Tag Archives: United States

Hillbilly vs. February

BenderI'mBack

It has been awhile… again… and so I feel the need to type things to no one that are about nothing! I have a lot going on right now and haven’t been paying any attention to my blog lately. It isn’t that I didn’t have the time, or was travelling, or was up to anything newsworthy in any way. I still had plenty of time to facebook about cats and things they might say in broken English, watch everything on Netflix– except for anything worth watching, and work on my shrines to Oprah and Mel Gibson; I just didn’t feel like doing the blog thing, really.

What have I been up to? I have been at a very “no-frills” kind of college for about six months now and I guess it’s going alright. Because most of the other students are recovering meth addicts and various other adult, trailer-dwellers, my marks are sky-high! I just finished a month-long module on proof-reading, editing, and business communications that was the first and only module so far that wasn’t completely -I’M SORRY- retarded. The instructors seem to be whoever showed up the week they were hiring (what I must imagine to be) minimum-wage-earning instructors. The student lounge is far less appealing than our jail’s cafeteria’s, which I’ve seen in the paper and was jealous of. Location? Strip Mall. Neighboring Venues? Liquor Store, Bong Shop, Dollar Store. To keep things on a positive note, the instructor we had over the past month was AMAZING. Truly, a diamond in the rough. She was like an elderly Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, but with no black people.

SPEAKING OF BLACK PEOPLE. February was black history month for some reason and I take this as a direct threat to racism everywhere! How is a poor, working, hillbilly in West Virginia supposed to make sure his kids are as racist as he is when they’ve got black people in your face for 28 straight days?! It is enough to make some want to load their shotguns– that  they bought with the freedom of the second amendment, with no background checks, and $200,  from the tailgate of a shifty yokel’s pickup– and take their country back!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Masterdebators, MDNA and Muslims

The first gaffe of the third presidential debate happened shortly after Mitt Romney seated himself at the table and $250, 000.00 accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the stage. While assisting the former Massachusetts Governor in picking up his fallen rubies and emeralds, President Barack Obama made the night’s second gaffe when he was spotted pocketing one of the nicer fist-sized diamonds.

Let’s face it, Obama must win this election lest the American people be saddled with a Mormon, millionaire President who will say whatever he has to win and will do whatever big business tells him to do. Please vote for Obama you obese, unemployed Americans! PLEASE!

————————————————————————————————————————–

In other news, Madonna continues her North American tour, her latest stop was in Dallas and tonight she’s in Houston, Texas. If you’ve ever wanted to see a cinqo-genarian get half-naked and rub her dried-up lady-parts the MDNA tour (NOT a reference to Mitochondrial DNA– Nerds!) may just be for you. Of course the diva will also thrill the crowd by grinding against 20-something drug addict look-a-likes and there will reportedly also be some singing. After 43 No. 1 songs and 12 studio albums you’ll want to see Madonna live now– while she still is under the impression that she’s relevant.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

And another thing: How can we get Muslim women to stop dressing themselves in those oppressive, odd, and repellent bee-keeper suits?! I know that they say that this is about freedom of choice and freedom to dress oneself how they choose, but the truth of the matter is that they have made a serious virtue in their culture out of wearing this costume that only serves to make women invisible (until they need to be raped or stoned to death for being raped of course) and strip them of any individual identity that is not solely made-up of who she has married. If Islam’s garb of choice was more dramatic or revealing or bedazzled, I might be able to get on board with it… but any idea of a universally adopted dress-code (even if it’s only for the women) makes the scene instantly appear to be either very futuristic, very stone-aged (as in this case), or science-fiction-y(also a strong possibility). When I walk into a food court with more than 3 or 4 tables near me full of girls who are all wearing those things I feel very much like I’m at the cantina from Star Wars. When it all comes down to it dressing all women in ugly cloaks showing only their eyes is too strange for a non-Halloween event. JUDGEMENT: No more bee-keepers or Muslim hijab/burqa combinations! Let my edict ring throughout our nation! Take it off!

Muhammad in Drag

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Romney Declares Economic War with China On Day One After Win!

