer park of colleges. Amusing to you, the reader, no doubt, but incredibly frustrating for me, the student, who must traverse such a school in the hopes of gaining some meaningful employment down the line. I’m taking the Legal Administrative Specialist program (the name of the programs should have been enough of a red flag, but, you know, hindsight… 20/20). I feel as though this school has sucked every ounce of fun out of me. When I get home I’m so frustrated by their lack of professionalism, efficiency and general knowledge that I can’t bring myself to talk to my family or friends about it– since when I’m done my course I will have to act like they provided me with a solid education so as to get hired at some luxurious, blood-sucking, soulless law firm.

My 5 Favorite Things About My Trailer Park College:

  1. It’s in a mall. No, not that mall, the crappy one. No, the one with the Dollar Store in it.
  2. Janitor washes blood from sidewalk daily.
  3. Quick access to weed and alcohol.
  4. No work!
  5. No learning!

I know that my new posts have been … non-existent… and not very good– my apologies. I will be writing more often and I’ll try to drum up some interesting topics to lampoon.  The phrase “legitimate rape” comes to mind.

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ROYMINOR v.2.0

Obviously I have been away from my blog for far too long; travel, summer with the kids, Pride week events, burying bodies, orgies, beginning school and gay chicken have taken up too much of my time lately. Hopefully these experiences can somehow be channeled into the art of “blogedy” (It’s like blog and com… never mind.) Here we go.

6 Things We All Know About The Girl Who Snorts Coke At Any Party:

  1. No panties.
  2. Purse contains less than $50 in cash and more than $50 in lip-gloss.
  3. Needs a place to stay.
  4. Needs a ride to that place.
  5. Will kiss a girl, and like it– for coke.
  6. Will suck your dick– again, for coke.

Recently, at a house-party after the bar I was approached by two shifty but attractive guys who asked if I was prepared to party. Normally I would decline such an offer, choosing to say I had eaten too many cheez-its or that my footwear or hairdo was inappropriate for partying– but at the moment they asked I’d been enjoying intoxicating beverages for quite some time and my reply sounded more like “Fuck yeah! Let’s go!” than “I should be getting home.” So we walked- nearly across the whole city- to an after hours bar where the staff (of maybe 5 people) and an additional five or six people listened to incredibly loud music, smoked cigarettes and snorted whatever it was they were snorting. The venue seemed like a strip club that had lazy, fully-dressed, coke-snorters in lieu of strippers. The only men that were there were “straight” but kept giving each other looks and then disappearing to the alley behind the bar or the men’s room in pairs. Needless to say I stayed for many hours and remember very little of the experience. Some hours later I awoke at home in my bed, wondering if it had all just been an uninteresting dream, or a boring nightmare brought on by too many reruns of “Weeds” and Queer as Folk… but no.

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Senior Nipples

NEW RULES (Yes, like Bill Maher: prophet of Atheism):

  • Start making selecting my seat at the movies easier! Sure, I can pick out a seat before the show begins, but I have no way of telling whether the person who picked the seat next to mine is going to be that hot, thin girl and her mom, or that scary, death-metal guy and his elderly girlfirend. I like to buy a seat next to two other people in a close-to empty show and then I try to join their date. Makes that time before the previews fly by.
  • No more nip slips, Madonna. First off I’d like to mention that Madonna is the same age as my mother–A much classier, rounder woman in her 50s…You were never that hot, and now you’re old, too.I thought for sure by now she’d be onto some whole new endeavor that no one had ever thought of, really, or totally take over social media and somehow become internationally relevant again. Oh well, I guess she’ll put out a single or two every now and then and we can all look at her videos and marvel at how truly life-like she is. Like now. If you needed anymore convincing against the existence of God, just remember that Michael Jackson died and Madonna is still touring.
  • Stop letting your kid act like an asshole. We all see you at the beach, at the movies, and at the mall. When that tyrant grows up and stops bossing your ass around the whole fucking city has to deal with his bullshit. Try This: Hit him. Tell him why you hit him. Hit him again. Repeat until he can join a group of other children without being a dick.
  • No more wearing a bikini Ms. FourHundredPoundMotherofNineCsectionchildren – I did not come to the community pool to see a belly button bigger than my fist, but I stayed for it. *Stop laughing you Skinny bitches, if i can count your ribs or watch your heat beat at the pool you should probably wear a one-piece, too… Some of these women look like biology room decor.
  • When you see that I’m passing you on the highway and you realize you’ve been stuck behind a senior driving 80km/h, please do NOT then put on your blinker after performing a shoulder-check as I reach the point of no return on passing your vehicle. This causes me to shit my pants just a little and if you just wait until I’ve gone past you entirely we can all go home shit-free.
  • Lindsay Lohan has to stop being in the news. I have no idea what it is she’s been up to recently and it’s only because I have trained myself to tune out anything that is said immediately after her name… I’m not really going anywhere with this, I just wish she would fade away like Nicole Ritchie or Survivor contestants.
  • I want to have bread, milk and fresh fruit and vegetable delivered to my house everyday. This isn’t really a new rule, it’s not part of this list, but it’s what I was thinking– and how great would that be?!
  • Start making robots. It’s the fucking year 2012, why am I not waking up each day to a robot-slave in my flying-house-car-boat on the Moon? I wish Newt Gingrinch were President…
  • Keep Christ in Church! I know that it’s nowhere near Xmas time, but I fucking hate that float in our parade and the display on the town common. It’s an eyesore with unattractive figures representing some old-timey Jews in a manger with farm animals. I have not intentionally used anything other than “Xmas” to refer to the time of year I bring a pine tree in the house and put shiny balls all over it. Pronounced “Ex-mas”.
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