80-minutes into a 90-minute debate Mitt Romney decided to finally (and awkwardly) show off his conservative, 50’s-nostalgia-style sensibilities, briefly, while answering a question about gun laws in reference to the Batman shootings he made clear his stance on two-parent households over single‑parent homes and reminded us all that children are far less likely to be impoverished with two parents—duh. The topic of the question was quickly abandoned by both parties twice and the issue wasn’t pushed hard by the moderator, who was weak and was talked over throughout the debate. It was disrespectful how neither candidate seemed interested in toning down their rhetoric or shortening their prepared talking-points  to actually answer the questions American citizens were asking them—I would’ve asked what Romney’s thinking trying to take that Ryan clown to the white house.

Shortly after his quick bounce-back from his single-parents-tirade-debacle, Mitt decided he should call out Asian super-power and owner of the United States of America, China, for its currency manipulation and ability to manufacture and sell trinkets and iPhones better than anyone else. This is not the best thing to do; the Chinese have significant weight in American trade markets and it may not sit well with voters that he is so willing to create international tensions with another super-power. Although, many Americans certainly don’t believe there are any super-powers apart from themselves, Chuck Norris, and of course, her holiness, Oprah Winfrey.

 

5 Questions I Would LOVE to Ask the Candidates:

  1. Mitt: Why does someone so incredibly entitled want so badly to end entitlement programs for those who are not so entitled? Was it awful, growing up in that castle with servants?
  2. Barry: When are you going to start living up to racist American expectations by speaking in Ebonics, implementing  single-payer socialized medicare and removing “under God” from the pledge of allegiance?
  3. Mitt: Exactly how much money is in your bank account, wallet, safe, and swimming pool full of coins?
  4. Barry: Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Jan Brewer- Which would you Fuck, Marry, and Kill? (And you know the rules, you have to pick one person for each action.)
  5. Mitt: Do you actually have to fuck Ann Romeny? Gross. Follow up: Do you ever fantasize about Mrs. Obama? In a land-owning Mormon and naughty servant-girl kind of context? I knew it.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bathrooms and Voting Booths

President Obama went on Letterman to get the vote of any ignorant hillbilly with a television, P!nk’s album dropped and nobody cared, Lindsay Lohan ran over ANOTHER pedestrian- and laughed,  and Apple starts taking orders for the new, gayer iPhone… It has been an incredibly busy week. Apart from all that excitement, Showtime’s Weeds has aired its final episode and CBS’s Big Brother (a reality show that showcases sluts and douche-bags– No, not Jersey Shore) aired the finale for their fourteenth season on Wednesday.

The upcoming US election will be (as always) the most important election in recent history. The American people could be saddled with a soft-handed, corporate slime-ball who has been filthy rich from birth and who believes in magical underwear. He also belongs to the ‘religion’ that teaches that American Indians’ skin is colored by a curse from an almighty God who currently is a flesh-and-blood deity living on a planet called Kolab– a planet where all men have many wives and women have an eternity of servitude and rapings, presumably. Of course this is only a worst-case scenario. Should President Obama win the election I’m sure that change we can all believe in will happen at the stroke of midnight after his inauguration; when Jay-Z beats will drown out the cries of anguished conservatives and the streets will flow with sizzurp and gin and juice and we can all get funky again.

To address the title “Bathrooms and Voting Booths”, I’m sure there’s a great joke there- I just can’t get to it. Something to do with taking a shit, I’m sure.

I get out a fair bit when I’m not writing this insightful and incredibly well-written blog and I sometimes work at a nightclub cleaning and doing general bus-boy type-stuff (I normally wouldn’t be into this kind of work but I know the owner and he has a hard time finding reliable people who won’t snort anything during their shift or fuck anyone who would let them do it in the supplies closet.). So I have some amusing accounts of my people-watching, listening and recordings. That being said, I present to you tonight my list of intelligent and witty remarks I’ve heard from the fairer sex while cleaning the (much cleaner and quieter) men’s room or gather supplies from the closet the bartender fucks cougars in.

SHiT I’VE HEARD FROM THE NIGHTCLUB LADIES’ ROOM:

  • “If I don’t take that hit of acid soon I’m gonna be practically sober.” (This quote to be read in a loud, slurring voice while holding the door of the ladies’ room open with one hand and clutching an unlit cigarette in the other.)
  • “Fifteen minutes?”  “Yeah, and then he was just done.”  “Did you say anything to him about it?”  “No, it’s weird because I still want him to think I was a virgin so I just acted like it was normal.”
  • (A rotund young woman exits) “If I ever get fat like that I want you to fucking kill me.”  “Me too, do you think she wants us to kill her? ‘Cuz she’s so fat- she must just want everyone to kill her.”
  • “I wanna see how I’d look in this top with a different bra- Can you hold my tits together, Ashley?”
  • “I’ve never had this much fun, I can’t remember the last time all of us were together!”  “It was when Stephanie took all those pills that time.” “I miss her.”
  • “Do you still have that bottle of water?”  “I drank it.”  “Oh, that’s okay” (She leaves) “That ugly bitch drank all my fucking water.”
  • “I wish I would look that good after three kids” “Bitch, what the fuck did you say about my kids?! You better not be talking shit about me havin’ babies, you fucking whore.”
  • “Gross.”  “What is it, Amber?”  “Aww, I got shit all on my sister’s purse and it won’t come out.”  “Just throw it away, it only has her stuff in it.” (Funny, yes, but it turned out to be actual human shit on the purse- and from what female staff could guess she’d used our sink ‘s faucet, the paper towel dispenser and the edge of  the bathroom counter to get it off- it was smeared everywhere.)

And my favorite…

  • “Fuck you, you fucking cunt, if you don’t hurry the fuck up Imma shit on your face.”

Keepin’ it classy for the ladies.

For those of you who are disappointed because you’d subscribed for the love of my racist and culturally insensitive humor and not my women-bashing and cursing- fear not- I’ll soon mock people of every color, eye-shape and hilarious accent.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Keeping Up with the Romneys

Secret documents obtained by RoyMinor reveal Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s, tax returns prior to 2010. Although there are many varied aspects of his return which will interest both the Obama campaign and the average voter, the most glaringly obvious problem with his return was the “Fuck the Poor” stamp he’d used at the bottom, right corner of each page of the return. His expenses listed are another concern. He cited costs of “Pet Grooming” for the year in 2008 as being $113, 000.00 and costs for his wife’s yearly vaginal rejuvenation were well into the millions. Other costs for the Romney’s, or any average American family as Mitt himself said, included an average yearly cost of $615,000.00 for sweaters and khakis, $228,950.00 for the all-important annual fresh coat of paint on the family jet, and the reasonable $28,500.00 in costs listed as “Hair Care”. Possibly his most luxurious annual charges were for a rare tooth-whitening service which uses the unformed teeth from aborted fetuses and the tears of orphans. Romney has not lost his common touch he said yesterday in an interview that he had recently “seen a city bus” and had once, as a boy, “shopped at a mall”.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Vagina, Interrupted

Counting Down The TOP 5 Best Euphemisms for Vagina:

5. Snatch – Mostly used when vaginal sighting is unexpected: “Whoa, I caught a look at her snatch!”

4. Pussy – All around most common and acceptable word for vagina, best suited while on the prowl: “Let’s go find some pussy!”

3. Quiff – Great for use at home, also works as an exclamation: [Stubs Toe] “Oh, Quiff!”

2. Beaver – Sounds friendly and furry, usually used in reference to old vaginas: “Dude, your mom’s got a nice beaver.”

1. Cunt – Most offensive and therefore best euphemism for the beloved orifice.

========================================================================================================

Mississippi’s last abortion clinic may be closing due to harsh new regulations placed on these healthcare providers by Republican cave-men. It’s really hard to make this funny, but here it goes… After succeeding in eliminating abortion in their state, Mississippi (a state whose teen pregnancy rate is currently 65% higher than the rest of the country) is not done yet. In an effort to ensure that their population is as stupid and poor as possible [although several surveys already rank it as the poorest, dumbest state] Mississippi government will soon begin mandatory pregnancy tests for all women over the age of twelve. Knowing right away when your teenage daughter has been raped and impregnated is the first step to convincing her that Jesus demands that she keep, deliver and raise her rape-baby. Now I know what you’re all thinking: “Who doesn’t want a rape-baby?” Of course every little girl dreams of the night she goes out to a kegger and has a roofie slipped in her drink by an overweight classmate who then rapes her, filling her with the unbridled joy that is a rape-baby. We can’t all live in Mississippi though and that’s why today’s post was brought to you by…. Clarence’s Rape-Baby Clearance Center!!!!! Come on down and pick up your very own unwanted rape-baby today! Our trained customer service representatives are there every step of the way to help you choose, modify and buy the rape-baby of your dreams! Currently offering “2-for-1” on all brown and off-white rape-babies! Female, Asian rape-babies now reduced to clear! Also check out our HUGE selection of Mormon-babies!

*Please note that all or most Mormon babies are rape-babies.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is Barack Obama A Ghost?

Donald Trump and SNL’s Victoria Jackson say they have reason to believe so. Other experts from Liberty University have concluded the American president may very well be the disembodied spirit of a Kenyan, socialist witch. “With so much riding on this election,” said Trump “Can we really trust a dead, unpatriotic man to handle this economy? Forget about it. He’s fired.”

Polls are showing 46% of Americans think that Barack Obama is probably a ghost while only 16% say they are absolutely sure he’s a ghost. Victoria Jackson commented on Fox News: “We have a lot of very smart, smart people lookin’ their hardest to find B. Hussein Obama’s death certificate. He wasn’t just born in Africa, he died there, too, and we’re gonna prove it.” Victoria Jackson was once a member of the cast of Saturday Night Live before Jesus visited her in a subway terminal and commanded her to rebel against evil, talented liberals and the deniers of Christ and creation science. Jackson has described her relationship with Jesus Christ on facebook as “complicated”. “We are a nation that has been duped into electing a ghost!” She exclaimed just before the “Fair and Balanced” program went to commercial break.

A second independent poll showed that even more citizens than before, a whopping 21% of Americans, are absolutely sure Obama is in someway undead (with 13% of that number citing “spook”). This same poll however showed that 94% of all those polled were also absolutely sure that republican candidate, Mitt Romney, should to be kicked in the nuts repeatedly and spat upon.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Free Jesus!

Recently a friend of mine “found Jesus“. No, he wasn’t under the cupboards. And no, he wasn’t on top of the fridge. Where was he? Where Jesus always be hanging out, of course: Prison. Who ever would have known that if you wanted to find the ghost of a dead, Jewish Carpenter-God all you need to do is get caught cooking meth or snacking on faces while high on bathsalts.

What exactly is Jesus’ crime? Why is he so frequently incarcerated? And since Jesus is ALWAYS found by millions of men (and some fucked up women, too) in jail, shouldn’t we be keeping a closer eye on these facilities? Allowing this hippy-looking, zombie-Jew to infiltrate our prison systems so ubiquitously is seriously undermining the US’s authority over young black men who have been caught smoking pot… Surely these young men are every bit as dangerous as Charlie Manson, the bathsalts cannibal, or Bernie Madoff (another suspicious Jewish gentlemen).

Prisons here in Canada are experiencing a decline in patronage also. The conservative government is prepared to deal with these low enrollment numbers though, and they’ve found a way to solve the issue of the protests in Montreal as well. Harper announced that he will personally oversee the transformation of McGill University into a state-of-the-art maximum security prison— The most technologically advanced structure in our nation– to contain what he calls “Frog Protesters” and “the gays”. Official Opposition and NDP leader, Thomas Mulcair, called this move “revolutionary for the needs of Canadians” and went on to call it “the first of many freedom-removing, oppressive and patriotic changes” to our Canadian culture. All this less than one week after this Stephen Harper was seen removing his artificial human face at a peace rally to frighten demonstrators in Ottawa. “His robot eyes are trustworthy”, One Conservative Party Pundit was heard to remark as Harper used his eyes to shoot lasers at a few stray puppies. “I can’t imagine having a weakling, flesh-and-blood human in the office of Prime Minister again. Conservative robotics are the wave of the future.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Meaning Of Life – PART III – ACADEMIC & SOCIAL FAILURES

This part of life spans from the age of about four-and-a-half to eight-teen or so. These years are mostly enjoyable for the first few years (ages four to twelve or so) before we become aware of ourselves socially and care about our performances academically. The latter few years are typically spent trying to commit or deter sex acts depending on your gender. So far this applies in the third world for the most part, too.

First World Problems:

  • Falling asleep in front of a TV with the sound up slightly too loud when the remote is out of reach.
  • Caring for your home and property– that you own and don’t have some King coming in and taking all your shit, ever.

The end of this age is usually marked with becoming eligible to vote. Here in Canada you must be eight-teen years old to vote for someone who you’ve never met and probably does not represent you or your community in any particular or beneficial way. Being over the age of 18 also allows Canadians to drink alcohol in most provinces, and enter adult establishments. Compare going to a Montreal strip club with seeing the woman who helps you vote and you begin to understand why our voter turn out is so depressingly low. Less than half of eligible voters voting in elections should be unacceptable to everyone. This really makes no sense to me. When I go to vote I never have to wait. Even for ore than a minute really. Every time. Enough people should be voting that it takes 15 or 20 minutes of your day! It’s messed up, I know, but this is one instance where I would gladly wait much longer if I thought everyone who could, would participate in our little front of a democracy we do have… If voter turnout were 90% or higher, I’m sure it would keep politicians on their toes at least.

HOWEVER- Voting really isn’t relevant until we get to our next post on The Meaning of Life – Part IV – Adult Pleasures

General Tips on Being Canadian:

(not to be used by Russian spies, Chinese spies are cool though, we figure you’re already in charge and we accept)

  • Canada Day- Canadian Flag tattoos are necessary to show patriotism- don’t be a traitor!
  • Drive slow at night for fear of moose or deer encounters with your vehicle.
  • Poutine, poutine, poutine.
  • Smoking is not healthy. Unless its menthols- that shits better for you than garlic or Tylenol.
  • Toques during winter months are expected attire.
  • Sobeys (Or Safeway you Westerners) is where all food is purchased. Until my cousin was about 13 she thought they grew it all there.
  • Although our election process is unbelievably boring we do get U.S. Network TV and American politics are far more enjoyable to watch -like their sit-coms- for shock value(Herman Cain) and stunt-casting (Sarah Palin).

Mitt Romney is a rich, white, Mormon, millionaire, who used to be a bully in school, and spent his early adult hood closing down and merging American companies effectively laying off thousands of American workers for corporate profit. He is competing for the title of president of the United States of America against the most charismatic man to be introduced to the american public since… um, ever. He’s globally famous, an intellectual who was raised by a single mother. A family man with NO SCANDALS- take that, Anthony Weiner- And he’s funny. He might be the first funny president. Certainly for my short time on this Earth, he is. If the insane religious right get behind Romney and he somehow takes over the White house with his magic underpants and bigotry I will lose all faith in the American population. After the bailouts and everything else are they really going to elect a super-Millionaire for president?

Tagged , , , , , ,

Sloth

I’ve been quite sick with a cold, and other than killing zombies on video games and watching stand up comedy online I’ve not really been doing much of anything. Kids are at their mothers’ houses, spouse is busy with meeting my every sickly demand… life is good. If only I were well enough to enjoy it.

Being sick is like being lazy-enabled. People tell you to rest more and to lay back and drink fluids. It’s like a vacation featuring nausea and mucus.

REQUIRED ITEMS FOR ANY ILLNESS:

  • Carmex
  • Kleenexes (with the lotion)
  • Vick’s inhaler
  • Zombie killing entertainment device or actual zombies and loaded shotgun (not for beginners)
  • Dependable Internet Connection
  • Endless supply of Facebook Memes to post every hour on the hour to coax likes and comments from friends and family to mimic real human interaction
  • Medicinal Marijuana or Orange Juice with NO PULP
  • Stand Up Comedy

NEWSFLASH: My mother who is in her mid-fifties (and is known to be the best mother anyone has ever had) called me last night to tell me that Obama had openly endorsed gay marriage in an interview (I don’t have cable so I usually have to poke around online before I find that shit out). She was right pleased. It’s so good to know that so many people in so many different situations are able to see that we’re all just people and not care about who someone wants to marry. Good on Obama, too, I guess, but his opinion really isn’t as important as my mom’s. 🙂

–It might seem that my newsflash isn’t really related, but Obama’s “evolution” on his thoughts on gay marriage is very fitting with laziness. He’s taken four years to get around to an opinion that I’m pretty certain a black man his age with his education already held. Obama’s policies need to back up his personal convictions should he see a second term, he should stop allowing states to decide human rights for minorities by majority vote. It’s insanity. Where would black slaves from Texas be if that’s how stuff worked? UGH!

Hypocrisy + Insanity – Logic = America.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,